Joke Of The Day

Sept. 17, 2020

Don't let go of your dreams - hit snooze!

Sept. 16, 2020

What did Einstein eat as a baby?


Sept. 15, 2020

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Sept. 14, 2020

Trail mix?? You mean M&M's with obstacles?

Sept. 13, 2020

I's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. 

The difference is staggering!

Sept. 12, 2020

What do cars do at the disco?

Brake dance!

Sept. 11, 2020

Once I debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth just to prove me wrong. He'll come around eventually!

Sept. 10, 2020

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?

Fill it with spring water!

Sept. 9, 2020

Instead of 'the John', I call my toilet 'the Jim'. That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning!

Sept. 8, 2020

What do you call having your grandmother on speed dial?


Sept. 7, 2020

Carpe Diem

Sept. 6, 2020

How come we never see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Sept. 5, 2020

What's it called when you borrow money to buy a bison?

A buffaloan!

Sept. 4, 2020

What does Jeff Bezos do before bed?

He puts his pajamazon!

Sept. 3, 2020

What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?

Laughing stock!

Sept. 2, 2020

What is the sole purpose of a middle name?

So a child can tell when they're really in trouble!

Sept. 1, 2020

I remember years ago when I wanted to be older. I was wrong.

Aug. 30, 2020

A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken looked at him and said ... "Don't do it pal ... you'll never hear the end of it!"

Aug. 29, 2020

Where do pirates like to eat?


Aug. 28, 2020

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion!

Aug. 27, 2020

Practice safe eating - always use condiments!

Aug. 26, 2020

Why is a computer so smart?

It listens to its motherboard!

Aug. 25, 2020

The other day I got carded at the liquor store. While I was taking out my ID, my old Blockbuster card fell out. Thd clerk shook his head, said "Never mind", and rang me up!

Aug. 24, 2020

Why did the kid cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!

Aug. 23, 2020

What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?


Aug. 22, 2020

How does a cucumber become a pickle?

It goes through a jarring experience!

Aug. 21, 2020

What do you call a pounding headache?

A temple tantrum!

Aug. 20, 2020

Go to the pet store, buy some birdseed then ask the clerk how long it will take for birds to grow!

Aug. 19, 2020

Good mothers let you lick the beaters.

Great mothers turn them off first!

Aug. 18, 2020

Who keeps the ocean clean?

The mermaid!

Aug. 17, 2020

I've started a business making boats in my attic ... Sails are going through the roof!

Aug. 16, 2020

What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?

A bagel.

Aug. 15, 2020

Dog Beers

Aug. 14, 2020

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding!

Aug. 13, 2020

What do you call a pirate that skips class?

Captain Hooky!

Aug. 12, 2020

What did one tornado say to the other?

Let's twist again like we did last summer!

Aug. 11, 2020

Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she's doing!

Aug.10, 2020

I'm planning a clairvoyants meeting. I assume you know when, where, and what time!

Aug. 9, 2020

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics!

Aug. 8, 2020

What did the cannibal eat when he was late for dinner?

The cold shoulder!

Aug. 7, 2020

Parenthood is the scariest hood to go through!

Aug. 6, 2020

If you give an alligator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?

Aug. 5, 2020

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do!

Aug. 4, 2020

What ride do ghosts like best at a theme park?

The roller ghoster!

Aug. 3, 2020

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one, I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always

locking three!

- Elayne Boosler

Aug. 2, 2020

If we shouldn't eat at night, why do they put a light in the refrigerator?

Aug. 1, 2020

What kind of car does Yoda drive?

A Toyoda!

July 31, 2020

What sort of money do you need to start your own landscaping business?

A hedge fund!

July 30, 2020

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

July 29, 2020

I wish my life had background music so I could understand what the heck is going on!

July 28, 2020

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

July 27, 2020

You know you're a mom when you understand why Mama Bear's porridge was too cold.

July 26, 2020

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused."

Then, I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail!

July 25, 2020

I really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flies.

I just didn't realize it would Zoom!

July 24, 2020

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can't believe I lost the Rock's Paper Scissors!

July 23, 2020

Dogs have beloved masters. Cats have wait staff.

July 22, 2020

A banker fell overboard from a friend's boat. Not knowing if he could swim, he grabbed a life preserver, held it up and shouted "Can you float alone?"

"Obviously", the banker said, "But this is a heck of a time to talk business!"

July 21, 2020

Following The Masses

July 20, 2020

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and there's a chance things could be really bad.

It'll be 5050!

July 19, 2020

Why do you put two cents in when it's only a penny for your thoughts?

July 18, 2020

How do you take a sick pig to the hospital?

A hambulance!

July 17, 2020

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread!

July 16, 2020

I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.

July 15, 2020

Last night I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach. At least that explains the footprints in the cat litter this morning.

July 14, 2020

What do you call someone who is really into stationary biking?

A cyclepath!

July 13, 2020

Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?

July 12, 2020

I put much more effort into naming my first WiFi than my first child!

July 11, 2020

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

It's called feefiphobia!

July 10, 2020

Respect your parents, they passed high school withut Google!

July 9, 2020

How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but you should have seen the bulb - it was THIS big!

July 8, 2020

What kind of car does a Viking drive?

A fjord!

July 7, 2020

You call them swear words, I call them sentence enhancers!

July 6, 2020

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint, lower my voice, and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

July 5, 2020

What kind of sandals do frogs wear?


July 4, 2020

Isn't it funny the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom ...

until they are flashing behind your car!

July 3, 2020

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!

July 2, 2020

I'm aware the voices in my head aren't real.

But, their ideas are just awesome sometimes!

July 1, 2020

What kind of socks do you need to plant flowers?

Garden hose.

June 30, 2020

Wouldn't it be nice if the car navigation voice would get more and more excited as you get closer to your destination?

June 29, 2020

If you think you are too small to make a difference - try sleeping with a mosquito!

June 28, 2020

How does a dog stop a video?

It hits the paws button!

June 27. 2020

What do you get when you put a candle in a suit of armor?

A knight light!

June 26, 2020

Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?

The scientists were brainstorming!

June 25, 2020

What do you get when you cross a pig with a dinosaur?

Jurassic Pork!

June 24, 2020

"I wasn't THAT drunk last night."

"Oh man, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to quit crying."

June 23, 2020

Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?

He couldn't find the Droid he was looking for!

June 22, 2020

What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer day?

I'm bacon!

June 21, 2020

Why can't cats work on the computer?

They get too distracted chasing the mouse!

June 20, 2020

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

- George Carlin

June 19, 2020

Are people born with photographic memories or does it take time to develop?

June 18, 2020

What do you say when you are comforting a grammar teacher?

There, Their, They're.

June 17, 2020

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

- Steve Martin

June 16, 2020

I am borrowing from the future, to pay for the past, but I'm staying present in the process.

- Gregg Eisenberg, Letting Go Is All We Have To Hold Onto

June 15, 2020

What kind of horses go out after dark?


June 14, 2020

When I'm bored, I text a random number saying "I hid the body, now what?"

June 13, 2020

A herd of cows were on a large hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew the smaller cows away. The rancher asked one of the bulls that was still standing "How come you bulls are still standing?"

The bull replies, "Cuz we bulls wobble but don't fall down."

June 12, 2020

What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?


June 11, 2020

Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 

"Is it common?" I asked. "It's not unusual." he replied.

June 10, 2020

Science Teacher: When is the boiling point reached?

Student: When my mom sees my report card!

June 9, 2020

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The retail store!

June 8, 2020

I hate when I'm waiting on mom to cook dinner, then remember I am the mom and have to cook dinner!

June 7, 2020

I had to give up being a taxi driver.

I didn't like people talking behind my back.

June 6, 2020

Just wait 2 years - it will be 2020 too.

June 5, 2020

Need cheering up? Start an argument with somebody when they have the hiccups!

June 4, 2020

Quarantine Skills

June 3, 2020

I had a dog once. Named Minton. He kept eating all my shuttlecocks.

He was a bad Minton.

June 2, 2020

Research has shown laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog.

So, now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers!

June 1, 2020

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my Trail Mix.

May 31, 2020

Sometimes my wife laughs at how competitive I am.

But I just laugh back. More. And louder.

May 30, 2020

What Today Is

May 29, 2020

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?

"Curses! Foil again!"

May 28, 2020

If you can't find your dog, open the refrigerator door, he's standing right behind you!

May 27, 2020

I hope the children will never find out why I say "Oops ..." so often when I vacuum their rooms!

May 26, 2020

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory!

May 25, 2020

I met a taxidermist at a party and asked what he does for a living. He said, "Oh, you know ... stuff!"

May 24, 2020

Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

- Bill Murray

May 23, 2020

What did the 0 say to the 8?

"Nice belt."

May 22, 2020

A cop pulled me over and said "Papers", I said "Scissors, I win" and drove off!

May 21, 2020

When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?

May 20. 2020

Before I die, I'm going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.

That should make the cremation a little more interesting.

May 19, 2020

5 Funniest Things Said During A Colonoscopy:

  1. 1. Find Amelia Earhart yet?
  2. 2. Any sign of the trapped miners?
  3. 3. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!
  4. 4. Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity!
  5. 5. Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there!

May 18, 2020

It sounds like thunder outside but the way 2020 is going it could be Godzilla!

May 17, 2020

I've started investing in stocks - beef, chicken, and vegetable.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire!

May 16, 2020

A man died after drinking varnish. It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.

May 15, 2020

Impress Me

May 14, 2020

Mother: "Are you talking back to me?"

Son: "Well yeah, that's kinda how communication works!"

May 13, 2020

Next time a stranger talks to me when I am alone, I will just look at him shocked and whisper quietly "You can see me?"

May 12, 2020

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

May 11, 2020

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

- George Carlin

May 10, 2020

The 1960's was an era of big thoughts. And yet, amazingly, each of these thoughts could fit on a t-shirt!

- P. J. O'Rourke

May 9, 2020

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?


May 8, 2020

I believe if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade ... and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party!

- Ron White

May 7, 2020

Older Than Google RS

May 6, 2020

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.

May 5, 2020

Did you know dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

May 4, 2020

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

May 3, 2020

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

  - George Carlin

May 2, 2020

Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed the opportunity to call them substitooths!

May 1, 2020

I had a hen who could count her own eggs.

She was a mathamachicken.

April 30, 2020

I quit my job at the helium gas factory.

I refused to be talked to in that tone of voice!

April 29, 2020

When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.

I almost died in Finding Nemo.

April 28, 2020

I don't have to ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts!

April 27, 2020

Stepped on the scale this morning and it said "Please use social distancing, one person at a time!"

April 26, 2020

Those most eager to be seen as well-adjusted can usually be counted on to do the most insane things!

- Gregg Eisenberg, Letting Go Is All We Have To Hold Onto

April 25, 2020

Joke of the Day

April 24, 2020

Wi-Fi went down during family dinner. One of the kids started talking and I didn't know who he was!

April 23, 2020

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

I think I've forgotten this before!

April 22, 2020

Bubble Wrap

April 21, 2020

So, if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a Milk Dud or an Udder Failure?

April 20, 2020

What do you call if when two rock guitars accidentally crash into each other?

A Fender bender.

April 19, 2020


Mom: What was that?

Me: My shirt fell.

Mom: It sounded a lot heavier than that!

Me: I was in it ...

April 18, 2020

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.

Then it becomes a soap opera!

April 17, 2020

Most common lies ever told:

"I didn't do it."

"I'm fine."

"I have read and agree to the Terms and Conditions."

April 16, 2020

What do you call it when someone steals your morning coffee?

A mugging.

April 15, 2020

Self Isolation Daily Guide

April 14, 2020

Who is the smartest pig in the world?


April 13, 2020

Where does the Terminator find toilet paper?

Aisle B ... back

April 12, 2020

Me: How's the diet going?

Friend: Not good. I had eggs for breakfast.

Me: Scrambled?

Friend: Cadbury's.

April 11, 2020

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There's no menu, you get what you deserve.

April 10, 2020

Questions For Today:

Can you cry under water?

If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why does a dog get mad when you blow in his face, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?

April 9, 2020

I do agree with Plato: To thine own self be true; but not necessarily about everything. And certainly not all at once.

- Gregg Eisenberg, Letting Go Is All We Have To Hold Onto

April 8, 2020

What did the judge say to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?

April 7, 2020

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

April 6, 2020

Just changed my Facebook name to "No one" so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say "No one likes this".

April 5, 2020

Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.

April 4, 2020


April 3, 2020

If you see an Apple store get robbed, does that make you an iWitness?

April 2, 2020

Day 19 of isolation and it's like Vegas in my house. We're losing money by the minute, cocktails are acceptable at any hour, and nobody knows what time it is!

April 1, 2020

What did the yogi say to his dog?

Nama, stay!

March 31, 2020

Why did the computer squeak? 

Someone stepped on its mouse!

March 30, 2020

Why did the yogi refuse anesthesia when having his wisdom tooth removed?

He wanted to transcend-dental-medication!

March 29, 2020

Why can't you trust trees?

Because they are shady!

March 28, 2020

What do you call birds that stick together?


March 27, 2020

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

March 26, 2020

How do you manage a pumpkin addiction?

Get a pumpkin patch,

March 25, 2020

My boss asked me to make a presentation and said I should start it with a joke. So I put my paystub on the first slide.

March 24, 2020

So much for hoarding ...

so much for hoarding rs

March 23, 2020

"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu."

March 22, 2020

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles ..

For days he kept leaving little messages around the house!

March 21, 2020

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

March 20, 2020

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?


March 19, 2020

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line.

March 18, 2020

Charmageddon rs