Joke Of The Day

Feb. 21, 2024

Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, "How many wives can a man have?"

His friend answered, "Sixteen ... four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer."

Feb. 20, 2024

Words that don't exist ... but should:

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theatre.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweet it under the rug.

Feb. 19, 2024

When my teenage son worked part time in a hardware store, a man came in to buy hooks for hanging plants. But there were only two hooks left in the gold color he needed.

My son, trying to be helpful, suggested, "Could you maybe use the silver or white instead?"

The customer scrutinized him and said, "You're not married, are you?"

Feb. 18, 2024

Dear Monday,

I want to breakup. I am seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sorry. It's not me - it's you.

Feb. 17, 2024

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Feb. 16, 2024

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Feb. 15, 2024

How much deeper would the oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

Feb. 14, 2024

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Feb. 13, 2024

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.

If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Feb. 12, 2024

20s vs 30s

Feb. 11, 2024

Why did the dinosaur refuse to wear deodorant?

He didn't want to be ex-stink.

Feb. 10, 2024

Passenger to Ticket Agent: I want my brown suitcase sent to Los Angeles, my green suitcase sent to Kansas City, and my tan suitcase sent to New Orleans.

Ticket Agent: I'm sorry, sir, this flight is to Nashville. We can't do that.

Passenger: Why not? You did it last time.

Feb. 9, 2024

What do computers wear in winter?

Snow boots.

Feb. 8, 2024

When a new child visited our Sunday School, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.

"Oh, you're four," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?"

The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."

Feb. 7, 2024

What is a pessimist?

The real world dictionary defines a 'pessimist' as an optimist with no experience.

Feb. 6, 2024

"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like, I really don't like, think like, that's really important, y'know, like because I'm, y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."
"It's Mrs. Dull's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

Feb. 5, 2024

When you call a dog, they usually come to you.

When you call a cat, they take a message.

Feb. 4, 2024

Turn Signals

Feb. 3, 2024

Why shouldn't you fight with a rain cloud?

It'll storm out on you.

Feb. 2, 2024

Frustrated, a teen bursts into his sister's bedroom, "Why are adults always asking us what we want to be when we grow up?"

Without hesitation the sister replies, "It's because they're looking for ideas."

Feb. 1, 2024

When you live in an igloo, what's the worst thing about global warming?

No privacy.

Jan. 31, 2024

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. Approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town name.Continuing to argue, they finally stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are .. very slowly?"

The employee leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

Jan. 30, 2024

What do you call a snowman's dog?

A slush puppy.

Jan. 29, 2024

What did the dancer feel after a week of non-stop rehearsals?

The agony of de-feet.

Jan. 28, 2024

Little Johnny went with his mom for the first time to deliver lunches to the elderly.

Little Johnny kept staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

He said, softly, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

Jan. 27, 2024

Twenty In The Tank

Jan. 26, 2024

You know you're getting old ... when your son's hair is turning gray.

Jan. 25, 2024

What do you call a pile of coins in the rain?

Climate change.

Jan. 24, 2024

If a band is playing music and a thunderstorm hits, who is most likely to get hit by lightning?

The conductor!

Jan. 23, 2024

You only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use duct tape.

Jan. 22, 2024

Why is the slippery ice like music?

If you don't C Sharp - you'll B Flat!

Jan. 21, 2024

I'd offered to drive my mother-in-law to the doctor's. But when I arrived at her house, I found her gossiping away with a neighbor.

"Mom, we've got to go," I interjected, but she couldn't hear me over the chatter. "Mom!" I repeated as I pulled her away.

"Sorry, but I didn't know what to do," she said, getting into the car. "That woman wouldn't stop listening to me."

Jan. 20, 2024

What do you call a ghost in winter?

Casp-brrrrr.

Jan. 19, 2024

My husband was building shelves in our bedroom and intending to continue his work the next day, left some tools on my dresser including a hammer, screwdriver, and chisel.

The following morning while I was in front of the dresser combing my hair, my teenage daughter walked in.

"Hi, Mom," she said, taking a look at the dresser. "Fixing your face?"

Jan. 18, 2024

I'd applied for several scholarships for the upcoming year and thrilled to learn I had won one from my school, the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. Sometimes such awards are named after places. The letter the university sent me said I had won the Las Vegas Strip Scholarship, named after the street with all the major hotels.

When I told my mother about the award she paused, then asked, "Just what exactly did you do to win that scholarship?"

Jan. 17, 2024

At the bank where I am a teller, a couple with three large dogs in their minivan pulled up to my drive-in window. When the man handed me his deposit slip, the dogs began to climb over him. Pushing them aside, he looked at me sheepishly. "They think we're at McDonald's," he said.

Jan. 16, 2024

Boy's definition of a waffle: "A pancake with a nonskid tread."

Jan. 15, 2024

While giving a physical the doctor noticed his patient's shins were covered with dark bruises.

"Tell me," the doctor said, "do you play hockey or soccer?"

"Neither," said the man, "My wife and I play bridge."

Jan. 14, 2024

Winter Sport

Jan. 13, 2024

What do you call a dinosaur that asks a lot of deep questions?

A philosiraptor.

Jan. 12. 2024

Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose.

Jan. 11, 2024

My husband calls me the bomb. I'm not sure if it's because he thinks I'm super attractive or because I might go off at any minute!

Jan. 10, 2024

What do you call a Minecraft celebration?

A block party.

Jan. 9, 2024

A bad joke has gone so viral ... they've decided it's a pun-demic.

Jan. 8, 2024

Doctor with a patient in my medical exam room, "How old are your kids?"

Patient, "44 and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13."

Doctor, "That's quite an age difference!"

Patient: "Well, the older ones didn't give me any grandkids, so I made my own."

Jan. 7, 2024

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

It's called Sosumi.

Jan. 6, 2024

My wife said the baby was kicking.

I crouched down next to her tummy and told the baby if he kicks his mother again, he'll be sent to his womb.

My wife didn't laugh and I'm certain she regrets marrying me.

Jan. 5, 2024

Each Day

Jan. 4, 2024

My cousin, Jimmy, was having a terrible time falling asleep unless he was laying on a pile of magazines.

It turns out he had back issues.

Jan. 3, 2024

January - The one time of the year when 'going to the bar' means going to lift weights.

Jan. 2, 2024

What do you call a person who can't keep their January diet resolutions?

A dessert-er.

Jan. 1, 2024

Did you hear about the crazy treadmill sales at Costco and Sam's Club in January?

They will give you a run for your money!

Dec. 31, 2023

Did you hear about the guy who started making breakfast at 11:50 on December 31?

He wanted to make a New Year's toast.

Dec. 30. 2023

Where do herbs celebrate New Year's?

Thyme's Square.

Dec. 29, 2023

Why is partying in Times Square overrated?

The organizers drop the ball every year!

Dec. 28, 2023

What's a New Year's resolution?

Something that goes in one year and out the other.

Dec. 27, 2023

Why should you always pace yourself on New Year's?

You might make some pour decisions!

Dec. 26, 2023

What do you send to a sick friend in winter?

A get well soon card-igan.

Dec. 25, 2023

Why wouldn't Ebenezer Scrooge eat at the pasta restaurant?

It cost a pretty penne.

Dec. 24, 2023

What's worse than a reindeer with a runny nose?

A snowman with a fever!

Dec. 23, 2023

What's the weatherman's favorite food in winter?

Brrr-itos!

Dec. 22, 2023

What Christmas carols do dogs like to sing?

Deck The Howls.

Dec. 21, 2023

Where does a snowman get the weather report?

On the winternet.

Dec. 20, 2023

What does a barbershop serve in the winter?

Cold cuts.

Dec. 19, 2023

Where do elves go to vote?

The north poll.

Dec. 18, 2023

What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a detective?

Santa Clues.

Dec. 17, 2023

Holiday Anxiety

Dec. 16, 2023

What is the best cereal to eat in the winter?

Frosted Flakes.

Dec. 15, 2023

What laundry detergent do people in the North Pole use?

Yule Tide.

Dec. 14, 2023

Why is Santa so good at karate?

Because he has a black belt.

Dec. 13, 2023

Why aren't animals afraid of Christmas trees?

They're all bark and no bite.

Dec. 12, 2023

Who delivers Christmas presents to dogs?

Santa Paws.

Dec. 11, 2023

Where do reindeer like to stop for ice cream?

Deery Queen.

Dec. 10, 2023

Which month is best for sleepovers?

Deslumber.

Dec. 9, 2023

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?

Missiletoe.

Dec. 8, 2023

What do you give an artistic dog for Christmas?

A Fetch-A-Sketch.

Dec. 7, 2023

What do elves use to make last minute repairs?

Ig-glue.

Dec. 6, 2023

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?

Ribbon Hood.

Dec. 5, 2023

What do you call a space magician?

A flying saucerer.

Dec. 4, 2023

A man and wife were both in an Internet business, but the husband truly lived, ate, and breathed computers.

His wife finally realized how bad it had gotten when one day she was scratching his back and he said, "No, not there. Scroll down a little."

Dec. 3, 2023

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst!

Dec. 2, 2023

What do you use to decorate a canoe for Christmas?

Oar-naments.

Dec. 1, 2023

 Did you hear the milk got in a fight with the espresso?

He got pretty steamed!

Nov. 30, 2023

Winter: The season when we try to keep the house as hot as it was in the summer, when we complained about the heat.

Nov. 29, 2023

One Day

Nov. 28, 2023

How do you know it's too cold for a picnic?

You chip your tooth on the soup.

Nov. 27, 2023

Since there is only one of me, does that make me endangered or a limited edition?

Nov. 26, 2023

How does a snow globe feel?

A little shaken.

Nov. 25, 2023

What do you call a slow skier?

A slope-poke.

Nov. 24, 2023

What do you call a turkey the day after Thanksgiving?

Lucky!

Nov. 23, 2023

You know you overdid it at Thanksgiving when you thought the serving size for turkey was one.

Nov. 22, 2023

Did you hear about the turkey prom?

It was a Butterball.

Nov. 21, 2023

Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 2 seconds ...

But instead, I'm going to run it over 100 times with my vacuum at different angles.

Nov. 20, 2023

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?

A turkey that can pluck itself.

Nov. 19, 2023

When I was a little boy, I was afraid of the dark.

Now as an adult, I see the electric bill and I'm afraid of the light.

Nov. 18, 2023

Why was everyone grouchy after drinking the apple cider?

It was made of crab apples.

Nov. 17, 2023

Family Feud

Nov. 16, 2023

What did the turkey say when he met the president?

Pardon me.

Nov. 15, 2023

Did you hear there is a new coffee shop in town?

This news is hot off the French Press!

Nov. 14, 2023

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?

Drumsticks for everyone!

Nov. 13, 2023

Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town?

He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn.

Nov. 12, 2023

Why is it so easy to trick a leaf in November?

They fall for anything.

Nov. 11, 2023

How do you get Pikachu on a bus?

You Poke-him-on.

Nov. 10, 2023

Who should you invite to your Friendsgiving?

Your close group of pal-grims.

Nov. 9, 2023

Concerned his son was spending too much time playing video games, the dad told him, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

"Oh yeah?" the son retorts. "Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States."

Nov. 8, 2023

When is turkey soup bad for you?

When you're the turkey.

Nov. 7, 2023

Why did the farmer enter the cider contest?

He loved all the apple-ause.

Nov. 6, 2023

What song does a chef play throughout November to give them culinary inspiration?

All About That Baste.

Nov. 5, 2023

Why is Black Friday considered a happy November Day?

Because the next day is a sadder day.

Nov. 4, 2023

What did the daughter say when her mom wanted her help fixing Thanksgiving dinner?

"Why? Is it broken?"

Nov. 3, 2023

My wife asked, "Honey, do you think our children are spoiled?"

I chuckled and replied ... "No, I think most kids smell that way."

Nov. 2, 2023

I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.

It was bread in captivity.

Nov. 1, 2023

Did you know before the invention of the crowbar, crows just drank at home?

Oct. 31, 2023

Imagine there's a boogie man living under your bed and he's coming to eat you. What do you do?

Quit imagining.

Oct. 30, 2023

What did one skeleton say to the other?

"I've got a bone to pick with you."

Oct. 29, 2023

I used a pumpkin to summon ghosts.

It was an Ouija gourd.

Oct. 28, 2023

How does a Halloween pumpkin listen to music?

On vine-yl.

Oct. 27, 2023

What kind of rocks do ghosts collect?

Tombstones.

Oct. 26, 2023

Why was the jack-o-lantern so forgetful?

Because he's empty headed.

Oct. 25, 2023

Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?

In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

Oct. 24, 2023

Why did the angry witch leave her broom at home?

She kept flying off the handle.

Oct. 23, 2023

What's a ghost's favorite nursey rhyme?

Little Boo Peep.

Oct. 22, 2023

How does a vampire take his coffee?

Decoffinated!

Oct. 21, 2023

Did you hear about the two vampires that got into an argument?

They had bad blood.

Oct. 20, 2023

What band do autumn vandals listen to?

The Smashing Pumpkins.

Oct. 19, 2023

My favorite part of autumn is walking through a hundred spider webs a day and screaming every single time!

Oct. 18, 2023

What's it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?

A grave problem.

Oct. 17, 2023

Why are vampires so easy to fool?

Because they are suckers.

Oct. 16, 2023

Which emperor do skeletons love the most?

Napoleon Bone-aparte.

Oct. 15, 2023

What ghost haunted King George III?

The Spirit of '76.

Oct. 14, 2023

What did autumn say to summer?

"Make like a tree and leave!"

Oct. 13, 2023

What do pirates wear in autumn?

Pumpkin patches.

Oct. 12, 2023

What do trees say when autumn comes?

Don't leaf me this way.

Oct. 11, 2023

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

Oct. 10, 2023

Homing Pigeon

Oct. 9, 2023

Dear Life, When I said, "Can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge!

Oct. 8, 2023

What do skeletons get when they answer an extra credit questions?

Bone-us points.

Oct. 7, 2023

A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it's over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. "What's going on?" he asks a cemetary worker.

"It's Beethoven," says the worker. "He's decomposing."

Oct. 6, 2023

Old math teachers never die.

They just lose some of their functions.

Oct. 5, 2023

"A-A-R-P ... I wanna join the A-A-R-P ..."

"Hey Joe, what's that you're singing?"

"I'm one of the Retirement Village People and I'm practicing for our upcoming concert."

Oct. 4, 2023

My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, "You're shirtless and covered in ... oil?" I chuckled proudly, "Well, you're always saying I never glisten!"

She screamed, "LISTEN!! You never LISTEN!"

Oct. 3, 2023

I have an irrational fear of giants.

It's fee-fi-phobia.

Oct. 2, 2023

Super Mario walks into a bar and orders a drink. Takes one sip and starts coughing hysterically.

Mario says, "Wrong pipe."

Oct. 1, 2023

What do short-sighted ghouls wear?

Spooktacles.

Sept. 30, 2023

What do Jedi trees say to each other in the fall?

"May the forest be with you."

Sept. 29, 2023

How does a barista greet the day?

He says 'Rise N Grind!"

Sept. 28, 2023

What are the only plants chickens can take care of?

Eggplants.

Sept. 27, 2023

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins."

"That's odd," answers the man, "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"

She then says to the next guy, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!"

"That's weird," answers the second man. "I work for the 3M Company."

The nurse turns to the third guy, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!"

"How strange," he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong?" the others ask.

"I work at 7/11!"

Sept. 26, 2023

Did you hear about the guy who tried to grow an apple tree without a seed?

His efforts were fruitless.

Sept. 25, 2023

What do you call the ghost of a chicken?

A poultry-geist.

Sept. 24, 2023

Apparently it's rude to poke someone in the forehead and say "Skip Intro" when they start talking to you.

Sept. 23, 2023

An ER doc walks into a patient's room to find a woman in bed simultaneously crying and laughing hysterically.

Her husband explains she fell getting out of the shower and immediately began laughing and crying.

The doctor examined her and turns to her husband saying, "It's just as I suspected. She has a humerus fracture."

Sept. 22, 2023

My neighbor banged on my door at 3am, screaming and shouting hysterically.

Luckily, I was up practicing my drums at the time ...

Sept. 21, 2023

While making dinner tonight for the family, my girlfriend wanted to add more of that dark, leafy green called Kale.

Girlfriend: Can I add more kale?

Me: Won't that be over-kale?

Sept. 20, 2023

I was drinking with my buddy and told him, "My wife and I had a fight last night. She went historical on me."

Buddy: Did you mean 'hysterical'?

Me: No. She went historical. She brought up all my past mistakes.

Sept. 19, 2023

This happened tonight. Dinner at a Japanese restaurant. My appetizer was a tuna taco topped with wakame.

Singing "Wakame up before you go go" apparently wasn't as hysterical to everyone else.

Sept. 18, 2023

How are you supposed to talk in the Apple Library?

With your in-cider voice.

Sept. 17, 2023

What do cake and baseball have in common?

They both need a batter.

Sept. 16, 2023

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Funnel.

Funnel who?

The funnel start once you let me in!

Sept. 15, 2023

Dress Like A Cowboy

Sept. 14, 2023

What is Starbuck's favorite city?

Fort Latte-dale.

Sept. 13, 2023

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I'm as jittery as a cat."

"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie.

"I can't," says the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."

Sept. 12, 2023

Where did the article on the famous owl research appear?

In the "Who's Who."

Sept. 11, 2023

Why didn't the dental hygienist like her award?

It was a plaque.

Sept. 10, 2023

What do you get when you have two doctors at once?

Pair-a-medics.

Sept. 9, 2023

Why shouldn't you let a bear operate the remote?

He will keep pressing the paws button.

Sept. 8, 2023

Why do we ...

... say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

... sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

... press harder on the buttons of a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?

... put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

... drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Sept. 7, 2023

What's the worst thing about a bread pun?

It tends to get stale.

Sept. 6, 2023

Down By The Sea

Sept. 5, 2023

Engineers have made a car that can run on mint. Hopefully, they can make buses and trains run on thyme.

Sept. 4, 2023

Which dessert is perfect for eating in bed?

A sheet cake.

Sept. 3, 2023

What did the student say when the teacher asked why his paper only had a small line drawn on it?

"I drew a blank."

Sept. 2, 2023

How do you cut the ocean in half?

With a see-saw.

Sept. 1, 2023

Why did the deer get braces?

He had buck teeth.

Aug. 31, 2023

This morning I saw a person dragging a clam on a leash behind him.

It must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel.

Aug. 30, 2023

The fact that Head & Shoulders doesn't have a body wash called "Knees & Toes" disappoints me.

Aug. 29, 2023

I'll call it a smartphone the day I yell, "Where's my phone?" and it yells, "Down here in the couch cushions!"

Aug. 28,  2023

One minute you are young and fun. And the next, you're turning down the radio to see better.

Aug. 27, 2023

Wife: "There is a problem with the tractor. It has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

Wife: "I'm telling you the tractor has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "You don't even know where the carburetor is. Where is the tractor?"

Wife: "In the pool."

Aug. 26, 2023

Two sailors see an enormous hand come out of the sea. It moves all the way over to one side and then the other. One sailor says to the other, "Wow, did you see the size of that wave?"

Aug. 25, 2023

Ikea

Aug. 24, 2023

What's the most groundbreaking invention of all time?

A shovel.

Aug. 23, 2023

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

Aug. 22, 2023

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Doris.

Doris who?

Doris locked, that's why I had to knock.

Aug. 21, 2023

What do you call a wreath full of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins.

Aug. 20, 2023

Left brain: Write that down before you forget.

Right brain: Write what down?

Aug. 19, 2023

What do postal workers do when they're mad?

They stamp their feet.

Aug. 18, 2023

What did the geometry teacher say to the circle and square on the first day of school?

"Let's get this class in shape!"

Aug. 17, 2023

A guy drives into a ditch. Luckily a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move.

"Pull, Buster, Pull!" Buddy doesn't budge.

"Pull, Coco, Pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, Pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.

Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy's blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

Aug. 16, 2023

You ever notice it sounds so friendly when you say "Have a nice day" to someone. But, if you say "Enjoy your next 24 hours", it sounds a bit scary.

Aug. 15, 2023

A teenage girl looked at the nutrition label on a bag of chips and said, "Oh no, these are loaded with saturated fat. The label amount just says OMG!" Her boyfriend grabs the bag, reads it, and says, "That's zero milligrams, not Oh My God!"

Aug. 14, 2023

Can you imagine the self control needed to work in a bubble wrap factory?

Aug. 13, 2023

The Test

Aug. 12. 2023

What's the difference between a songbird and a hummingbird?

The songbird knows the lyrics.

Aug. 11, 2023

Babysitters are teenagers who behave like grown-ups so grown-ups can go out and behave like teenagers.

Aug. 10, 2023

"Your wife and daughter look like twins," my friend said. "Well," I replied, "they were separated at birth."

Aug. 9, 2023

After giving birth to triplets, the hen passed out.

She must have been egg-hausted!

Aug. 8, 2023

My Russian mechanic souped up my car. Now it drives like a Borscht!

Aug. 7, 2023

See all those people lining up to see the Barbie movie?

It's a Barbie-queue.

Aug. 6, 2023

A priest and a pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End Is Near! Turn yourself around before it's too late!"

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the driver as he sped by.

From around the curve, they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think ..." said one clergyman to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says "Bridge Out" instead?"

Aug. 5, 2023

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.

Aug. 4, 2023

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road!

Aug. 3, 2023

What do librarians take with them when they go fishing?

A bookworm.

Aug. 2, 2023

A pirate went to a dermatologist to look at some suspicious moles on his back.

The doctor assured him they're benign.

"Arrrgh," said the pirate, "check again because when I counted them there be ten!"

Aug. 1, 2023

What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped in to the other?

Sorry! My Fault!

July 31, 2023

What flies around the school at night?

An alpha-bat.

July 30, 2023

Jack and the Beans

July 29, 2023

Who was the roundest knight in King Arthur's court?

Sir Cumference.

July 28, 2023

What candy do you eat on the playground?

Recess Pieces.

July 27, 2023

Why do music teachers do well in a baseball game?

Because they have a perfect pitch.

July 26, 2023

An old woman is sitting at a bar when an older gentleman sits down beside her. "So," he says, "do I come here often?"

July 25, 2023

I was going to tell you a joke about boxing, but I forgot the punch line.

July 24, 2023

One benefit of old age is your secrets are always safe with your friends because they can't remember them!

July 23, 2023

A teacher gave her class a lesson on the magnet and what it does.

The next day in a written test, she included this question:

"My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?"

When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find almost 50% of the students answered the question with the word "Mother."

July 22, 2023

Why did the baker's card get declined?

He didn't have enough dough.

July 21, 2023

I like an escalator because it can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign, only an "Escalator Temporarily Stairs" sign.

- Mitch Hedborg

July 20, 2023

Best Proofreading

July 19, 2023

You know it's time to retire when your co-workers are wearing clothing from your youth and calling it retro.

July 18, 2023

Why are chefs so mean?

They beat eggs and whip cream.

July 17, 2023

I'm a social vegan. I avoid meet.

July 16, 2023

Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?

It got cold feet.

July 15, 2023

Why don't we ever tell secrets on the farm?

Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.

July 14, 2023

Why did the smartphone need glasses?

It lost all of its contacts.

July 13, 2023

Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale?

You can buy it with no strings attached.

July 12, 2023

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables. Turns out I was on the mothership.

July 11, 2023

My boss told me as a security guard it's my job to watch the office.

I'm on Season 6 but I'm not really sure what it's got to do with security.

July 10, 2023

What did the hungry dalmation say when he ate his dinner?

Wow, that hit the spot!

July 9, 2023

It happened last night. My wife told me I had a dad bod. In response, I puffed my chest and proudly told her, "It's not a dad bod, it's a father figure!"

July 8, 2023

Why did the golfer cry?

He was going through a rough patch.

July 7, 2023

Did you hear the one about the ice cube's great escape out of the freezer?

You could say it was a well thawed out plan.

July 6, 2023

What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad?

A pineapple.

July 5, 2023

Corny

July 4, 2023

What was the most popular dance in 1776?

The Indepen-dance.

July 3, 2023

This morning, Siri said, "Don't call me Shirley." I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.

July 2, 2023

The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice, a cranberry juice, and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass ... is gonna get a punch.

July 1, 2023

What do you mean June is over? Julying.

June 30, 2023

What do you get when you cross a stereo and a refrigerator?

Very cool music.

June 29, 2023

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

June 28, 2023

Alexander Graham Bell: "I invented the telephone!"

His brother, Taco: "I'm working on some pretty big stuff too."

June 27, 2023

My wife and I just had a daughter. We named her JuneJulyAugust.

We call her Summer for short.

June 26, 2023

swearing

June 25, 2023

Why don't mummies go to summer camp?

They're afraid to relax and unwind.

June 24, 2023

Teacher: "Johnny, please use the words "letter carrier" in a sentence.

Johnny: "Yes, ma'am. My dad said after seeing how many things my mom was bringing on vacation, he would rather letter carrier own luggage."

June 22, 2023

What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?

Glass flippers!

June 21, 2023

Why should you never blame a dolphin for doing anything wrong?

Because they never do it on porpoise!

June 20, 2023

When do computers overheat?

When they need to vent.

June 19, 2023

I think my wife's putting glue on my antique guns collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

June 18, 2023

Snaufling

June 17, 2023

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

June 16, 2023

"What's your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."

June 15, 2023

"Siri," I asked my phone, "why am I so bad with women?" She responded, "I'm Bixby, you moron."

June 14, 2023

An elderly friend told about a nephew of his who became an orthopedic bone surgeon 50 years ago and moved to Colorado.

"Oh, where in Colorado did he move?"

"I don't know but I'm sure it was at the base of a mountain with a ski slope on it."

June 13, 2023

I decided I wasn't going to let getting older slow me down. But my body had other plans.

June 12, 2023

What do cast iron pans and seniors have in common?

They're both well-seasoned.

June 11, 2023

Why should you take a pencil to bed?

To draw the curtains.

June 10, 2023

Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?

Reports say it was due to too many strokes.

June 9, 2023

If an ant needs to dig a really big hole in the ground ...

Do you suppose it could rent a Caterpillar?

June 8, 2023

70% of the earth is water and virtually none of it is carbonated. So, the earth is, in fact, flat.

June 7, 2023

How to get rid of telemarketers:

- Ask them to fax the information to you - and make up a number.
- Insist the caller is your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
- Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
- If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed bankruptcy and sure could use some money.

June 6, 2023

What do diets and promises have in common?

They're always being broken.

June 5, 2023

What gives you the power to walk through a wall?

A door.

June 4, 2023

How do poets say hello?

"Hey, haven't we metaphor?"

June 3, 2023

What was a more useful invention than the first telephone?

The second telephone.

June 2, 2023

Why is noon like the letter "A"?

Because both are in the middle of "DAY".

June 1, 2023

Why did the suspenders go to jail?

Because they held up a pair of pants.

May 31, 2023

Customer: "Waiter, please bring me an omelet."

Waiter: "French or Spanish, sir?"

Customer: "Who cares? I'm going to eat it, not talk to it!"

May 30, 2023

What did the Llama say when he got kicked out of the zoo?

Alpaca my bags.

May 29, 2023

Who can hit High C twelve times in a row without taking a breath?

A soprano with the hiccups!

May 28, 2023

It's actually awesome how my body can take a hamburger and fries and turn it into more of my body.

May 27, 2023

Is the dog fetching the stick for you just because he thinks you love throwing it?

May 26, 2023

Is a paper cut the tree's way of getting back at you?

May 25, 2023

Where is the best place to sell a used chess set?

A pawn shop.

May 24, 2023

Where do bees like to go on vacation?

Stingapore.

May 23, 2023

A human resources person was quizzing a new employee on the company's safety manual. "And what steps do you take in case of fire?" she asked. The new employee replied, "Quick ones."

May 22, 2023

I found a recipe from Morocco for homemade dinner rolls. It called for fresh thyme but mine was outdated. I used it anyway.

After dinner I thought, I really like that old thyme Moroccan Roll.

May 21, 2023

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher.

The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."

He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write, 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."

May 20, 2023

Did you hear about the guy who made a fortune investing in apples?

Turns out he was in cider trading.

May 19, 2023

A job application asked me to list three references. I wrote in Wikipedia, Google, and the Oxford Dictionary. I didn't get the job.

May 18, 2023

If Only Life Could Be Like A Computer:

  • To get your daily exercise, just click on 'run'
  • Hit 'any key' to continue life when ready
  • To 'add/remove' someone in your life, click settings and control panel
  • To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings
  • If you messed up your life, you could press 'Alt, Ctrl, Delete' and start all over

May 17, 2023

A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.

So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way they could make it appear they had been married a long time.

He replied, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

May 16, 2023

One day in early fall a class of second-graders was discussing "What I want to be when I grow up." The teacher received the usual replies - a fireman, a nurse. Then she asked a youngster deep in thought what he would like to be someday. He looked up with a frown and replied, "I don't even know what I want to be for Halloween yet!"

May 15, 2023

How did Reese eat her ice cream?

Witherspoon.

May 14, 2023

If at first you don't succeed, try doing it the way your mom told you to do it from the start.

May 13, 2023

What do you call a traveler that doesn't lose its temper?

A nomad.

May 12, 2023

What's the technical name for a pot of coffee at work?

Break fluid.

May 11, 2023

If number two pencils are so popular, why are they still number two?

May 10, 2023

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him Buddha is not Greek.

May 9, 2023

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands on, even from the church. One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took Him!"

May 8, 2023

"Nothing looks good on me anymore," wailed a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store's mirror.

"Nonsense, ma'am," said the salesclerk. "That dress says it all."

"That's the problem," the woman replied. "I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut."

May 7, 2023

Almost Time

May 6, 2023

On a Miami to Chicago flight was a lively youngster who nearly drove everyone crazy. He was running up and down the aisle when the flight attendant started serving coffee. He ran smack into her, knocking a cup of coffee out of her hand and onto the floor.

As he stood by watching her clean up the mess, she glanced up at the boy and said, "Look, why don't you go and play outside."

May 5, 2023

What is the best flower for a boy to give on Mother's Day?

A son-flower.

May 4, 2023

A Stanford University professor took his young son with him on a trip across the country. One day after their return, a package was delivered with postage due. Neither the professor nor his wife had the necessary $3, but their son produced it. Surprised, his mother asked how he came to have that much money.

"Well," he said, "Dad was awfully careless with money on our trip and nearly always left some on the table when we ate. So I just picked it up."

May 3, 2023

I hang on to my old, beat-up appliances as long as they keep working. I thought my wife shared, or at least accepted, my philosophy. But the other morning, I saw a note posted in front of my 15-year-old coffeemaker: "Jurassic Perk."

May 2, 2023

I applied for several scholarships for the upcoming year and was thrilled to learn I had won one from my school, the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. Sometimes such awards are named after places. The letter the university sent said I had won the Las Vegas Strip Scholarship, named after the street with all the major hotels.

When I told my mother about the award she paused, then asked, "Just what exactly did you do to win that scholarship?"

May 1, 2023

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, "That's the fourth time you've gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn't it embarrass you?"

"Why should it?" answered her spouse. "I keep telling them it's for you."

April 30, 2023

I'm lucky my wife and mother are very close. I realized just how close the time I drove my mother to her doctor, which my wife usually does. When the doctor came into the room, my own dear mother introduced me as her "daughter-in-law's husband."

April 29, 2023

What do kids play when mom is on the phone?

Bored games.

April 28, 2023

A commercial boasted its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years. "Am I in my golden years?" my wife, 63, asked. "Not at all," I assured her. "But you are yellowing fast."

April 27, 2023

"Remember that guy who was so happy on St. Patrick's Day that he was literally bouncing off the walls? Who was that?"

"Rick O'Shea."

April 26, 2023

Why are police officers the strongest people in the world?

Because they can hold up traffic with a single hand.

April 25, 2023

8 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles?

April 24, 2023

What do you call a dentist in the army?

A drill sergeant.

April 23, 2023

Hip Replacement

April 22, 2023

Why did the pig have ink all over his face?

He had just come out of the pen.

April 21, 2023

My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, "Don't shoot!" The hunter responded, "Don't quack!"

April 20, 2023

Boy #1: "For her birthday, my sister wanted something with diamonds in it."

Boy #2: "So, what did you get her?"

Boy #1: "A deck of cards."

April 19, 2023

What do you call a knight who gives up too soon?

Sir Render.

April 18, 2023

I gave my date a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.

April 17, 2023

I'm a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, "Why did you choose this breed?" My client responded, "I often ask myself this very same question."

April 16, 2023

After waiting two hours for her date, Sarah concluded she'd been stood up. So she changed into pajamas, made some popcorn, and flopped down in front of the TV. Then the doorbell rang - it was her date. He took one look at Sarah and gasped, "You're still not ready?"

April 15, 2023

How does a banker start every bedtime story?

"Once upon a dime ..."

April 14, 2023

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA, only we see stars too!"

April 13, 2023

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three - the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

April 12, 2023

What does a mathematician say when something goes wrong?

Figures.

April 11, 2023

Warning Labels

April 10, 2023

I have branches, but no fruit, trunk, or leaves. What am I?

A bank.

April 9, 2023

Which rock group has 4 guys who can't sing or play an instrument?

Mt. Rushmore.

April 8, 2023

What has a bottom at the top?

Your legs.

April 7, 2023

People say 'icy' is the easiest word to spell.

Come to think of it, I see why.

April 6, 2023

How do computers get drunk?

They take screenshots.

April 5, 2023

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake Jimmy, either come in or stay out!'"

April 4, 2023

A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known ...

Then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

April 3, 2023

I've been feeling a bit moody and run down recently, so I Googled my symptoms to see what I have.

Kids ... I have kids!

April 2, 2023

The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. "Well," said her husband to the shaken Pastor when all the commotion ended, "She's there."

April 1, 2023

What beverage does a tree drink the most?

Root beer.

March 31, 2023

Why is the letter A like a flower?

The B comes after it.

March 30, 2023

How does a bee brush its hair?

With a honeycomb.

March 29, 2023

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?

That's common sense leaving your body.

March 28, 2023

A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her a cup of coffee. She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And, when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green army men in her cup.

Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

March 27, 2023

What's round and bad tempered?

A vicious circle.

March 26, 2023

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled, then replied, "I remember."

March 25, 2023

Staying Home

March 24, 2023

What do you call a well-dressed king of the jungle?

A dandy lion.

March 23, 2023

Why did the worm cross the ruler?

To become an inch worm.

March 22, 2023

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

March 21, 2023

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

March 20, 2023

What season is best to go on a trampoline?

Spring-time.

March 19, 2023

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others, the rest of us have to be the others.

March 18, 2023

What is fast, loud, and crunchy?

A rocket chip.

March 17, 2023

My annual performance review says I lack "passion and intensity." I guess management hasn't seen me alone with a Big Mac.

March 16, 2023

If everyday is a gift, I'd like a receipt for Monday. I'd like to exchange it for another Friday.

March 15, 2023

What do you call a cop in bed?

Undercover.

March 14, 2023

What do you call a duck that gets all A's?

A wise quacker.

March 13, 2023

How do you know when a bike is thinking?

You can see their wheels turning.

March 12, 2023

What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon!

March 11, 2023

Discipline

March 10, 2023

Why did Dracula go to jail?

Because he robbed a blood bank.

March 9, 2023

Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?

Because he was stuffed.

March 8, 2023

Where do most horses live?

In neighhh-borhoods.

March 7, 2023

Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?

He had a lot of little hares.

March 6, 2023

What do you call an ant who fights crime?

A vigilANTe!

March 5, 2023

Why did the puppy do so well at school?

Because she was the teacher's pet.

March 4, 2023

I'm really good at sleeping.

I can do it with my eyes closed.

March 3, 2023

Why are snails slow?

Because they are carrying a house on their back.

March 2, 2023

Why did the gardener plant a seed in the pond?

To grow a water-melon.

March 1, 2023

Why did the soccer player take so long to eat dinner?

Because he thought he couldn't use his hands.

Feb. 28, 2023

How do you get a squirrel to like you?

Act like a complete nut!

Feb. 27, 2023

What was a more useful invention than the first telephone?

The second telephone.

Feb. 26, 2023

What do kids play when their mom is using the phone?

Bored games.

Feb. 25, 2023

Why is Yoda such a good gardener?

He has a green thumb.

Feb. 24, 2023

Where does dad keep all his jokes?

In the dadabase.

Feb. 23, 2023

Girl: Why is your nose so swollen?
Boy: I was smelling a brose.
Girl: Silly! There's no 'b' in rose.
Boy: There was in this one!

 

Feb. 22, 2023

 

Clapping

Feb. 21, 2023

Which superhero likes spring the best?

Robin.

Feb. 20, 2023

Why did the farmer bury his money?

To make his soil rich.

Feb. 16, 2023

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.

He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree, reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

Feb. 15, 2023

Every time I take my dog to the park the ducks try to bite him. That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

Feb. 14, 2023

Why didn't the tea introduce itself at the party?

It was a little chai.

Feb. 13, 2023

One Minute

Feb. 12, 2023

I got an A on my first university English paper. While the professor was impressed with my work, she said she had deducted a few marks for a spelling error.

After several readings, I couldn't find my mistake. Preparing to challenge the professor, I stood up and stopped flipping through my assignment.

There on the front cover was a red circle around my misspelled name.

Feb.11, 2023

Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.

Feb. 10, 2023

Anybody who believes in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Feb. 9, 2023

How do you know you're desperate for an answer?

You look at the second page of Google search results.

Feb. 8, 2023

Me: I cleaned all the dishes.

Mom: Aren't you going to put them up too?

Me: You have to upgrade from the trial version to the full version.

Feb. 7, 2023

What do you call a tiger that drinks lemonade?

A sour puss.

Feb. 6, 2023

A friend who had just turned 50 and couldn't quite deal with the fact was wearing a t-shirt that said, "I'm not 50, I'm 49.95."

My 9-year old saw the t-shirt and asked, "Yes, but how much with tax?"

Feb. 5, 2023

What do you call friends you listen to music with?

Earbuds.

Feb. 4, 2023

Joke of the Day

Feb. 3, 2023

Last night I was walking home and took a shortcut through the cemetary.

Three girls walked up to me saying they were too scared to walk in the cemetary at night. I agreed to let them walk with me.

I told them, "I understand, I used to be freaked out too when I was alive."

I've never seen anyone run that fast!

Feb. 2, 2023

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the road. Looking at the car, he was astounded to see the elderly lady behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled at the driver, "Pull over!"

"No!" the woman yelled back, "Cardigan!"

Feb. 1, 2023

You're riding a horse at full speed. You're being chased by a lion, and there's a giraffe in the way in front of you. How will you escape this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the carousel.

Jan. 31, 2023

A distraught senior citizen called her doctor's office. "Is it true the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor said.

After a moment of silence she replied, "I'm wondering just how serious my condition is because this prescription is marked "No Refills!"

Jan. 30, 2023

What do you call twin police officers?

Copies.

Jan. 29, 2023

Snake #1: Are we poisonous?

Snake #2: I don't know, why?

Snake #1: I just bit my lip.

Jan. 28, 2023

I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach. Now I'm the proud owner of Aisle 7.

Jan. 27, 2023

My wife does this cute thing now and then where she goes out shopping for next year's yard sale items.

Jan. 26, 2023

I went to a dog show the other day. A Yorkie took Best of Show, a Jack Russell took second, and a Scotty took third.

I'm starting to think the judges had some sort of all-terrier motive.

Jan. 25, 2023

Inside me there is a thin person struggling to get out ... good news is I can usually sedate him with three or four cupcakes!

Jan. 24, 2023

Emergency call: "Come quick, my friend was bitten by a wolf."

Operator: "Where?"

Caller: "No, a regular one."

Jan. 23, 2023

Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest ...

Forgive me for I have synonymed.

Jan. 22, 2023

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughy get together to make a movie.

Clooney says, "I'll direct."

DiCaprio says, "I'll act."

McConaughy says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

Jan. 21, 2023

Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?

She kept running away from the ball.

Jan. 20, 2023

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

Jan. 19, 2023

I gave my son six pieces of cardboard for Christmas.

He asked, "What's this?"

I replied, "It's an ex box."

Jan. 18, 2023

My friend called me and said, "Meet me at the Vinyl Shop in 45."

I made it there in 33, which was Record Time!

Jan. 17, 2023

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Philosophy is wondering if a Bloody Mary counts as a smoothie.

Jan. 16, 2023

Why can't you breed an eel with an eagle?

It's Eeleagle.

Jan. 15, 2023

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlor to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlor wasn't there.

Jan. 14, 2023

What do you call a pig in a trailer?

Pulled pork.

Jan. 13, 2023

Why didn't the dog want to play football?

Because he was a Boxer.

Jan. 12, 2023

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.

Jan. 11, 2023

What type of music should you listen to while fishing?

Something catchy!

Jan. 10, 2023

 phone family

Jan. 9, 2023

Aging gracefully is the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.

Jan. 8, 2023

Who has a higher rank than a lieutenant?

A lieulandlord.

Jan. 7, 2023

Where do you bring horses that are sick?

The Horsepital.

Jan. 6, 2023

What's a good winter tip? Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until you know birds have flown south for the winter.

Jan. 5, 2023

I used to think it would be cool to read other people's minds.

Then I joined Facebook and got over that!

Jan. 4, 2023

What's a New Year's resolution?

A to-do list ... for the first week of January.

Jan. 3, 2023

What's the first month of the year in Transylvania?

Janu-eerie.

Jan. 2, 2023

What do you eat when you're cold, hungry, and angry?

A brr grr.

Jan. 1, 2023

What's the luckiest band to listen to on New Year's Day?

Black-Eyed Peas.

Dec. 31, 2022

Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Year's Eve.

Dignity is not one of them.

Dec. 30, 2022

How did Princess Elsa fall off her sled?

She let it go, let it go!

Dec. 29, 2022

At the beginning of this year, I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds ... only 15 more to go!

Dec. 28, 2022

Where does a snowman get the weather report?

The Winternet.

Dec. 27, 2022

Heated Seats

Dec. 26, 2022

What sort of cakes do snowmen like?

Ones with thick icing.

Dec. 25, 2022

Where do the reindeers go for Christmas dinner?

To their aunt-ler's house.

Dec. 24, 2022

What should you do if your car stalls on Christmas Eve?

You get a mistletow.

Dec. 23, 2022

What do you drain your Christmas Brussels Sprouts with?

An advent colander.

Dec. 22, 2022

What kind of fish do they have at the North Pole?

Jollyfish.

Dec. 21, 2022

What do you call a reindeer ghost?

Cari-boo.

Dec. 20, 2022

What type of Christmas dessert shouldn't you trust?

Mince spies.

Dec. 19, 2022

How does Santa take pictures?

With a Pole-aroid camera of course!

Dec. 18, 2022

Someone told me it's impossible to make a pun about vegetables.

I said that's not nececelery true.

Dec. 17, 2022

Why do automotive safety engineers hate their job?

Because they work with dummies.

Dec. 16, 2022

I used to date an air stewardess from Helsinki.

I dropped her off at work one day and she just vanished into Finnair.

Dec. 15, 2022

What girl Elf on the Shelf hid the advent calendar?

Miss Chievous.

Dec. 14, 2022

What is the Grinch's least favorite band?

The Who.

Dec. 13, 2022

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

Tinsilitis.

Dec. 12, 2022

What do you give an artistic dog for Christmas?

Fetch-A-Sketch.

Dec. 11, 2022

What happens to elves when they've been naughty?

Santa gives them the sack.

Dec. 10, 2022

What do you call an old snowman?

Water.

Dec. 9, 2022

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?

Ribbon Hood.

Dec. 8, 2022

I've been doing crunches twice a day now. Captain in the morning, Nestle in the afternoon.

Dec. 7, 2022

December is the worst time of the year for someone who is Claus-trophobic.

Dec. 6, 2022

Today I saved $236.17 by not going to Target for toothpaste!

Dec. 5, 2022

What did the evil chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.

Dec. 4, 2022

How do you know the heating bill for December is too high?

Dad won't even let you open the windows on your advent calendar.

Dec. 3, 2022

Where do Santa and the elves go for a swim?

The North Pool.

Dec. 2, 2022

Holiday Anxiety

Dec. 1, 2022

Why shouldn't you share secrets in a cornfield?

Because corn has ears!

Nov. 30, 2022

What do you get when you cross an angry cat with a famous painter?

Clawed Monet.

Nov. 29, 2022

What do you use to decorate a canoe for Christmas?

Oar-naments!

Nov. 28, 2022

Which winter sport do trees participate in?

Al-pine skiing.

Nov. 27, 2022

What is it called when a cat wins 1st place at a dog show?

A cat-has-trophy!

Nov. 26, 2022

Motorhome

Nov. 25, 2022

What do pumpkins and gourds love to play?

Squash.

Nov. 24, 2022

What do you call a turkey on the day after Thanksgiving?

Lucky!

Nov. 23, 2022

If we feel scared on Halloween and jolly on Christmas, what do we feel on Thanksgiving?

Stuffed.

Nov. 22, 2022

What sound does a turkey's phone make?

Wing, Wing.

Nov. 21, 2022

What happened when the turkey got in a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

Nov. 20, 2022

What's the most musical part of a turkey?

The drumstick.

Nov. 19, 2022

What is a turkey's favorite dessert?

Peach gobbler!

Nov. 18, 2022

Why did the turkey get grounded?

He was using fowl language.

Nov. 17, 2022

What's the best song to sing when preparing your turkey?

"All About That Baste"

Nov. 16, 2022

If pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?

Scholar ships.

Nov. 15, 2022

What did the horse say after it tripped?

Help! I've fallen and I can't giddyup!

Nov. 14, 2022

What do you call an angry carrot?

A steamed vegetable.

Nov. 8, 2022

What's the worst thing about being lonely?

Playing frisbee.

Oct. 30, 2022

What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Sham-boo.

Oct. 21, 2022

What do ghosts wear when their eyesight gets blurry?

Spooktacles.

Oct. 20,. 2022

What do ghosts use to do their makeup?

Vanashing cream.

Oct. 19, 2022

They just don't make songs like they used to! Some artists of the '60s and '70's are revising their hits with new lyrics for aging baby boomers who remember doing the Limbo as if it were yesterday. They include:

Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr - I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

Paul Simon - 50 Ways To Lose Your Liver

Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair

Oct. 18, 2022

My youngest son asked me how old I was.

I answered, "39 and holding."

He thought for a moment then asked, "But how old would you be if you let go?"

Oct. 17, 2022

Why can't you tell dogs a knock-knock joke?

Because they immediately start barking!

Oct. 16, 2022

What's round and bad tempered?

A vicious circle.

Oct. 15, 2022

A witch was flying her broom along when she noticed that all the other witches were flying on vacuum cleaners. She thought, "Am I the only one still driving a stick?"

Oct. 14, 2022

What's a vampire's favorite fruit?

A neck-tarine.

Oct. 13, 2022

Did you hear about the angler who baited his hook with peanut butter?

All he could catch was jellyfish!

Oct. 12, 2022

Do you really need those extra few hours on Saturday? But, the kids are being noisy?

Just tell them, "OK kiddos, wake me up in half an hour so we can finally get cracking on cleaning the house from top to bottom."

Oct. 11, 2022

My professor asked everyone in the class what book helped us the most in life thus far.

I chose my father's checkbook.

Oct. 10, 2022

My cactus died. Now it's official. The desert takes better care of plants than I do.

Oct. 9, 2022

Sunday School Teacher: Tell me. Do you say prayers before eating?

Kid: No, ma'am, I don't have to. My mom's a good cook.

Oct. 8, 2022

My horse will only come out of its stable when it gets dark. It's becoming a night mare.

Oct. 7, 2022

Searching for a new laptop online is basically forcing your current computer to dig its own grave.

Oct. 6, 2022

What do you call it when a 4'9" woman dates a 6'5" man?

A long-distance relationship.

Oct. 5, 2022

I almost had a psychic girlfriend. But she left me before we met.

Oct. 4, 2022

When the box with my Halloween costume arrived, it was empty. I called the company and asked where my Maid Marian costume was. "We're sorry, ma'am. We'll send your costume tomorrow," the representative said. "In the meantime, feel free to keep the Lady Godiva costume you got by mistake."

Oct. 3, 2022

What has 13 hearts but no other organs?

A deck of cards.

Oct. 2, 2022

What gets shorter as it grows older?

A candle.

Oct. 1, 2022

What type of cheese is made backwards?

Edam.

Sept. 30, 2022

What goes all around the world but stays in a corner?

A stamp.

Sept. 29, 2022

I love when my kids tell me they're bored. As if the lady standing in front of a sink full of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time.

Sept. 28, 2022

How do you fix a broken pumpkin?

With a pumpkin patch!

Sept. 27, 2022

A man walks into a bar and it's empty - just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink. He hears someone whisper, "Psssst .. I like your tie." The man looks around but doesn't see anyone. "Psssst ... that color looks nice on you."

He asks the bartender, "Excuse me, are you speaking to me?"

The bartender rolls his eyes and says, "No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts ... they're complimentary."

Sept. 26, 2022

What did the full glass say to the empty glass?

You look drunk.

Sept. 25, 2022

I'm at that age where the next day my body whispers, "Please don't do that again!"

Sept. 24, 2022

I have a disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes. My doctor says it's terminal.

Sept. 23, 2022

I asked a friend in Seattle what the difference was between a state like Washington and one like Florida. He shrugged. "Apples and oranges."

Sept. 22, 2022

What's the difference between an all-you-can-eat restaurant and dinner at grandma's house?

At the restaurant, you get to decide when you've had enough.

Sept. 21, 2022

Why was the robot couple's anniversary in the fall?

They were autumn mated.

Sept. 20, 2022

Most falcons live to be 12-15 years old. That means falcons born in the 21st century are ... Millennial Falcons!

Sept. 19, 2022

What do you call someone who doesn't like carbs?

Lack-Toast Intolerant.

Sept. 18, 2022

Last year I was in a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners; it was embarrassing. The guy in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?" I replied, "You really want to know?" Then I dropped out of the race.

Sept. 17, 2022

I'm not saying you're old. I'm just saying if you were milk, I'd sniff you first.

Sept. 16, 2022

Two ships collided. One was carrying a load of red paint, the other a load of blue paint. All the passengers were marooned.

Sept. 15, 2022

What do you call a space magician?

A flying saucerer.

Sept. 14, 2022

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

Sept. 13, 2022

Not to brag, but I finished the puzzle in under a week and it said 2-4 years on the box!

Sept. 12, 2022

I taught my pet wolf how to meditate. Now he's aware wolf.

Sept. 11, 2022

How do you get an astronaut's baby to sleep?

You rocket.

Sept. 10, 2022

Can't believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Seriously, how low can you go?

Sept. 9, 2022

I bought a universal remote today. I was disappointed to find out it doesn't, in fact, control the universe. Not even remotely.

Sept. 8, 2022

My mother walked into my room earlier and was boasting about her new moisturizer ... "Look, I have the skin of an 18 year old".

"Well, give it back", I said, "You're wrinkling it."

Sept. 7, 2022

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along!

Sept. 6, 2022

What's James Bond's favorite hot drink?

Pumpkin spy-ced latte.

Sept. 5, 2022

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree when it shouted, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack grinned, "And, you will dialogue."

Sept. 4, 2022

If you think your microwave and tv spying on you is bad ... your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years!

Sept. 3, 2022

Prayer for today: Dear Lord, So far today I've done alright. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or over-indulgent. But, in a few minutes, I'm going to get out of bed and from then on I'll be needing your help!

Sept. 2, 2022

How did the beauty school student do on her manicure test?

She nailed it.

Sept. 1, 2022

Police Dogs

Aug. 31, 2022

I bought a plunger the other day. You ever bought a plunger? It's an embarrassing purchase. At first, you think it's no big deal. Stand in the line, swinging it. Then you realize everybody knows: you got a situation at home. Nobody buys a plunger on a whim!

Aug. 30, 2022

What type of vehicle should you use for a fall hayride?

An autumn-mobile!

Aug. 29, 2022

How hot is it?

It's so hot, my thermometer goes up to "I'm not kidding."

Aug. 28, 2022

Who helps the pumpkins cross the road?

The crossing gourd.

Aug. 27, 2022

Knock Knock!

Who's There?

Madam.

Madam Who?

Madam foot got caught in the door!

Aug. 26, 2022

What do you call a man who really likes autumn?

A fall guy!

Aug. 25, 2022

Do Not Walk On Rocks

Aug. 24, 2022

What month does every tree dread?

Sept-timberrrrrr!

Aug. 23, 2022

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married," and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Aug. 22, 2022

I broke up with my console recently.

It's now my ex-box. It wasn't anything personal I just wanted a switch.

Aug. 21, 2022

How does a scientist freshen her breath?

With experi-mints.

Aug. 20, 2022

I've finally finished my fresh herb cookbook.

It's about thyme.

Aug. 19, 2022

In order to get to the valves, a mechanic carefully removed the engine parts from a car while the car owner, a surgeon, looked on.

Afterwards, the mechanic said "You know, I reckon my line of work is every bit as difficult and skilled as yours."

"Perhaps," said the surgeon, "But, I'd like to see you do it while the engine is running."

Aug. 18, 2022

What is Cookie Monster's favorite band?

OREO Speedwagon.

Aug. 17, 2022

What do you call a metric cookie?

A gram cracker.

Aug. 16, 2022

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father.

"Dad, what music did you like growing up?"

"I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin," the father replies.

"Who?" the son asks.

"Yeah," the dad responds, "I liked them too."

Aug. 15, 2022

A Wise Doctor

Aug. 14, 2022

Mom sleep: The state of rest where your eyes are closed but you can still hear everything your kids are doing.

Aug. 13, 2022

Why did the blacksmith go to jail?

For forgery.

Aug. 12, 2022

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Aug. 11, 2022

Why do koi only travel in groups of four?

It's to protect against predators. When they're attacked, Koi A, B, and C travel in one direction.

The other is the D koi.

Aug. 10, 2022

Last week at the grocery store, I saw a man slipping celery into other people's shopping carts.

I believe he was a stalker.

Aug. 9, 2022

I have a phobia of German sausage. I fear the wurst.

Aug. 8, 2022

I heard HBO is making a drama about relatives conspiring against each other to take control of the family pastry company.

It's going to be called Game of Scones.

Aug. 7, 2022

If you crossed a Patriot with a curly-haired dog, what would you get?

A Yankee Poodle.

Aug. 6, 2022

Valet

Aug. 5, 2022

I steal candy bars using slight of hand ... you could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

Aug. 4, 2022

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asks his mom, "Where'd we get him?" Mother replies, "He came from heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "Wow, I can see why they threw him out!"

Aug. 3, 2022

What do you call an avocado which has been blessed by Pope Francis?

Holy Gucamole!

Aug. 2, 2022

Don't laugh at your girlfriend's choices, you're one of them!

Aug. 1, 2022

What do you call an angry shopper using bad language?

A cussomer.

July 31, 2022

Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me!

I only received super fish oil injuries, but still ...

July 30, 2022

There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

July 29, 2022

I'm a new person. I've changed my name and became a vegetarian. I'm still getting used to it, I wasn't an herb before.

July 28, 2022

Al Pacino is to star in a new movie about a man who wins the World Knitting Championships ... it's called Scarf Ace.

July 27, 2022

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap!

July 26, 2022

What's the name of the Greek God of Humor?

Hilarios.

July 25, 2022

I recently read a book called 100 Things To Do Before You Die. I was really surprised that yelling for help wasn't one of them.

July 24, 2022

I recently had a procedure done on my elbow to correct a compressed ulnar nerve requiring a 3-inch incision and some sutures. I guess you could say I had surgery on my funny bone that left me in stitches!

July 23, 2022

I have developed cat-like reflexes. By which I mean an irresistible urge to curl up and nap on any freshly made bed.

July 22, 2022

Did you hear about the porcupine who was near-sighted?

He fell in love with a pincushion.

July 21, 2022

My kids can never make fun of me for teaching me how to use my phone. I taught them to use a spoon.

July 20, 2022

What kind of vegetables did Ghandi prefer?

Peace and carrots!

July 19, 2022

Had to stop at the gas station to fill my tires ... they raised the price to $1.50. I just can't believe the cost of inflation these days!

July 18, 2022

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas!

July 17, 2022

The boss said I should go home because I really don't look good. I don't know if I should be happy to get the extra rest or just offended.

July 16, 2022

Gas prices are ridiculous. I went online to check the value of my car and was asked if the tank was empty or full.

July 15, 2022

Chinese Takeout: $11.77

Price of Gas to Get There: $1.90

Making it home to find they forgot one of the containers: Riceless

July 14, 2022

Some days you question your parenting. Other days you have to question your child's childing.

July 13, 2022

It's so hot, I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron!

July 12, 2022

What did the pop star do when he locked himself out?

He sang until he found the right key!

July 11, 2022

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did ... I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through!

July 10, 2022

How are people during a heat wave like clothes?

They're sweaters!

July 9, 2022

When my boss asked me why I showed up late for our Zoom meeting, I told him he wouldn't believe the network traffic!

July 8, 2022

What do you call 100 little sheep rolling down a hill?

A lambslide.

July 7, 2022

Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug - out of the blue. I was very pleasantly surprised, that is until I heard him tell his dad, "You're right. She did gain weight."

July 6, 2022

Toothpaste

July 5, 2022

Why was the origami master terrible at poker?

He was always folding.

July 4. 2022

What did a patriot put on his dry skin?

Revo-lotion!

July 3, 2022

What did Polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire-cracker!

July 2, 2022

What was the most popular dance in 1776?

Indepen-dance!

July 1, 2022

My friend talked me into lending her money for plastic surgery. I've been trying to get it back for months. Unfortunately I have no idea what she looks like these days.

June 30, 2022

Do you know how to make light with water?

Wash your windows!

June 29, 2022

My boss got really angry with me this morning. He kept shouting and cursing for at least an hour. After a while my habits kicked in and at one point I said, "You're right, honey."

June 28, 2022

Two sharks are swimming in the ocean when they spot a windsurfer. "Oooh, look, a snack!" says the first one. The second one nods appreciatively, "And, even on a nice little plate with a napkin!"

June 27, 2022

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back - way too expensive and really bad quality!

June 26, 2022

My buddy just got a job in marketing with Kellogg's cereals. I guess you could say his job is Raisin Bran awareness!

June 25, 2022

I read somewhere that it takes a village to raise a child ... where is this village and is there a number you can call?

June 24, 2022

Speeding Tickets

June 23, 2022

I wouldn't buy anything with Velcro. It's a total rip-off.

June 22, 2022

How hot is it?

It's so hot, I saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog!

June 21, 2022

My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus. This accusation has made me dumbfounded, awestricken, flabbergasted, stupefied, and quite frankly, bewildered.

June 20, 2022

Why did the Genie get mad?

Because he was rubbed the wrong way!

June 19, 2022

What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?

Sofishticated.

June 18, 2022

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod.

June 17, 2022

Companies today are bragging about making plants taste like meat ... but cows have been doing that for ages!

June 16, 2022

I bought my dog a brand new flatscreen for his birthday - I even had it engraved! TO SHIBA

June 15, 2022

I went to the acupuncturist the other day. When I got home my voodoo doll was dead.

June 14, 2022

Did you hear about the town that legalised pot but banned alcohol?

The residents were left high and dry!

June 13, 2022

My brand new baby Grandson's cord fell off today. Mom says he's officially wireless!

June 12, 2022

I accidentally sat on my phone ... Siri suggested several local gyms!

June 11, 2022

My friend ran into a tree with his brand new car ... he found out his Mercedes bends!

June 10, 2022

Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South America. Odd, you'd think he was from Mad-at-gas-car.

June 9, 2022

What is Bigfoot's favorite exercise?

Sasquats!

June 8, 2022

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljnm,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

June 7, 2022

Tablets were replaced by scrolls.

Scrolls were replaced by books.

Now we scroll through books on tablets.

June 6, 2022

I don't usually brag about going to expensive places ... but, I just left the gas station!

June 5, 2022

A minister was pulled over for speeding. As the policeman was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, "Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy." The policeman handed the minister the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no more."

June 4, 2022

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out!"

June 3, 2022

Why is it called a building when it's already built?

June 2, 2022

I think the proper term for 'senior' women should be Queen-agers!

June 1, 2022

What will you get when you throw a lot of books into the ocean?

A title wave.

May 31, 2022

A policeman pulls a man over. "Sir," he says, "I noticed your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

"Officer," responds the man, "I noticed your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

May 30, 2022

What does Cinderella usually wear to the beach?

Glass flippers!

May 29, 2022

What did the mama llama say to the baby llama while getting ready to go to a picnic?

Alpaca lunch!

May 28, 2022

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two - one to screw it in most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

May 27, 2022

What do you say to your sister when she's crying?

"Are you having a cry-sis?"

May 26, 2022

I never understood the concept of summer school. The teacher will stand up front and say "OK class, you know that subject you couldn't grasp in nine months? We're going to whip it out in six weeks."

May 25, 2022

Brain cells, hair cells, and skin cells - they all die constantly, but freaking fat cells seem to have eternal life!

May 24, 2022

Marriages are made in heaven. But, so again are thunder and lightning ....

May 23, 2022

60s v kitchen

May 22, 2022

Did you hear about the injured pony?

It's in stable condition!

May 21, 2022

I am born to be a gymnast with the multiple stunts I pull daily!

May 20, 2022

What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?

The Fodder of Our Country!

May 19, 2022

I was so bored sitting at home I memorized six pages of the dictionary. I learned next to nothing!

May 18, 2022

Why did the puny lettuce go to the gym?

It wanted to get shredded.

May 17, 2022

The housekeeper said she was going to start working from home. So, she sent me a list of chores to do.

May 16, 2022

Whoever makes it doesn't tell. Whoever takes it doesn't know. Whoever knows it doesn't want it. What is it?

Counterfeit money.

May 15, 2022

Be the girl on the right

May 14, 2022

Why do space rocks taste better than Earth rocks?

They're a little meteor!

May 13, 2022

What did the church's chef put on all the sandwiches?

Miracle Whip!

May 12, 2022

If a neighboring business puts up a sign saying "Lowest Prices", simply erect your own sign saying "Main Entrance".

May 11, 2022

WFH has led me to a surprising discovery. I do my best work in the kitchen. I'm counterproductive!

May 10, 2022

Pro-tip for couples working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our home, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don't know what to do about her.

May 9, 2022

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist said I could be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So, I guess it was an ether/oar situation.

May 8, 2022

I am devastated. My son has chosen a career in financial services rather than the family's wheat farm. He's going against the grain.

May 7, 2022

Why didn't the donkey cross the road?

Because he saw what happened to the zebra.

May 6, 2022

Doctor! Doctor! How long can a person live without a brain?

I don't know ... how old are you?

May 5, 2022

What is so fragile that saying its name breaks it?

Silence.

May 4, 2022

Showering as a mom should be an Olympic sport: Everyone's yelling your name, you have to beat the clock, and you rarely win a medal.

May 3, 2022

I met a microbiologist the other day. He was much bigger than I expected.

May 2, 2022

What do you get when you cross a fly, a car, and a dog?

A flying carpet.

May 1, 2022

I Don't Know About You

April 30, 2022

My niece, Sue, plans to open a discount grocery store where everything expires in a week. She's going to call it Best By .....

April 29, 2022

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and an elephant?

Big holes all over Australia.

April 28, 2022

Why did the surgeon not like the movie?

It was the uncut version!

April 27, 2022

What do you get when you cross a lemon and a cat?

A sourpuss.

April 26, 2022

Definition of an Ironing Board: A surf board which gave up on its dreams and went to work.

April 25, 2022

What do you get when you cross a football player and a pay phone?

A wide receiver.

April 24, 2022

What do you get when you cross Godzilla with a parrot?

I don't know, but if he asks for a cracker, give it to him!

April 23, 2022

Being my age means I'm old enough to do what I want, smart enough to know it's not a good idea, and stupid enough to do it anyway!

April 22, 2022

Everyone has photographic memory. Difference is some don't have any film.

April 21, 2022

Why was Cinderella so bad at sports?

Because she had a pumpkin for a coach!

April 20, 2022

What do you call a fake pizza?

A pepperphony pizza.

April 19, 2022

I'm going to open a restaurant that only serves crab and pizza.

I'll call it the Crust Station.

April 18, 2022

Why do people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. But the moment you do anything childish or immature they tell you to grow up.

April 17, 2022

Why did the mother spider scold the baby spider?

Because he spends too much time on the web!

April 16, 2022

How do you cut the ocean in half?

With a sea-saw!

April 15, 2022

What did the horse say when it fell down?

"Help! I've fallen and I can't giddyup!"

April 14, 2022

What do you call a musician with problems?

A trebled man.

April 13, 2022

I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs.

It's a step by step guide!

April 12, 2022

Baseball Sign

April 11, 2022

I keep a sandwich in a holster strapped to my ankle for emergencies. It's called a below-knee sandwich!

April 10, 2022

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

El-if-i-no

April 9, 2022

Dad: Be careful standing near those trees.

Daughter: Why? The sky is clear, there's no chance of lightning.

Dad: I don't know why, they just look kind of shady to me.

April 8, 2022

What did Uber and Google call their baby?

Goober.

April 7, 2022

What currency is used in space?

Star-bucks!

April 6, 2022

Why do we like volcanoes?

Because they are so lavable.

April 5, 2022

What did the Google employee have for lunch?

A byte to eat.

April 4, 2022

Why was the original origami master terrible at poker?

He was always folding!

April 3, 2022

What do you call an onlne potato?

A You-Tuber.

April 2, 2022

What has to be broken before you use it?

An egg.

April 1, 2022

Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?

Because they just finished a long 31-day March!

March 31, 2022

Why was Cookie Monster upset?

Because Google asked if he wanted to delete his cookies!

March 30, 2022

How Much Cheese

March 29, 2022

"It's spicy" is the universal adult code word for "I don't want to share".

March 28, 2022

Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.

March 27, 2022

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother ... Sudden Lee!

March 26, 2022

What has a bottom at the top?

Your legs.

March 25, 2022

From Actual Employee Evaluations:

  • Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig
  • When he opens his mouth, it seems this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there
  • He would be out of this depth in a parking lot puddle
  • Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it together
  • The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming

March 24, 2022

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering where you hold every object you own and if it doesn't bring you joy, you throw it away.

So far I've thrown out all of the vegetables, my bra, the electric bill, the scale, a mirror, and my treadmill.

March 23, 2022

What do you throw out when you want to use it but take in when you don't want to use it?

An anchor.

March 22, 2022

What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?

A fizzician.

March 21, 2022

Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula!

March 20, 2022

How was Rome split in two?

With a pair of Caesars!

March 19, 2022

I'm starting a flight company exclusively for bald people. I'll call it ... Receding Airlines!

March 18, 2022

What do you call the guy who spent the summer at the beach?

A tan-gent.

March 17, 2022

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.

March 16, 2022

Do you know who invented algebra?

An x-pert.

March 15, 2022

What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?

A fumigator.

March 14, 2022

laughing stock

March 13, 2022

It's the start of a brand new day and I'm off like a herd of turtles!

March 12, 2022

Why should you never trust someone writing on graph paper?

Because they're probably plotting something!

March 11, 2022

Four high school boys with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch, they told the teacher they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief, she said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said, "First question, which tire was flat?"

March 10, 2022

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

March 9, 2022

I met Bruce Lee's vegan brother today - his name is Brocko Lee.

March 8, 2022

My name is Ella. If I married Darth Vader, my name would be elevator!

March 7, 2022

You're a true 90's kid if you ever heard "Get off the internet, I need to use the phone."

March 6, 2022

Instead of "Have a good day," I think I'll start saying "Have the day you deserve." You know, let karma sort it out!

March 5, 2022

Auto correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

March 4, 2022

I'm so old I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything!

March 3, 2022

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

Feyonce.

March 2, 2022

Teacher: "If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"

Vincent: "One dollar."

Teacher: "You don't know your arithmetic."

Vincent: "You don't know my father."

March 1, 2022

As you get older, you have to stay positive. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs. Instead of getting upset, I just thought, "Wow, that's the fastest I've moved in years!"

Feb. 28, 2022

My mom's superpower is being the only person in the house who can see an empty toilet paper roll.

Feb. 27, 2022

If you ever get an email about pork, ham, salt, and preservatives - don't open it. It's Spam!

Feb. 26, 2022

I didn't fall down. I did attack the floor though.

Feb. 25, 2022

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in a glass of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats it's buoyant.

Feb. 24, 2022

My boss asked me how good I was at making spreadsheets.

I told him I Excel at it.

Feb. 23, 2022

What do you call Batman and Robin after a steam roller went over them?

Flatman and Ribbon

Feb. 22, 2022

You know it's time to clean out the diaper bag when you put it on the front seat and your car assumes it's a person not wearing a seat belt.

Feb. 21, 2022

What does a librarian use to go fishing?

A bookworm!

Feb. 20, 2022

Showering as a mom should be an Olympic sport: Everyone's yelling your name, you have to beat the clock, and you rarely win a medal.

Feb. 19, 2022

I didn't mean to gain weight.

It happened by snaccident.

Feb. 18, 2022

Did you hear the Energizer bunny was arrested?

It was battery!

Feb. 17, 2022

Relaxing

Feb. 16, 2022

I don't think I could ever stab someone. I mean, let's be real. I can barely get the straw in a Capri Sun pouch!

Feb. 15, 2022

How does Dolly Parton clean her swimming pools?

Chlorine, Chlorine, Chlorine, Chlorineeeeeeeee!

Feb. 14, 2022

We have an open door policy. Show up with wine and we'll open the door!

Feb. 13, 2022

Who's idea was it to sing "Happy Birthday" while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake!

Feb. 12, 2022

Did you know the word "DIET" stands for: Did I Eat That?

Feb. 11, 2022

When I die, I want my last words to be, "I left a million dollars under the ......"

Feb. 10, 2022

I'm not saying I'm Batman. But so far, nobody has seen me and Batman together in the same room.

Feb. 9, 2022

As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me!

Feb. 8, 2022

Which way did the computer programmer go?

He went data way.

Feb. 7, 2022

Patient: "Doctor, Doctor, I work like a horse, eat like a bird, and I'm tired as a dog!"

Doctor: "Have you been to a veterinarian?"

Feb. 6, 2022

I can't wait for Tuesday, Feb. 22, 2022 ... we can call it 2's Day!

Feb. 5, 2022

The doctor said he wanted to talk to me about my weight.

I said, "Well, it was about 20 minutes, but at least the chairs were comfy!"

Feb. 4, 2022

Sure, skydiving is scary but ... have you ever been to someone's house and the toilet won't flush?

Feb. 3, 2022

I just sold my homing pigeon on eBay - for the 22nd time!

Feb. 2, 2022

Doctor: "Would you have the money if I said you needed an operation?"

Patient: "Would you say I needed an operation if you thought I didn't have the money?"

Feb. 1, 2022

My wife asked me why I speak so quietly in the house. I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed

I laughed

Alexa laughed

Siri laughed ...

Jan. 31, 2022

Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?

Jan. 30, 2022

How can you tell a good snack from a bad one?

The good one always comes through when the chips are down!

Jan. 29, 2022

Have you ever noticed it sounds so friendly when you say "Have a nice day" to someone ... but, if you say "Enjoy your next 24 hours", it sounds a bit scary!

Jan. 28, 2022

What's an electrician's favorite ice cream flavor?

Shock-o-late!

Jan. 27, 2022

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.

I nodded knowingly. "It's the early signs of typothermia."

Jan. 26, 2022

Ate A Dictionary

Jan. 25, 2022

I danced like no one was watching!

My court date is pending.

Jan. 24, 2022

Be kind to everyone you meet.

You never know who lost an argument with a 3-year old today.

Jan. 23, 2022

Spiders and snakes are a vital part of the EEK-osystem!

Jan. 22, 2022

600 shopping carts in the grocery store and I keep picking the one with the front wheel that likes to pirouette like a ballerina on speed.

Jan. 21, 2022

Why do people tell you not to stand in front of an emergency exit when if there was an emergency surely you would run through it?

Jan. 20, 2022

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change colors?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

Jan. 19, 2022

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it's $2.50. Want to know why?

Inflation.

Jan. 18, 2022

If a policeman pulls over a U-Haul, did he bust a move?

Jan. 17, 2022

What did the cat say when he fell off the table?

Me-Ow.

Jan. 16, 2022

What do you call guys who love math?

Algebros.

Jan. 15, 2022

Toy Phone

Jan. 14, 2022

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?

Add spring water!

Jan. 13, 2022

What do mice use to floss their teeth?

String cheese!

Jan. 12, 2022

You know what can really ruin a Friday?

Remembering it's only Thursday!

Jan. 11, 2022

I eat tacos over a tortilla so when the stuff falls out .. BOOM .. another taco!

Jan. 10, 2022

1) Going to bed early; 2) Not leaving my house; 3) Not going to a party ... my childhood punishments have become my adult goals!

Jan. 9, 2022

Sometimes

Jan. 8, 2022

What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

A pouch potato!

Jan. 7, 2022

What do you call a pod of musical whales?

An Orca-stra!

Jan. 6, 2022

What do you call an owl that does magic tricks?

Hoo-dini.

Jan. 5, 2022

Definition of Junk: Something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

Jan. 4, 2022

I work in a busy office and when a computer goes down it's quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

A co-worker called out with mock horror, "This computer just flat-lined! Does anybody know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

Jan. 3, 2022

What do you have when both your son and daughter text you to borrow $100 each?

$200 and two unread messages!

Jan. 2, 2022

Rabbits jump and they live about 8 years. Dogs run and they live for about 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for about 150 years. Lesson learned!

Jan. 1, 2022

What do you call the aging process for snowmen?

Evaporation!

Dec. 31, 2021

My New Year's resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to "Auld Lang Syne".

Dec. 30, 2021

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves!

Dec. 29, 2021

In our family we don't hide crazy. We put it on the porch and give it a cocktail.

Dec. 28, 2021

At home it's weird for two people to eat two different things for dinner. But, at a restaurant it's weird to order the same thing.

Dec. 27, 2021

Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year's - December 31.

Dec. 26, 2021

All Food To The Lab

Dec. 25, 2021

How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh the day after Christmas?

They use Santa-tizer!

Dec. 24, 2021

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?

Krisp Kringle!

Dec. 23, 2021

How does the snow globe feel this year?

A little shaken!

Dec. 22, 2021

Ice Hole

Dec. 21, 2021

What happens if you eat the Christmas ornaments?

You get tinselitis.

Dec. 20, 2021

Why does Santa enter houses through the chimneys?

Because it soots him!

Dec. 19, 2021

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?

He looks at the calen-deer!

Dec. 18, 2021

We can put  man on the moon ... but, my "file is too big to send" ..........

Dec. 17, 2021

The biggest joke on mankind is that a computer program is asking a human to prove he isn't a robot!

Dec. 16, 2021

No matter how old you are, an empty wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with!

Dec. 15, 2021

My IT co-worker got new shoes.

He rebooted himself.

Dec. 14, 2021

I'm going to hang a Batman outfit in my closet just to mess with myself when I get old and forgetful.

Dec. 13, 2021

When is a boat just like snow?

When it's adrift.

Dec. 12, 2021

I wish there was a setting on the tv to turn up the intelligence. There's a setting called brightness, but it doesn't work!

Dec. 11, 2021

What do you call an elf who steals gift wrap from the rich and gives it to the poor?

Ribbon Hood.

Dec. 10, 2021

Experiencing Life

Dec. 9, 2021

What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling?

Mistletoad.

Dec. 8, 2021

What did one snowman say to the other?

I couldn't hear them,, so I have snow-idea.

Dec. 7, 2021

What's worse than Rudolph with a runny nose?

Frosty the Snowman with a hot flush.

Dec. 6, 2021

My girlfriend gained 50 pounds and now can predict the weather.

She fancies herself a meatierologist.

Dec. 5, 2021

Buying all Christmas presents in early December ... is advent-ageous.

Dec. 4, 2021

Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?

Because the kids have to play indoors!

Dec. 3, 2021

I was checking the weather on my phone and thought, "Oh Wow, there's going to be lightning!" Then I realized my phone was charging.

Dec. 2, 2021

What do truckers celebrate in December?

The haul-idays!

Dec. 1, 2021

Sign posted outside a Volunteer Fire Department in December:

Remember to water your Christmas tree ... or we will come and water it for you.

Nov. 30, 2021

A mom and son come home from the grocery store. The boy immediately empties out a box of animal crackers and the mom asks him why. The boy says, "You should not eat if the seal is broken, so I'm looking for the seal."

Nov. 29, 2021

I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved!

Nov. 28, 2021

Little Johnny's new baby brother is screaming up a storm. He asks his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replies, "He came from Heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "Wow! I can see why they threw him out!"

Nov. 27, 2021

What did the pop star do when he locked himself out?

He sang until he found the right key!

Nov. 26, 2021

What would you call a Minecraft movie?

A Block-buster!

Nov. 25, 2021

I tried to post a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys ... but, it was removed because of fowl language!

Nov. 24, 2021

I shot my first turkey today! People ran out of the frozen food section in excitement and even the cops showed up to see!

Nov. 23, 2021

A little girl serves her father tea while her mother is out shopping. The mother comes home and the father says, "Watch this!" The little girl goes and serves the mother tea. The mother responds, "Did it ever occur to you the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Nov. 22, 2021

Inside Voice

Nov. 21, 2021

If you feel down, like the world isn't listening, and you feel like crying, just remember there is someone out there struggling to pull a push to open door!

Nov. 20, 2021

My teacher pointed a ruler at me and said, "At the end of this ruler is an idiot."

I got detention for asking, "Which end?"

Nov. 19, 2021

My friend, David, had his ID stolen. Now he's just Dav.

Nov. 18, 2021

I want to open a two dollar store for people that enjoy the finer things!

Nov. 17, 2021

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.

A realist sees a freight train.

The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks!

Nov. 16, 2021

I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.

Nov. 15, 2021

The first guy to discover milk probably did a lot of other weird stuff.

Nov. 14, 2021

Parents don't really go on vacation. They just take care of their kids in a different city!

Nov. 13, 2021

You know you're an adult when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kicking it under the fridge!

Nov. 12, 2021

Why did the capacitor kiss the diode?

He just couldn't resistor!

Nov. 11, 2021

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree when it shouted, "Wait! I'm a talking tree."

The lumberjack grinned and said, "And you will dialogue!"

Nov. 10, 2021

Yesterday I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke!

Nov. 9, 2021

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today.

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.

Nov. 8, 2021

The adult version of "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" is "Wallet, Glasses, Keys, and Phone"!

Nov. 7, 2021

I'm sure a woodpecker just called me paranoid in morse code!

Nov. 6, 2021

When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.

But when we grow up, the electric bill makes us afraid of the light!

Nov. 5, 2021

Reasons why the English language is hard to learn:

  • The bandage was wound around the wound.
  • The farm was used to produce produce.
  • He could lead if he'd get the lead out.
  • Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
  • I did not object to the object.

Nov. 4, 2021

When bees move into a new hive, do they have a house swarming party?

Nov. 3, 2021

feeling good about yourself

Nov. 2, 2021

It may look like I'm having deep thoughts but 99% of the time I'm thinking about what food I'm going to eat later!

Nov. 1, 2021

Brain at 3AM: I can see you are trying to sleep so I'd like to offer you a selection of every memory, unresolved issue, or things you should have said or done today as well as in the past 40 years.

Oct. 31, 2021

I accidentally went shopping on an empty stomach. Now I'm the proud owner of Aisle 5.

Oct. 30, 2021

For Halloween, I'm putting a vending machine outside of my house. Tough on the kids but, I've got rent to pay on the 1st of the month!

Oct. 29, 2021

What exercises do Zombies do?

Dead lifts!

Oct. 28, 2021

Where do ghosts go on vacation?

Mali-boo.

Oct. 27, 2021

How do ghosts open the doors to their haunted houses?

With a skeleton key!

Oct. 26, 2021

Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?

They're afraid of flying off the handle!

Oct. 25, 2021

How do you write a book about Halloween?

With a ghostwriter!

Oct. 24, 2021

What genre are national anthems?

Country!

Oct. 23, 2021

Just Once

Oct. 22, 2021

I fold a fitted sheet exactly how I'd fight off a boa constrictor!

Oct. 21, 2021

Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored and go for a stroll out through my mouth. This is never a good thing!

Oct. 20, 2021

Why did the police officer ticket the ghost on Halloween?

It didn't have a haunting license.

Oct. 19, 2021

Getting older is just one body part after another saying, "Ha Ha, you think that's bad? Watch this!"

Oct. 18, 2021

Why do ghosts like riding in elevators?

It raises their spirits!

Oct. 17, 2021

If a cookie falls to the floor and you pick it up, that's a squat - right?

Oct. 16, 2021

It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

Oct. 15, 2021

When people say "You're going to regret that in the morning", I sleep until noon .. because I'm a problem solver!

Oct. 14, 2021

Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge.Others just gargle.

- Robert Anthony

Oct. 13, 2021

The first person to hear a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days!

Oct. 12, 2021

What plants like Halloween the most?

Bam-BOO!

Oct. 11, 2021

Accidentally used the dog's shampoo ... now I'm feeling like such a good girl.

Oct. 10, 2021

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune but the Chick Peas can only hummus one!

Oct. 9, 2021

If you lose a sock in the dryer, it returns as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any containers!

Oct. 8, 2021

What would you find on a haunted beach?

A sand-witch!

Oct. 7, 2021

Them: "What sign are you most compatible with?"

Me: "The Krispy Kreme Hot N Ready!"

Oct. 6, 2021

How do you make a baby ghost giggle? You play peek-a-boo!

Oct. 5, 2021

Being a little older, I'm very fortunate to have someone call and check on me every day. He's from another country and is very concerned about my car warranty.

Oct. 4, 2021

What would you get if you crossed a vampire with a teacher? Lots of blood tests!

Oct. 3, 2021

If you don't remember their name, take them to Starbucks!

Oct. 2, 2021

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi.

Oct. 1, 2021

I Look Great

Sept. 30, 2021

If liar's pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun!

Sept. 29, 2021

I fired myself from cleaning the house. I didn't like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job!

Sept. 28, 2021

Everyone has a hidden talent they don't know about until the tequila is poured!

Sept. 27, 2021

I saw two endangered species this morning. A pay phone and someone who uses it!

Sept. 26, 2021

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who has been asked what's in their mouth!

Sept. 25, 2021

It takes real skill to choke on air, fall up stairs, and trip over completely nothing ... I have that skill!

Sept. 24, 2021

Me: "I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise."

Personal Trainer: "This was the tour of the gym."

Sept. 23, 2021

Two friends talking about how they want to be remembered:

First friend: I'd like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a difference in our children of tomorrow.

Second friend: I'd like to hear them say 'Look, he's moving!'

Sept. 22, 2021

Do With Confidence

Sept. 21, 2021

If you think you are smarter than the previous generation ... 50 years ago the owners manual of a car showed you how to adjust the valves. Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery.

Sept. 20, 2021

Why are there different types of blood groups?

So the mosquitos can enjoy different flavors!

Sept. 19, 2021

Some call it multi-tasking. I call it doing something else while I try to remember what I was doing in the first place!

Sept. 18, 2021

So, a burglar broke into the house ... I put the red dot on his chest and the cat did the rest!

Sept. 17, 2021

People who ask me what I'm doing tomorrow probably assume that I even know what day of the week it is!

Sept. 16, 2021

Shoutout to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number but can't remember the password they created yesterday. You are my people!

Sept. 15, 2021

It's weird being the same age as old people.

Sept. 14, 2021

I swear the me that orders groceries and the me that actually has to cook the meals are two entirely different people!

Sept. 13, 2021

I miss being able to slam my phone down when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me!

Sept. 12, 2021

I just ordered a life alert bracelet so if I get a life, I'll be notified immediately!

Sept. 11, 2021

Now that I've lived during a plague, I understand why most Renaissance paintings are of chubby women laying around without a bra.

Sept. 10, 2021

It helps if you imagine auto correct as a tiny little elf in your phone who's trying so hard to be helpful but is in fact quite drunk.

Sept. 9, 2021

That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.

Sept. 8, 2021

The phrase "hindsight is 2020" may forever have new meaning.

Sept. 7, 2021

If I waited until I had all my ducks in a row, I'd never get across the street. Sometimes you just have to gather up what you've got and make a run for it!

Sept. 6, 2021

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog and a rose?

A Collie-flower!

Sept. 5, 2021

I listen to the radio with such frequency that my ear Hertz!

Sept. 4, 2021

Two funeral homes invented a marijuana coffin. It was a joint undertaking.

Sept. 3, 2021

Relationships are a lot like algebra ... have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Sept. 2, 2021

The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister of Sweden ... he should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend!

Sept. 1, 2021

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves!

Aug. 31, 2021

Long fairy tales have a tendancy to dragon.

Aug. 30, 2021

If I illegally download a movie in the Bahamas, does that make me a Pirate of the Caribbean?

Aug. 29, 2021

Clean Dance

Aug. 28, 2021

It's ok to borrow from the public library once in a while, but try not to overdue it!

Aug. 27, 2021

People are always saying to keep my nose to the grindstone.

But, I'm afraid it will cause me to lose face!

Aug. 26, 2021

There's a sign hanging in the window of a dry cleaners. It reads "So And So Dry Cleaners. Working on the same spot for 72 years."

Aug. 25, 2021

Gandhi was a pacifist, but during a bread shortage he got so hungry he advocated naan-violence.

Aug. 24, 2021

College is really kidnapping done backwards ... if you don't give us a ridiculously large amount of money, we'll send you your child back!

Aug. 23, 2021

A pistachio is nut thing to be proud of.

Aug. 22, 2021

I started a new workout routine this week, doing crunches twice a day ...

I do Cap'n in the morning and Nestle's in the afternoon!

Aug. 21, 2021

"It's no use. Art doesn't listen to me," said a little boy praying for a new bike. "Art who?" asked the boy's mother. "Art in heaven," came the reply.

Aug. 20, 2021

Photographer: "And, will you want those pictures in color or black and white?"

Zebra: "Jerk!"

Aug. 19, 2021

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a giant white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot!

Aug. 18, 2021

Why did the EMTs travel in sets of two?

They wanted to be pair-a-medics!

Aug. 17, 2021

I went to a really emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers!

Aug. 16, 2021

Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?

Aug. 15, 2021

Where do cows like to go?

To the mooooseum!

Aug. 14, 2021

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

Aug. 13, 2021

Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?

Aug. 12, 2021

What sound does an airplane make when it bounces off the ground?

Boeing ...

Aug. 11, 2021

Why should you never trust a pig with a secret?

Because it's bound to squeal!

Aug. 10, 2021

What if the spider in my bedroom lived his whole life thinking I was his roommate and died wondering what brought on this psychotic break?

Aug. 9, 2021

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. He takes a sip, spits it out, and says, "Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns, and says, "But sir, it's fresh ground."

Aug. 8, 2021

Never look at your beer as half empty. Look at is as halfway to your next beer!

Aug. 7, 2021

I ate too much cookie dough and got sick. It was an overdoughse.

Aug. 6, 2021

Why did the baseball player bring his gear on the sailboat?

He was told he might have to batten down the hatches!

Aug. 5, 2021

I woke up this morning and saw a bird of prey in my backyard eating avocado toast and yelling "OK, boomer!"

It was a millennial falcon!

Aug. 4, 2021

How do you rejuvenate an old boat?

Boat-tox!

Aug. 3, 2021

I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices.

It was a catcher in the rye!

Aug. 2, 2021

I was folding my pants, fresh out of the dryer, and found a dollar in a pocket.

Geez, how long have I been laundering money?

Aug. 1, 2021

What do you call a boat with AI?

A Row-bot!

July 31, 2021

What kind of snakes are found on cars?

Windshield vipers!

July 30, 2021

What does BOAT stand for?

Break Out Another Thousand!

July 29, 2021

Technology is amazing ... if I touch my phone in the right places, someone comes and brings me a pizza!

July 28, 2021

My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's Day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower.

"Gold Medal All Purpose" apparently wasn't the answer!

July 27, 2021

The animal hairstylist at the zoo has become a mane attraction!

July 26, 2021

What do you call the medical condition where your feet go to sleep?

Coma-toes!

July 25, 2021

What is a shoe repairman's favorite dessert?

Cobbler!

July 24, 2021

I'm surprised I'm not musically inclined. As a child, my attitude was so bad I often got my bell rung and was told to sing a new tune!

July 23, 2021

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.

That would be a big step forward!

July 22, 2021

If you're waiting to be served in a restaurant, shouldn't you be called the waiter?

July 21, 2021

You know how you pull the smartphone out of your pocket to check the time?

We're really going back to the era of the pocket watch!

July 20, 2021

My head is slowly 3D printing my hair!

July 19, 2021

You know how you pull the smartphone out of your pocket to check the time?

We're really going back to the era of the pocket watch!

July 18, 2021

If we shouldn't eat late at night, why do they put a light in the refrigerator?

July 17, 2021

Hills aren't fun ... they're hill areas!

July 16, 2021

What did the flower say after telling a joke?

I was just pollen your leg!

July 15, 2021

What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

A pouch potato!

July 14, 2021

My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They're his watch dogs.

July 13, 2021

Where do snowmen go in a medical emergency?

The ICY-U

July 12, 2021

Did you hear about the robbers who fell into the sea?

They started a crime wave.

July 11, 2021

What does the flower say when it wants you to leave it alone?

Begonia!

July 10, 2021

What happened to the first 6 ups?

July 9, 2021

wandering in my mind

July 8, 2021

How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?

You take away its tiny brooms!

July 7, 2021

Why did the gymnist put extra salt on her food?

So she could do summer salts.

July 6, 2021

Never trust people who sketch facial composites for police reports.

They're con artists!

July 5, 2021

Why don't mummies go on summer vacation?

They're afraid to relax and unwind!

July 4, 2021

I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.

July 3, 2021

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

July 2, 2021

What's the opposite of croissant?

A happy uncle!

July 1, 2021

A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.

He just can't part with it.

June 30, 2021

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all of her bills?

Bernadette.

June 29, 2021

What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowntain.

June 28, 2021

How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?

June 27, 2021

Hakuna Mavodka: It means no memories for the rest of your night!

June 26, 2021

Boob's law: You always find something in the last place you look.

June 25, 2021

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

June 24, 2021

If I die and come back as a hillbilly, is that called reintarnation?

June 23, 2021

The Law of Avoiding Oversell:

When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

June 22, 2021

An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just said, "In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a floatation device", when a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"

June 21, 2021

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

June 20, 2021

Why didn't the surgeon like the movie?

It was the uncut version.

June 19, 2021

Why are green beans the most Zen of all vegetables?

Because they've found their inner peas!

June 18, 2021

El Arroyo Sign

June 17, 2021

What do you call a goat that's lazy?

Billy Idle.

June 16, 2021

I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman". Instead it turns out it says "Senior Discount, Please!"

June 15, 2021

A few of us were discussing the perils of drinking and driving when my 5-year old granddaughter threw in her two cents. "I can see why it would be dangerous to drink and drive, the straw could go up your nose."

June 14, 2021

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

June 13, 2021

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

June 12, 2021

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking!

June 11, 2021

What do you call malware on a Kindle?

A bookworm!

June 10, 2021

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.

Clooney says, "I'll direct."

DiCaprio says, "I'll act."

McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

June 9, 2021

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky.

June 8, 2021

If you wear cowboy clothes ... are you ranch dressing?

June 7, 2021

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?

Sneakers!

June 6, 2021

True Story: During residency, I got paged at 3AM to the SICU. I called them, a bit curious as to what was going on, as 3AM calls to the neurologist rarely come from the SICU.

When I introduced myself as the on-call neurologist, the very southern-sounding nurse loudly exclaimed:

"Neurology? I wanted Urology. I got the wrong end!"

June 5, 2021

Why are elderly people called 'old people', but children are never called 'new people'?

June 4, 2021

Why is it that people duck in the rain?

Do they really think the rain won't hit them?

June 3, 2021

What kind of dog doesn't bark?

A hush puppy!

June 2, 2021

I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions.

Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy?

Me: Yes.

Nurse: When?

Me: 2011.

Nurse: Do you think you could be pregnant?

Me: Do you think this is the right career for you?

June 1, 2021

I like to tell dad jokes, but I don't have kids.

I'm a faux pa.

May 31, 2021

Apple announced a new product for wives that helps cope with spontaneous dad jokes.

The iRoll.

May 30, 2021

Jerry is in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm ok, but I didn't like the four letter word the doctor used in surgery."

"What did he say?", asks the nurse.

"OOPS!"

May 29, 2021

I felt super exhausted after giving blood.

It's such a draining procedure.

May 28, 2021

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. They can't ask the patients what is the matter - they've got to just know.

- Will Rogers

May 27, 2021

Why don't you iron four leaf clovers?

Because you don't want to press your luck!

May 26, 2021

I've decided to name my son Mark.

That way, when I die, others will be able to say I left a Mark on this world.

May 25, 2021

Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler.

I woke up exhausted!

May 24, 2021

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the policeman said, "when you get four of them you get a bicycle."

May 23, 2021

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

May 22, 2021

My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an Ewok.

Wookie mistake!

May 21, 2021

Yesterday, I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object where the sun doesn't shine, and film the whole thing.

Or, as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy.

May 20, 2021

I don't understand how I can remember every word of a song from 1964, but I can't remember why I walked in the kitchen!

May 19, 2021

Who swore the most in Star Wars?

R2-D2, they beeped out every word he said!

May 18, 2021

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there staring at carpeting?

May 17, 2021

To save money, I suggested to one of my grown sons that we all live together in one house.

I could tell he didn't think it would be cost-effective when he asked, "Who's going to pay the therapist?"

May 16, 2021

What do you call a fake Irish diamond?

A sham-rock!

May 15, 2021

I told my mom that "WTF" means "Wow, That's Fantastic."

Her texts are so much more fun now.

May 14, 2021

I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.

I turned off the WiFi router and just waited in the room where it's located!

May 13, 2021

I bought a new iPod the other day and I've called it "The Titanic".

Now when I plug it into my laptop it says, "The Titanic is syncing."

May 12, 2021

Hootin' is a gateway drug to hollerin'.

May 11, 2021

You know how the credits at the end of movies always say something like "No animals were injured in the making of this film"? Well, what if they were?

Do they list it in the credits?

"Brian hurt one monkey, he's very sorry."

May 10, 2021

Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank?

Because they'll just wash up on shore later.

May 9, 2021

I can't see an end.

I have no control and I don't think there's an escape - I don't even have a home anymore.

Definitely time for a new keyboard!

May 8, 2021

I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging squirrels by height.

They didn't like my critter sizing!

May 7, 2021

What's it called when you kill chickpeas?

Hummuside!

May 6, 2021

What does a condiment wizard perform?

Saucery!

May 5, 2021

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I give her a shoulder to crayon!

May 4, 2021

My friend Tony said not to say his name backwards.

I said y not?

May 3, 2021

My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me.

I had some pretty big shoes to fill!

May 2, 2021

What does James Bond's doorbell sound like?

Dong, Ding Dong

May 1, 2021

What do you call a baby polar bear?

An ice cub!

April 30, 2021

I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.

She rang my room and said, "What the hell are you doing with your life?"

April 29, 2021

I stayed in a hotel last week where the towels were so thick ...

I could barely close my suitcase.

April 28, 2021

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it."

That way people think you are bilingual instead of an idiot!

April 27, 2021

What do you call a dead pine tree?

A nevergreen!

April 26, 2021

What do you call someone who draws funny pictures of automobiles?

A car-toonist!

April 25, 2021

Never have more children than you have car windows!

- Erma Bombeck

April 24, 2021

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!

- George Carlin

April 23, 2021

4 Hour Car Ride

April 22, 2021

What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?

A URL-ologist!

April 21, 2021

What do you call two octopuses that look exactly the same?

Itenticle!

April 20, 2021

I have a chicken lawn ... it's impeckable!

April 19, 2021

Cinderella is proof a new pair of shoes can change your life!

April 18, 2021

I have no idea why the doctor told me to get in shape. Isn't round a shape?

April 17, 2021

What do you call an aardvark that is three feet long?

A yardvark!

April 16, 2021

What does a pirate say when he puts his peg leg in a freezer?

Shiver me timbers!

April 15, 2021

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

April 14, 2021

I watch so much Netflix that instead of suggesting more shows for me to watch, it started suggesting I go outside!

April 13, 2021

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish 'n Ships!

April 12, 2021

How do hypnotists get from one place to another?

By public trance-port!

April 11, 2021

When I'm sad, I sing. Then I realize my voice is worse than my problems!

April 10, 2021

Kid: Mom, can I have $20?

Mom: What do you think, I am made of money?

Kid: Isn't that what mom stands for?

April 9, 2021

Did you know Spiderman has a jacket made entirely of Mediterranean flat bread?

It's a Pita Parka!

April 8, 2021

What do you call a doctor who specializes in Adam's apples?

A guyneckologist!

April 7, 2021

I've trained my dog to fetch me a bottle of wine.

He's a Bordeaux Collie!

April 6, 2021

What did the tree say to the spring flowers?

It's a re-leaf to see you!

April 5, 2021

I threw a ball for my dog ... a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket!

April 4, 2021

Why do some dogs have trouble walking?

Arf-ritis.

April 3, 2021

"Why are you studying your Easter candy?"

"I'm trying to decide which came first - the chocolate chicken or the chocolate egg!"

April 2, 2021

You know you're getting old when you lean over to pick something up off the floor, and ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there!

April 1, 2021

Since the COVID outbreak, my 47 year-old son has been washing his hands religiously. In fact he said, "I've been washing my hands so much, I found the answers to an old eighth grade math quiz!"

March 31, 2021

birthday cake

March 30, 2021

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

"Supplies!"

March 29, 2021

Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory?

He kept throwing away the bent ones!

March 28, 2021

What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction!

March 27, 2021

What do you call a doll on fire?

A Barbie-Q!

March 26, 2021

How do you keep a bagel from getting away?

Put lox on it!

March 25, 2021

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"

March 24, 2021

My 5 yr. old: This potato salad makes me sad.

Me: Why?

Child: All these potatoes could have been fries!

March 23, 2021

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She told me newspapers are old school, that people use tablets now, and handed me her iPod. The fly didn't stand a chance.

March 22, 2021

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

March 21, 2021

Electricity is really just organized lightning!

- George Carlin

March 20, 2021

There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language. We call him the Village Idiom!"

March 19, 2021

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the post office? Are we supposed to write them? Why not put their pictures on postage stamps so the mail carriers can look for them while they deliver the mail?

March 18, 2021

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice when you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS"?

March 17, 2021

What did the leprechaun put in the vending machine?

A lepre-coin!

March 16, 2021

Me: What's the Wi-Fi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Ok, I'll have a Coke.

Bartender: Three dollars.

Me: There you go. So, what's the Wi-Fi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

March 15, 2021

How does a rancher keep track of his cattle?

With a cow-culator!

March 14, 2021

Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the Ark Hives!

March 13, 2021

What do you call a detective electrician?

Sherlock Ohms!

March 12, 2021

What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly?

Stationary!

March 11, 2021

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron ...

which is ironic!

March 10, 2021

I had the rudest, slowest, and nastiest cashier today ...

That's the last time I use the self checkout lane!

March 9, 2021

What type of sandals do frogs wear?

Open-toad!

March 8, 2021

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

March 7, 2021

When you choke a Smurf, what color do they turn?

March 6, 2021

When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?

March 5, 2021

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

March 4, 2021

Why do people say 'tuna fish'? They don't say 'beef mammal' or 'chicken bird' ...

March 3, 2021

Hired a handyman and gave him a list.

When I got home, only items #1, #3, and #5 were done.

Turns out, he only does odd jobs!

March 2, 2021

Teacher: What is a synonym?

Student: A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other!

March 1, 2021

Smoking will kill you ... bacon will kill you ... but smoking bacon will cure it!

Feb. 28, 2021

I read the mass chicken farms pump chickens full of antibiotics.

That would explain why chicken soup is so good when you are sick!

Feb. 27, 2021

I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year.

Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage!

Feb. 26, 2021

Two cats are sitting in front of a bird's cage and see a newly arrived green canary.

One says to the other, "It's really a strange color, maybe he's not ripe yet!"

Feb. 25, 2021

How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?

Don't go around brrfooted!

Feb. 24, 2021

What do you call a cat who gets her way no matter what?

Purrsuasive!

Feb. 23, 2021

I just found out why dogs drink out of the toilet.

My mother says it's because the water is a lot colder in there.

I'm like ... how does my mother know that?

Feb. 22, 2021

What market shouldn't you take your dog to?

The flea market!

Feb. 21, 2021

Fantastic new exercise to really help lose weight:

Turn your head to the left ... good!

Turn your head to the right ... very good!

Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food!

Feb. 20, 2021

What do you call a wolf who picks up litter after campers and is worried about pollution?

Aware wolf.

Feb. 19, 2021

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?

An abdominal snowman!

Feb. 18, 2021

Next Time It Snows

Feb. 17, 2021

If the sun shines while it's snowing, what do you look for?

Snowbows!

Feb. 16, 2021

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii ... or just a-low-ha?

Feb. 15, 2021

It was a serious and solemn affair when the man who invented the Hokey Pokey died - until it was time to place him in the coffin.

They put his right foot in ...

It all went downhill from there.

Feb. 14, 2021

A patient sobs to his doctor, "I feel like a pair of curtains."

Doctor: "Well, pull yourself together man!"

Feb. 13, 2021

I threw a boomerang a few years ago.

I now live in constant fear!

Feb. 12, 2021

Is it possible to cross an eel and an eagle?

Absolutely not. That would be eeleagle!

Feb. 11, 2021

What do you call a factory that sells good products?

A satis-factory!

Feb. 10, 2021

A new hair salon opened across the street from an established hair salon. They put up a bold sign "We give $7 hair cuts!"

Not to be outdone, the established salon put up a sign, "We fix $7 hair cuts!"

Feb. 9, 2021

What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop you're sure you've been to before?

Deja brew!

Feb. 8, 2021

Why is grass so dangerous?

It's full of blades!

Feb. 7, 2021

It's not appropriate to make a dad joke if you're not a dad.

It's a faux pa.

Feb. 6, 2021

I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry ... he had selfie steam issues!

Feb. 5, 2021

You can train a cat to do anything the cat wants to do at the moment it wants to do it.

Feb. 4, 2021

What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop you're sure you've been to before?

Deja brew!

Feb. 3, 2021

What's the technical name for a pot of coffee at work?

Break fluid!

Feb. 2, 2021

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him!

Feb. 1. 2021

I gave up on my career as a plumber. It was too draining!

Jan. 31, 2021

Autocorrect makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

Jan. 30, 2021

What's a cat's favorite color?

Purr-ple!

Jan. 29, 2021

What kind of tree fits in your hand?

A palm tree!

Jan. 28, 2021

Thoughts At Night

Jan. 27, 2021

A flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Jan. 26, 2021

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding, saying "Oooohhhh I love how smooth it is!"

Jan. 25, 2021

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed>

Jan. 24, 2021

"I found a wallet packed with money down by the church."

"Did you turn it in?"

"Not yet. I'm still trying to decide if it's a temptation from the devil or the answer to a prayer."

Jan. 23, 2021

Two pet owners get together for a public discussion on the internet. They call it their Pawed Cast!

Jan. 22, 2021

A hangover is the wrath of grapes!

Jan. 21, 2021

What sort of tv programming do ducks like?

Duckumentaries!

Jan. 20, 2021

He had a photographic memory that was never developed!

Jan. 19, 2021

250 lbs. here on earth is 94.5 lbs. on Mercury. 

I'm not fat, I'm just on the wrong planet!

Jan. 18, 2021

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, do they automatically lose because they can't find themaelves?

Jan. 17, 2021

Every time a bird poops on my car, I sit on my patio eating scrambled eggs to show them who's the boss!

Jan. 16, 2021

How many ears does Spock have?

Three: The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear!

Jan. 15, 2021

What happens when you talk to a cow?

It goes in one ear and out the udder!

Jan. 14, 2021

The urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is never more than a whim away!

Jan. 13, 2021

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite!

Jan. 12, 2021

My lips don't touch when I say the word 'touch', but my lips touch when I say 'separate'!

Jan. 11, 2021

Acupuncture is a jab well done!

Jan. 10, 2021

Why does a moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?

Because it's a little meteor!

Jan. 9, 2021

You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace!

Jan. 8, 2021

How is a baseball team similar to a pancake?

They both need a good batter!

Jan. 7, 2021

You know how you pull your smartphone out of your pocket to check the time?

We're really going back to the era of pocket watches!

Jan. 6, 2021

I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field."

She asked, "What does that have to do with anything?"

I said, "That means it's pasture bed time!"

Jan. 5, 2021

What do you call a snowman temper tantrum?

A meltdown!

Jan. 4, 2021

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Jan. 3, 2021

How do you scare a snowman?

Get a hair dryer!

Jan. 2, 2021

I used to be a fortune teller but I kept predicting snowstorms.

It turns out I wasn't using a crystal ball, it was a snowglobe!

Jan. 1, 2021

My friend, Joe, recently went on the Dolly Parton diet ...

it made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!

Dec. 31, 2020

What is a New Year's resolution?

Something that goes in one year and out the other!

Dec. 30, 2020

Where do snowmen keep their money?

In snow banks!

Dec. 29, 2020

"I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives."

- Billy Connolly

Dec. 28, 2020

What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?

Dec. 27, 2020

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Dec. 26, 2020

What did the gingerbread man get when he broke his leg?

A candy cane!

Dec. 25, 2020

Forgot My Mask

Dec. 24, 2020

Why doesn't Santa let the elves work on his computer?

Because they delete all his Christmas cookies!

Dec, 23, 2020

What kind of photos do elves take?

Elfies!

Dec. 22, 2020

What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?

Rude-olph!

Dec. 21, 2020

Who is a Christmas! tree's favorite singer?

Spruce Springsteen

Dec. 20, 2020

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

A Holly Davidson!

Dec. 19, 2020

Who is Santa's favorite singer?

Elf-is Presley!

Dec. 18, 2020

What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?

A cookie sheet!

Dec. 17, 2020

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.

I came into my house, told my dog - we laughed a lot!

Dec. 16, 2020

What do elves learn in school?

The elfabet!

Dec. 15, 2020

Arizona Tree

Dec. 14, 2020

What do you call a detective electrician?

Sherlock Ohms!

Dec. 13, 2020

I wasn't going home to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So, I'm going home for the hollandaise!

Dec. 12, 2020

Teacher: Don, what is the chemical formula for water?

Don: H I J K L M N O

Teacher: What are you talking about?

Don: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

Dec. 11, 2020

What do lawn ornaments do over winter break?

Go gnome for the holidays!

Dec. 10, 2020

Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said I wasn't sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody'.

Dec. 9, 2020

I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love but I also have a cat to remind me I don't deserve it ... it's all about balance!

Dec. 8, 2020

Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store?

He was looking for the holiday spirit!

Dec. 7, 2020

Apple has introduced a new product for wives to help cope with spontaneous dad jokes throughout their day.

The iRoll.

Dec. 6, 2020

What do snowmen call their offspring?

Chill-dren!

Dec. 5, 2020

The cool part about naming your kid is you don't have to add six numbers to make sure the name is available.

- Bill Murray

Dec. 4, 2020

I gave my date a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet!

Dec. 3, 2020

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal ... Elon-gate would be really drawn out!

Dec. 2, 2020

My friend said "You have a BA, a Masters, and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot ..."

It was a third degree burn!

Dec. 1, 2020

What do you call a snowman temper tantrum?

A meltdown!

Nov. 30, 2020

How do mountains stay warm?

Snow caps!

Nov. 29, 2020

Zoom Meeting

Nov. 28, 2020

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

Coincidence?

I think not!

Nov. 27, 2020

Why did grandma put wheels on her rocking chair?

She wanted to rock and roll!

Nov. 26, 2020

I'm giving up drinking until Christmas!

Sorry, bad punctuation ...

I'm giving up, drinking until Christmas!

Nov. 25, 2020

What do you call a handyman's skill set?

His repair-toire!

Nov. 24, 2020

What does NASA stand for?

Need Another Seven Astronauts!

Nov. 23, 2020

What do you call James Bond taking a bath?

Bubble 07.

Nov. 22, 2020

What do you call a calculator that works instantly?

A calcunow!

Nov. 21, 2020

Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?

You just have to listen varicosely!

Nov. 20, 2020

Definition of Perfectionist: Someone who wants to go from point A to point A+!

Nov. 19, 2020

What do you call malware on a Kindle?

A bookworm!

Nov. 18, 2020

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday.

So, the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were okay!

Nov. 17, 2020

What's it called when you kill chickpeas?

Hummuside!

Nov. 16, 2020

Real Life Airline Announcements:

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go zipping

through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Nov. 15, 2020

My friends and I exhumed a tibia.

It was quite the shin dig!

Nov. 14, 2020

I was so irritated with my neighbor today, he kept playing Lional Richie songs at full blast. Normally I wouldn't mind. But it was All Night Long!

Nov. 13, 2020

Why did Chewbacca crash the Millennium Falcon the first time he flew it?

It was a Wookie mistake!

Nov. 12, 2020

Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?

Gnomads!

Nov. 11, 2020

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor!

Nov. 10, 2020

I used to think the brain was the most important organ.

Then I thought, look what's telling me that!

Nov. 9, 2020

commas are important

Nov. 8, 2020

I just got hit by a rented car.

It Hertz!

Nov. 7, 2020

I love being a maze designer. I get totally lost in my work!

Nov. 6, 2020

What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?

A barberque!

Nov. 5, 2020

I changed all my passwords to Kenny.

Now all I have are Kenny Loggins!

Nov. 4, 2020

Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.

He's my spirit guide!

Nov. 3, 2020

Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing today is Tuesday!

Nov. 2, 2020

My boss said, "I find it highly suspicious you are only sick on weekdays."

I said, "It must be my weekend immune system."

Nov. 1, 2020

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for his lousy summer!

Oct. 31, 2020

What do you call a chicken that haunts your house?

A poultrygeist!

Oct. 30, 2020

I know Albert Einstein was a genius ... but I think his brother, Frank, was a monster!

Oct. 29, 2020

What do you call two witches sharing an apartment?

Broommates!

Oct. 28, 2020

What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?

Bamboo!

Oct. 27, 2020

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?

All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts!

Oct. 26, 2020

What do you call a cold ghost?

Casp-burr!

Oct. 25, 2020

What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin!

Oct. 24, 2020

How do leaves get from place to place?

With autumn-mobiles!

Oct. 23, 2020

What do you call a ghost's true love?

His ghoul-friend!

Oct. 22, 2020

Adam's girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of his motorcycle. He just rode on. Ruthless.

Oct. 21, 2020

What is the cutest season?

Awwtumn!

Oct. 20, 2020

Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!

Oct. 19, 2020

If mud baths are so good for the skin, why are rhinos so wrinkly?

Oct. 18, 2020

That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent!"

Oct. 17, 2020

Why don't enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

Oct. 16, 2020

Quasimodo was the best detective in France.

He always had a hunch!

Oct. 15, 2020

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke!

Oct. 14, 2020

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date!

Oct. 13, 2020

Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.

Apparently he's been using performance enhancing rugs.

Oct. 12, 2020

Got tasered picking up my friend at the airport today.

Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout "Hi, Jack."

Oct. 11, 2020

Spider: Why are you terrified of me?

Me: Well, the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk!

Oct. 10, 2020

What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A blood orange!

Oct. 9, 2020

My life is like an internet browser, 17 tabs are open, 4 of them are frozen, and I don't know where the music is coming from!

Oct. 8, 2020

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who has been asked what's in their mouth!

Oct. 7, 2020

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not!

Oct. 6, 2020

If a word in the dictionary was misspelled, how would we know?

Oct. 5, 2020

When single women get to the age of 50, they tend to adopt lots of cats. 

This phenomenon is called many paws!

Oct. 4, 2020

Why did the taxi driver get fired for working so hard?

Passengers didn't like it when they went the extra mile!

Oct. 3, 2020

I hope when I inevitably choke on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that!

Oct. 2, 2020

The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

Oct. 1, 2020

Sometimes my internet is so slow it's faster to drive to the Google office and ask them stuff in person!

Sept. 30, 2020

 Nooooo

Sept. 29, 2020

Where do horses go shopping?

Old-neighvy!

Sept. 28, 2020

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started!

Sept. 27, 2020

I sold my vacuum. All it was doing was collecting dust!

Sept. 26, 2020

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Sept. 25, 2020

6-year old Ned's mom was looking through an old family Bible when an oak leaf fell out.

Ned said "I guess that must be Adam's shorts."

Sept. 24, 2020

The young daughter of a tire salesman saw triplets for the first time.

Upon returning home she cried out, "Oh mother, guess what I saw today."

"I can't imagine, what?"

"A lady had twins, and a spare!"

Sept. 23, 2020

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening", then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Sept. 22, 2020

If Bill Gates had a penny for each time I had to reboot my computer ... oh wait, he does!

Sept. 21, 2020

If lawyers are disbarred and clegymen are defrocked ...

Doesn't it then follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Sept. 20, 2020

One way to find out if you're old is to fall in front of a group of people ...

If they laugh, you're young!

If they panic and start running toward you, you're old!

Sept. 19, 2020

What do you call the boss at Old McDonald's Farm?

The CIEIO!

Sept. 18, 2020

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed space!

Sept. 17, 2020

Don't let go of your dreams - hit snooze!

Sept. 16, 2020

What did Einstein eat as a baby?

Formula!

Sept. 15, 2020

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Sept. 14, 2020

Trail mix?? You mean M&M's with obstacles?

Sept. 13, 2020

I's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. 

The difference is staggering!

Sept. 12, 2020

What do cars do at the disco?

Brake dance!

Sept. 11, 2020

Once I debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth just to prove me wrong. He'll come around eventually!

Sept. 10, 2020

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?

Fill it with spring water!

Sept. 9, 2020

Instead of 'the John', I call my toilet 'the Jim'. That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning!

Sept. 8, 2020

What do you call having your grandmother on speed dial?

Instagram!

Sept. 7, 2020

Carpe Diem

Sept. 6, 2020

How come we never see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Sept. 5, 2020

What's it called when you borrow money to buy a bison?

A buffaloan!

Sept. 4, 2020

What does Jeff Bezos do before bed?

He puts his pajamazon!

Sept. 3, 2020

What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?

Laughing stock!

Sept. 2, 2020

What is the sole purpose of a middle name?

So a child can tell when they're really in trouble!

Sept. 1, 2020

I remember years ago when I wanted to be older. I was wrong.

Aug. 30, 2020

A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken looked at him and said ... "Don't do it pal ... you'll never hear the end of it!"

Aug. 29, 2020

Where do pirates like to eat?

Aaarby's!

Aug. 28, 2020

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion!

Aug. 27, 2020

Practice safe eating - always use condiments!

Aug. 26, 2020

Why is a computer so smart?

It listens to its motherboard!

Aug. 25, 2020

The other day I got carded at the liquor store. While I was taking out my ID, my old Blockbuster card fell out. Thd clerk shook his head, said "Never mind", and rang me up!

Aug. 24, 2020

Why did the kid cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!

Aug. 23, 2020

What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?

R2Detour

Aug. 22, 2020

How does a cucumber become a pickle?

It goes through a jarring experience!

Aug. 21, 2020

What do you call a pounding headache?

A temple tantrum!

Aug. 20, 2020

Go to the pet store, buy some birdseed then ask the clerk how long it will take for birds to grow!

Aug. 19, 2020

Good mothers let you lick the beaters.

Great mothers turn them off first!

Aug. 18, 2020

Who keeps the ocean clean?

The mermaid!

Aug. 17, 2020

I've started a business making boats in my attic ... Sails are going through the roof!

Aug. 16, 2020

What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?

A bagel.

Aug. 15, 2020

Dog Beers

Aug. 14, 2020

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding!

Aug. 13, 2020

What do you call a pirate that skips class?

Captain Hooky!

Aug. 12, 2020

What did one tornado say to the other?

Let's twist again like we did last summer!

Aug. 11, 2020

Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she's doing!

Aug.10, 2020

I'm planning a clairvoyants meeting. I assume you know when, where, and what time!

Aug. 9, 2020

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics!

Aug. 8, 2020

What did the cannibal eat when he was late for dinner?

The cold shoulder!

Aug. 7, 2020

Parenthood is the scariest hood to go through!

Aug. 6, 2020

If you give an alligator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?

Aug. 5, 2020

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do!

Aug. 4, 2020

What ride do ghosts like best at a theme park?

The roller ghoster!

Aug. 3, 2020

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one, I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always

locking three!

- Elayne Boosler

Aug. 2, 2020

If we shouldn't eat at night, why do they put a light in the refrigerator?

Aug. 1, 2020

What kind of car does Yoda drive?

A Toyoda!

July 31, 2020

What sort of money do you need to start your own landscaping business?

A hedge fund!

July 30, 2020

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

July 29, 2020

I wish my life had background music so I could understand what the heck is going on!

July 28, 2020

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

July 27, 2020

You know you're a mom when you understand why Mama Bear's porridge was too cold.

July 26, 2020

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused."

Then, I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail!

July 25, 2020

I really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flies.

I just didn't realize it would Zoom!

July 24, 2020

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can't believe I lost the Rock's Paper Scissors!

July 23, 2020

Dogs have beloved masters. Cats have wait staff.

July 22, 2020

A banker fell overboard from a friend's boat. Not knowing if he could swim, he grabbed a life preserver, held it up and shouted "Can you float alone?"

"Obviously", the banker said, "But this is a heck of a time to talk business!"

July 21, 2020

Following The Masses

July 20, 2020

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and there's a chance things could be really bad.

It'll be 5050!

July 19, 2020

Why do you put two cents in when it's only a penny for your thoughts?

July 18, 2020

How do you take a sick pig to the hospital?

A hambulance!

July 17, 2020

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread!

July 16, 2020

I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.

July 15, 2020

Last night I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach. At least that explains the footprints in the cat litter this morning.

July 14, 2020

What do you call someone who is really into stationary biking?

A cyclepath!

July 13, 2020

Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?

July 12, 2020

I put much more effort into naming my first WiFi than my first child!

July 11, 2020

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

It's called feefiphobia!

July 10, 2020

Respect your parents, they passed high school withut Google!

July 9, 2020

How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but you should have seen the bulb - it was THIS big!

July 8, 2020

What kind of car does a Viking drive?

A fjord!

July 7, 2020

You call them swear words, I call them sentence enhancers!

July 6, 2020

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint, lower my voice, and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

July 5, 2020

What kind of sandals do frogs wear?

Open-toad!

July 4, 2020

Isn't it funny the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom ...

until they are flashing behind your car!

July 3, 2020

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!

July 2, 2020

I'm aware the voices in my head aren't real.

But, their ideas are just awesome sometimes!

July 1, 2020

What kind of socks do you need to plant flowers?

Garden hose.

June 30, 2020

Wouldn't it be nice if the car navigation voice would get more and more excited as you get closer to your destination?

June 29, 2020

If you think you are too small to make a difference - try sleeping with a mosquito!

June 28, 2020

How does a dog stop a video?

It hits the paws button!

June 27. 2020

What do you get when you put a candle in a suit of armor?

A knight light!

June 26, 2020

Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?

The scientists were brainstorming!

June 25, 2020

What do you get when you cross a pig with a dinosaur?

Jurassic Pork!

June 24, 2020

"I wasn't THAT drunk last night."

"Oh man, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to quit crying."

June 23, 2020

Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?

He couldn't find the Droid he was looking for!

June 22, 2020

What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer day?

I'm bacon!

June 21, 2020

Why can't cats work on the computer?

They get too distracted chasing the mouse!

June 20, 2020

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

- George Carlin

June 19, 2020

Are people born with photographic memories or does it take time to develop?

June 18, 2020

What do you say when you are comforting a grammar teacher?

There, Their, They're.

June 17, 2020

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

- Steve Martin

June 16, 2020

I am borrowing from the future, to pay for the past, but I'm staying present in the process.

- Gregg Eisenberg, Letting Go Is All We Have To Hold Onto

June 15, 2020

What kind of horses go out after dark?

Nightmares.

June 14, 2020

When I'm bored, I text a random number saying "I hid the body, now what?"

June 13, 2020

A herd of cows were on a large hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew the smaller cows away. The rancher asked one of the bulls that was still standing "How come you bulls are still standing?"

The bull replies, "Cuz we bulls wobble but don't fall down."

June 12, 2020

What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?

Tennish.

June 11, 2020

Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 

"Is it common?" I asked. "It's not unusual." he replied.

June 10, 2020

Science Teacher: When is the boiling point reached?

Student: When my mom sees my report card!

June 9, 2020

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The retail store!

June 8, 2020

I hate when I'm waiting on mom to cook dinner, then remember I am the mom and have to cook dinner!

June 7, 2020

I had to give up being a taxi driver.

I didn't like people talking behind my back.

June 6, 2020

Just wait 2 years - it will be 2020 too.

June 5, 2020

Need cheering up? Start an argument with somebody when they have the hiccups!

June 4, 2020

Quarantine Skills

June 3, 2020

I had a dog once. Named Minton. He kept eating all my shuttlecocks.

He was a bad Minton.

June 2, 2020

Research has shown laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog.

So, now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers!

June 1, 2020

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my Trail Mix.

May 31, 2020

Sometimes my wife laughs at how competitive I am.

But I just laugh back. More. And louder.

May 30, 2020

What Today Is

May 29, 2020

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?

"Curses! Foil again!"

May 28, 2020

If you can't find your dog, open the refrigerator door, he's standing right behind you!

May 27, 2020

I hope the children will never find out why I say "Oops ..." so often when I vacuum their rooms!

May 26, 2020

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory!

May 25, 2020

I met a taxidermist at a party and asked what he does for a living. He said, "Oh, you know ... stuff!"

May 24, 2020

Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

- Bill Murray

May 23, 2020

What did the 0 say to the 8?

"Nice belt."

May 22, 2020

A cop pulled me over and said "Papers", I said "Scissors, I win" and drove off!

May 21, 2020

When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?

May 20. 2020

Before I die, I'm going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.

That should make the cremation a little more interesting.

May 19, 2020

5 Funniest Things Said During A Colonoscopy:

  1. 1. Find Amelia Earhart yet?
  2. 2. Any sign of the trapped miners?
  3. 3. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!
  4. 4. Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity!
  5. 5. Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there!

May 18, 2020

It sounds like thunder outside but the way 2020 is going it could be Godzilla!

May 17, 2020

I've started investing in stocks - beef, chicken, and vegetable.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire!

May 16, 2020

A man died after drinking varnish. It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.

May 15, 2020

Impress Me

May 14, 2020

Mother: "Are you talking back to me?"

Son: "Well yeah, that's kinda how communication works!"

May 13, 2020

Next time a stranger talks to me when I am alone, I will just look at him shocked and whisper quietly "You can see me?"

May 12, 2020

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

May 11, 2020

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

- George Carlin

May 10, 2020

The 1960's was an era of big thoughts. And yet, amazingly, each of these thoughts could fit on a t-shirt!

- P. J. O'Rourke

May 9, 2020

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear!

May 8, 2020

I believe if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade ... and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party!

- Ron White

May 7, 2020

Older Than Google RS

May 6, 2020

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.

May 5, 2020

Did you know dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

May 4, 2020

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

May 3, 2020

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

  - George Carlin

May 2, 2020

Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed the opportunity to call them substitooths!

May 1, 2020

I had a hen who could count her own eggs.

She was a mathamachicken.

April 30, 2020

I quit my job at the helium gas factory.

I refused to be talked to in that tone of voice!

April 29, 2020

When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.

I almost died in Finding Nemo.

April 28, 2020

I don't have to ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts!

April 27, 2020

Stepped on the scale this morning and it said "Please use social distancing, one person at a time!"

April 26, 2020

Those most eager to be seen as well-adjusted can usually be counted on to do the most insane things!

- Gregg Eisenberg, Letting Go Is All We Have To Hold Onto

April 25, 2020

Joke of the Day

April 24, 2020

Wi-Fi went down during family dinner. One of the kids started talking and I didn't know who he was!

April 23, 2020

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

I think I've forgotten this before!

April 22, 2020

Bubble Wrap

April 21, 2020

So, if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a Milk Dud or an Udder Failure?

April 20, 2020

What do you call if when two rock guitars accidentally crash into each other?

A Fender bender.

April 19, 2020

***BOOM***

Mom: What was that?

Me: My shirt fell.

Mom: It sounded a lot heavier than that!

Me: I was in it ...

April 18, 2020

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.

Then it becomes a soap opera!

April 17, 2020

Most common lies ever told:

"I didn't do it."

"I'm fine."

"I have read and agree to the Terms and Conditions."

April 16, 2020

What do you call it when someone steals your morning coffee?

A mugging.

April 15, 2020

Self Isolation Daily Guide

April 14, 2020

Who is the smartest pig in the world?

Ein-swine

April 13, 2020

Where does the Terminator find toilet paper?

Aisle B ... back

April 12, 2020

Me: How's the diet going?

Friend: Not good. I had eggs for breakfast.

Me: Scrambled?

Friend: Cadbury's.

April 11, 2020

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There's no menu, you get what you deserve.

April 10, 2020

Questions For Today:

Can you cry under water?

If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why does a dog get mad when you blow in his face, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?

April 9, 2020

I do agree with Plato: To thine own self be true; but not necessarily about everything. And certainly not all at once.

- Gregg Eisenberg, Letting Go Is All We Have To Hold Onto

April 8, 2020

What did the judge say to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?

April 7, 2020

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

April 6, 2020

Just changed my Facebook name to "No one" so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say "No one likes this".

April 5, 2020

Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.

April 4, 2020

Numbers

April 3, 2020

If you see an Apple store get robbed, does that make you an iWitness?

April 2, 2020

Day 19 of isolation and it's like Vegas in my house. We're losing money by the minute, cocktails are acceptable at any hour, and nobody knows what time it is!

April 1, 2020

What did the yogi say to his dog?

Nama, stay!

March 31, 2020

Why did the computer squeak? 

Someone stepped on its mouse!

March 30, 2020

Why did the yogi refuse anesthesia when having his wisdom tooth removed?

He wanted to transcend-dental-medication!

March 29, 2020

Why can't you trust trees?

Because they are shady!

March 28, 2020

What do you call birds that stick together?

Velcrows!

March 27, 2020

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

March 26, 2020

How do you manage a pumpkin addiction?

Get a pumpkin patch.

March 25, 2020

My boss asked me to make a presentation and said I should start it with a joke. So I put my paystub on the first slide.

March 24, 2020

So much for hoarding ...

so much for hoarding rs

March 23, 2020

"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu."

March 22, 2020

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles ..

For days he kept leaving little messages around the house!

March 21, 2020

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

March 20, 2020

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats

March 19, 2020

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line.

March 18, 2020

Charmageddon rs

 

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