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Joke Of The Day

May 24, 2020

Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

- Bill Murray

May 23, 2020

What did the 0 say to the 8?

"Nice belt."

May 22, 2020

A cop pulled me over and said "Papers", I said "Scissors, I win" and drove off!

May 21, 2020

When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?

May 20. 2020

Before I die, I'm going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.

That should make the cremation a little more interesting.

May 19, 2020

5 Funniest Things Said During A Colonoscopy:

  1. 1. Find Amelia Earhart yet?
  2. 2. Any sign of the trapped miners?
  3. 3. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!
  4. 4. Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity!
  5. 5. Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there!

May 18, 2020

It sounds like thunder outside but the way 2020 is going it could be Godzilla!

May 17, 2020

I've started investing in stocks - beef, chicken, and vegetable.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire!

May 16, 2020

A man died after drinking varnish. It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.

May 15, 2020

Impress Me

May 14, 2020

Mother: "Are you talking back to me?"

Son: "Well yeah, that's kinda how communication works!"

May 13, 2020

Next time a stranger talks to me when I am alone, I will just look at him shocked and whisper quietly "You can see me?"

May 12, 2020

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

May 11, 2020

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

- George Carlin

May 10, 2020

The 1960's was an era of big thoughts. And yet, amazingly, each of these thoughts could fit on a t-shirt!

- P. J. O'Rourke

May 9, 2020

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear!

May 8, 2020

I believe if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade ... and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party!

- Ron White

May 7, 2020

Older Than Google RS

May 6, 2020

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.

May 5, 2020

Did you know dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

May 4, 2020

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

May 3, 2020

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

  - George Carlin

May 2, 2020

Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed the opportunity to call them substitooths!

May 1, 2020

I had a hen who could count her own eggs.

She was a mathamachicken.

April 30, 2020

I quit my job at the helium gas factory.

I refused to be talked to in that tone of voice!

April 29, 2020

When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.

I almost died in Finding Nemo.

April 28, 2020

I don't have to ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts!

April 27, 2020

Stepped on the scale this morning and it said "Please use social distancing, one person at a time!"

April 26, 2020

Those most eager to be seen as well-adjusted can usually be counted on to do the most insane things!

- Gregg Eisenberg, Letting Go Is All We Have To Hold Onto

April 25, 2020

Joke of the Day

April 24, 2020

Wi-Fi went down during family dinner. One of the kids started talking and I didn't know who he was!

April 23, 2020

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

I think I've forgotten this before!

April 22, 2020

Bubble Wrap

April 21, 2020

So, if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a Milk Dud or an Udder Failure?

April 20, 2020

What do you call if when two rock guitars accidentally crash into each other?

A Fender bender.

April 19, 2020

***BOOM***

Mom: What was that?

Me: My shirt fell.

Mom: It sounded a lot heavier than that!

Me: I was in it ...

April 18, 2020

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.

Then it becomes a soap opera!

April 17, 2020

Most common lies ever told:

"I didn't do it."

"I'm fine."

"I have read and agree to the Terms and Conditions."

April 16, 2020

What do you call it when someone steals your morning coffee?

A mugging.

April 15, 2020

Self Isolation Daily Guide

April 14, 2020

Who is the smartest pig in the world?

Ein-swine

April 13, 2020

Where does the Terminator find toilet paper?

Aisle B ... back

April 12, 2020

Me: How's the diet going?

Friend: Not good. I had eggs for breakfast.

Me: Scrambled?

Friend: Cadbury's.

April 11, 2020

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There's no menu, you get what you deserve.

April 10, 2020

Questions For Today:

Can you cry under water?

If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why does a dog get mad when you blow in his face, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?

April 9, 2020

I do agree with Plato: To thine own self be true; but not necessarily about everything. And certainly not all at once.

- Gregg Eisenberg, Letting Go Is All We Have To Hold Onto

April 8, 2020

What did the judge say to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?

April 7, 2020

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

April 6, 2020

Just changed my Facebook name to "No one" so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say "No one likes this".

April 5, 2020

Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.

April 4, 2020

Numbers

April 3, 2020

If you see an Apple store get robbed, does that make you an iWitness?

April 2, 2020

Day 19 of isolation and it's like Vegas in my house. We're losing money by the minute, cocktails are acceptable at any hour, and nobody knows what time it is!

April 1, 2020

What did the yogi say to his dog?

Nama, stay!

March 31, 2020

Why did the computer squeak? 

Someone stepped on its mouse!

March 30, 2020

Why did the yogi refuse anesthesia when having his wisdom tooth removed?

He wanted to transcend-dental-medication!

March 29, 2020

Why can't you trust trees?

Because they are shady!

March 28, 2020

What do you call birds that stick together?

Velcrows!

March 27, 2020

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

March 26, 2020

How do you manage a pumpkin addiction?

Get a pumpkin patch,

March 25, 2020

My boss asked me to make a presentation and said I should start it with a joke. So I put my paystub on the first slide.

March 24, 2020

So much for hoarding ...

so much for hoarding rs

March 23, 2020

"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu."

March 22, 2020

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles ..

For days he kept leaving little messages around the house!

March 21, 2020

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

March 20, 2020

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats

March 19, 2020

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line.

March 18, 2020

Charmageddon rs

 

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