Joke Of The Day
Dec. 1, 2021
Sign posted outside a Volunteer Fire Department in December:
Remember to water your Christmas tree ... or we will come and water it for you.
Nov. 30, 2021
A mom and son come home from the grocery store. The boy immediately empties out a box of animal crackers and the mom asks him why. The boy says, "You should not eat if the seal is broken, so I'm looking for the seal."
Nov. 29, 2021
I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved!
Nov. 28, 2021
Little Johnny's new baby brother is screaming up a storm. He asks his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replies, "He came from Heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "Wow! I can see why they threw him out!"
Nov. 27, 2021
What did the pop star do when he locked himself out?
He sang until he found the right key!
Nov. 26, 2021
What would you call a Minecraft movie?
A Block-buster!
Nov. 25, 2021
I tried to post a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys ... but, it was removed because of fowl language!
Nov. 24, 2021
I shot my first turkey today! People ran out of the frozen food section in excitement and even the cops showed up to see!
Nov. 23, 2021
A little girl serves her father tea while her mother is out shopping. The mother comes home and the father says, "Watch this!" The little girl goes and serves the mother tea. The mother responds, "Did it ever occur to you the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Nov. 22, 2021
Nov. 21, 2021
If you feel down, like the world isn't listening, and you feel like crying, just remember there is someone out there struggling to pull a push to open door!
Nov. 20, 2021
My teacher pointed a ruler at me and said, "At the end of this ruler is an idiot."
I got detention for asking, "Which end?"
Nov. 19, 2021
My friend, David, had his ID stolen. Now he's just Dav.
Nov. 18, 2021
I want to open a two dollar store for people that enjoy the finer things!
Nov. 17, 2021
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks!
Nov. 16, 2021
I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
Nov. 15, 2021
The first guy to discover milk probably did a lot of other weird stuff.
Nov. 14, 2021
Parents don't really go on vacation. They just take care of their kids in a different city!
Nov. 13, 2021
You know you're an adult when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kicking it under the fridge!
Nov. 12, 2021
Why did the capacitor kiss the diode?
He just couldn't resistor!
Nov. 11, 2021
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree when it shouted, "Wait! I'm a talking tree."
The lumberjack grinned and said, "And you will dialogue!"
Nov. 10, 2021
Yesterday I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke!
Nov. 9, 2021
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
Nov. 8, 2021
The adult version of "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" is "Wallet, Glasses, Keys, and Phone"!
Nov. 7, 2021
I'm sure a woodpecker just called me paranoid in morse code!
Nov. 6, 2021
When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.
But when we grow up, the electric bill makes us afraid of the light!
Nov. 5, 2021
Reasons why the English language is hard to learn:
- The bandage was wound around the wound.
- The farm was used to produce produce.
- He could lead if he'd get the lead out.
- Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
- I did not object to the object.
Nov. 4, 2021
When bees move into a new hive, do they have a house swarming party?
Nov. 3, 2021
Nov. 2, 2021
It may look like I'm having deep thoughts but 99% of the time I'm thinking about what food I'm going to eat later!
Nov. 1, 2021
Brain at 3AM: I can see you are trying to sleep so I'd like to offer you a selection of every memory, unresolved issue, or things you should have said or done today as well as in the past 40 years.
Oct. 31, 2021
I accidentally went shopping on an empty stomach. Now I'm the proud owner of Aisle 5.
Oct. 30, 2021
For Halloween, I'm putting a vending machine outside of my house. Tough on the kids but, I've got rent to pay on the 1st of the month!
Oct. 29, 2021
What exercises do Zombies do?
Dead lifts!
Oct. 28, 2021
Where do ghosts go on vacation?
Mali-boo.
Oct. 27, 2021
How do ghosts open the doors to their haunted houses?
With a skeleton key!
Oct. 26, 2021
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid of flying off the handle!
Oct. 25, 2021
How do you write a book about Halloween?
With a ghostwriter!
Oct. 24, 2021
What genre are national anthems?
Country!
Oct. 23, 2021
Oct. 22, 2021
I fold a fitted sheet exactly how I'd fight off a boa constrictor!
Oct. 21, 2021
Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored and go for a stroll out through my mouth. This is never a good thing!
Oct. 20, 2021
Why did the police officer ticket the ghost on Halloween?
It didn't have a haunting license.
Oct. 19, 2021
Getting older is just one body part after another saying, "Ha Ha, you think that's bad? Watch this!"
Oct. 18, 2021
Why do ghosts like riding in elevators?
It raises their spirits!
Oct. 17, 2021
If a cookie falls to the floor and you pick it up, that's a squat - right?
Oct. 16, 2021
It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.
Oct. 15, 2021
When people say "You're going to regret that in the morning", I sleep until noon .. because I'm a problem solver!
Oct. 14, 2021
Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge.Others just gargle.
- Robert Anthony
Oct. 13, 2021
The first person to hear a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days!
Oct. 12, 2021
What plants like Halloween the most?
Bam-BOO!
Oct. 11, 2021
Accidentally used the dog's shampoo ... now I'm feeling like such a good girl.
Oct. 10, 2021
The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune but the Chick Peas can only hummus one!
Oct. 9, 2021
If you lose a sock in the dryer, it returns as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any containers!
Oct. 8, 2021
What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand-witch!
Oct. 7, 2021
Them: "What sign are you most compatible with?"
Me: "The Krispy Kreme Hot N Ready!"
Oct. 6, 2021
How do you make a baby ghost giggle? You play peek-a-boo!
Oct. 5, 2021
Being a little older, I'm very fortunate to have someone call and check on me every day. He's from another country and is very concerned about my car warranty.
Oct. 4, 2021
What would you get if you crossed a vampire with a teacher? Lots of blood tests!
Oct. 3, 2021
If you don't remember their name, take them to Starbucks!
Oct. 2, 2021
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.
Oct. 1, 2021
Sept. 30, 2021
If liar's pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun!
Sept. 29, 2021
I fired myself from cleaning the house. I didn't like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job!
Sept. 28, 2021
Everyone has a hidden talent they don't know about until the tequila is poured!
Sept. 27, 2021
I saw two endangered species this morning. A pay phone and someone who uses it!
Sept. 26, 2021
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who has been asked what's in their mouth!
Sept. 25, 2021
It takes real skill to choke on air, fall up stairs, and trip over completely nothing ... I have that skill!
Sept. 24, 2021
Me: "I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise."
Personal Trainer: "This was the tour of the gym."
Sept. 23, 2021
Two friends talking about how they want to be remembered:
First friend: I'd like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a difference in our children of tomorrow.
Second friend: I'd like to hear them say 'Look, he's moving!'
Sept. 22, 2021
Sept. 21, 2021
If you think you are smarter than the previous generation ... 50 years ago the owners manual of a car showed you how to adjust the valves. Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery.
Sept. 20, 2021
Why are there different types of blood groups?
So the mosquitos can enjoy different flavors!
Sept. 19, 2021
Some call it multi-tasking. I call it doing something else while I try to remember what I was doing in the first place!
Sept. 18, 2021
So, a burglar broke into the house ... I put the red dot on his chest and the cat did the rest!
Sept. 17, 2021
People who ask me what I'm doing tomorrow probably assume that I even know what day of the week it is!
Sept. 16, 2021
Shoutout to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number but can't remember the password they created yesterday. You are my people!
Sept. 15, 2021
It's weird being the same age as old people.
Sept. 14, 2021
I swear the me that orders groceries and the me that actually has to cook the meals are two entirely different people!
Sept. 13, 2021
I miss being able to slam my phone down when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me!
Sept. 12, 2021
I just ordered a life alert bracelet so if I get a life, I'll be notified immediately!
Sept. 11, 2021
Now that I've lived during a plague, I understand why most Renaissance paintings are of chubby women laying around without a bra.
Sept. 10, 2021
It helps if you imagine auto correct as a tiny little elf in your phone who's trying so hard to be helpful but is in fact quite drunk.
Sept. 9, 2021
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
Sept. 8, 2021
The phrase "hindsight is 2020" may forever have new meaning.
Sept. 7, 2021
If I waited until I had all my ducks in a row, I'd never get across the street. Sometimes you just have to gather up what you've got and make a run for it!
Sept. 6, 2021
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog and a rose?
A Collie-flower!
Sept. 5, 2021
I listen to the radio with such frequency that my ear Hertz!
Sept. 4, 2021
Two funeral homes invented a marijuana coffin. It was a joint undertaking.
Sept. 3, 2021
Relationships are a lot like algebra ... have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Sept. 2, 2021
The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister of Sweden ... he should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend!
Sept. 1, 2021
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves!
Aug. 31, 2021
Long fairy tales have a tendancy to dragon.
Aug. 30, 2021
If I illegally download a movie in the Bahamas, does that make me a Pirate of the Caribbean?
Aug. 29, 2021
Aug. 28, 2021
It's ok to borrow from the public library once in a while, but try not to overdue it!
Aug. 27, 2021
People are always saying to keep my nose to the grindstone.
But, I'm afraid it will cause me to lose face!
Aug. 26, 2021
There's a sign hanging in the window of a dry cleaners. It reads "So And So Dry Cleaners. Working on the same spot for 72 years."
Aug. 25, 2021
Gandhi was a pacifist, but during a bread shortage he got so hungry he advocated naan-violence.
Aug. 24, 2021
College is really kidnapping done backwards ... if you don't give us a ridiculously large amount of money, we'll send you your child back!
Aug. 23, 2021
A pistachio is nut thing to be proud of.
Aug. 22, 2021
I started a new workout routine this week, doing crunches twice a day ...
I do Cap'n in the morning and Nestle's in the afternoon!
Aug. 21, 2021
"It's no use. Art doesn't listen to me," said a little boy praying for a new bike. "Art who?" asked the boy's mother. "Art in heaven," came the reply.
Aug. 20, 2021
Photographer: "And, will you want those pictures in color or black and white?"
Zebra: "Jerk!"
Aug. 19, 2021
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a giant white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot!
Aug. 18, 2021
Why did the EMTs travel in sets of two?
They wanted to be pair-a-medics!
Aug. 17, 2021
I went to a really emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers!
Aug. 16, 2021
Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?
Aug. 15, 2021
Where do cows like to go?
To the mooooseum!
Aug. 14, 2021
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
Aug. 13, 2021
Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?Aug. 12, 2021
What sound does an airplane make when it bounces off the ground?
Boeing ...
Aug. 11, 2021
Why should you never trust a pig with a secret?
Because it's bound to squeal!
Aug. 10, 2021
What if the spider in my bedroom lived his whole life thinking I was his roommate and died wondering what brought on this psychotic break?
Aug. 9, 2021
A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. He takes a sip, spits it out, and says, "Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns, and says, "But sir, it's fresh ground."
Aug. 8, 2021
Never look at your beer as half empty. Look at is as halfway to your next beer!
Aug. 7, 2021
I ate too much cookie dough and got sick. It was an overdoughse.
Aug. 6, 2021
Why did the baseball player bring his gear on the sailboat?
He was told he might have to batten down the hatches!
Aug. 5, 2021
I woke up this morning and saw a bird of prey in my backyard eating avocado toast and yelling "OK, boomer!"
It was a millennial falcon!
Aug. 4, 2021
How do you rejuvenate an old boat?
Boat-tox!
Aug. 3, 2021
I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices.
It was a catcher in the rye!
Aug. 2, 2021
I was folding my pants, fresh out of the dryer, and found a dollar in a pocket.
Geez, how long have I been laundering money?
Aug. 1, 2021
What do you call a boat with AI?
A Row-bot!
July 31, 2021
What kind of snakes are found on cars?
Windshield vipers!
July 30, 2021
What does BOAT stand for?
Break Out Another Thousand!
July 29, 2021
Technology is amazing ... if I touch my phone in the right places, someone comes and brings me a pizza!
July 28, 2021
My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's Day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower.
"Gold Medal All Purpose" apparently wasn't the answer!
July 27, 2021
The animal hairstylist at the zoo has become a mane attraction!
July 26, 2021
What do you call the medical condition where your feet go to sleep?
Coma-toes!
July 25, 2021
What is a shoe repairman's favorite dessert?
Cobbler!
July 24, 2021
I'm surprised I'm not musically inclined. As a child, my attitude was so bad I often got my bell rung and was told to sing a new tune!
July 23, 2021
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward!
July 22, 2021
If you're waiting to be served in a restaurant, shouldn't you be called the waiter?
July 21, 2021
You know how you pull the smartphone out of your pocket to check the time?
We're really going back to the era of the pocket watch!
July 20, 2021
My head is slowly 3D printing my hair!
July 19, 2021
You know how you pull the smartphone out of your pocket to check the time?
We're really going back to the era of the pocket watch!
July 18, 2021
If we shouldn't eat late at night, why do they put a light in the refrigerator?
July 17, 2021
Hills aren't fun ... they're hill areas!
July 16, 2021
What did the flower say after telling a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
July 15, 2021
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
July 14, 2021
My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They're his watch dogs.
July 13, 2021
Where do snowmen go in a medical emergency?
The ICY-U
July 12, 2021
Did you hear about the robbers who fell into the sea?
They started a crime wave.
July 11, 2021
What does the flower say when it wants you to leave it alone?
Begonia!
July 10, 2021
What happened to the first 6 ups?
July 9, 2021
July 8, 2021
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away its tiny brooms!
July 7, 2021
Why did the gymnist put extra salt on her food?
So she could do summer salts.
July 6, 2021
Never trust people who sketch facial composites for police reports.
They're con artists!
July 5, 2021
Why don't mummies go on summer vacation?
They're afraid to relax and unwind!
July 4, 2021
I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
July 3, 2021
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
July 2, 2021
What's the opposite of croissant?
A happy uncle!
July 1, 2021
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can't part with it.
June 30, 2021
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all of her bills?
Bernadette.
June 29, 2021
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain.
June 28, 2021
How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
June 27, 2021
Hakuna Mavodka: It means no memories for the rest of your night!
June 26, 2021
Boob's law: You always find something in the last place you look.
June 25, 2021
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
June 24, 2021
If I die and come back as a hillbilly, is that called reintarnation?
June 23, 2021
The Law of Avoiding Oversell:
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
June 22, 2021
An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just said, "In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a floatation device", when a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"
June 21, 2021
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
June 20, 2021
Why didn't the surgeon like the movie?
It was the uncut version.
June 19, 2021
Why are green beans the most Zen of all vegetables?
Because they've found their inner peas!
June 18, 2021
June 17, 2021
What do you call a goat that's lazy?
Billy Idle.
June 16, 2021
I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman". Instead it turns out it says "Senior Discount, Please!"
June 15, 2021
A few of us were discussing the perils of drinking and driving when my 5-year old granddaughter threw in her two cents. "I can see why it would be dangerous to drink and drive, the straw could go up your nose."
June 14, 2021
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
June 13, 2021
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
June 12, 2021
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking!
June 11, 2021
What do you call malware on a Kindle?
A bookworm!
June 10, 2021
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.
Clooney says, "I'll direct."
DiCaprio says, "I'll act."
McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
June 9, 2021
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky.
June 8, 2021
If you wear cowboy clothes ... are you ranch dressing?
June 7, 2021
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?
Sneakers!
June 6, 2021
True Story: During residency, I got paged at 3AM to the SICU. I called them, a bit curious as to what was going on, as 3AM calls to the neurologist rarely come from the SICU.
When I introduced myself as the on-call neurologist, the very southern-sounding nurse loudly exclaimed:
"Neurology? I wanted Urology. I got the wrong end!"
June 5, 2021
Why are elderly people called 'old people', but children are never called 'new people'?
June 4, 2021
Why is it that people duck in the rain?
Do they really think the rain won't hit them?
June 3, 2021
What kind of dog doesn't bark?
A hush puppy!
June 2, 2021
I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions.
Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy?
Me: Yes.
Nurse: When?
Me: 2011.
Nurse: Do you think you could be pregnant?
Me: Do you think this is the right career for you?
June 1, 2021
I like to tell dad jokes, but I don't have kids.
I'm a faux pa.
May 31, 2021
Apple announced a new product for wives that helps cope with spontaneous dad jokes.
The iRoll.
May 30, 2021
Jerry is in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm ok, but I didn't like the four letter word the doctor used in surgery."
"What did he say?", asks the nurse.
"OOPS!"
May 29, 2021
I felt super exhausted after giving blood.
It's such a draining procedure.
May 28, 2021
The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. They can't ask the patients what is the matter - they've got to just know.
- Will Rogers
May 27, 2021
Why don't you iron four leaf clovers?
Because you don't want to press your luck!
May 26, 2021
I've decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, others will be able to say I left a Mark on this world.
May 25, 2021
Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted!
May 24, 2021
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the policeman said, "when you get four of them you get a bicycle."
May 23, 2021
Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
May 22, 2021
My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an Ewok.
Wookie mistake!
May 21, 2021
Yesterday, I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object where the sun doesn't shine, and film the whole thing.
Or, as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy.
May 20, 2021
I don't understand how I can remember every word of a song from 1964, but I can't remember why I walked in the kitchen!
May 19, 2021
Who swore the most in Star Wars?
R2-D2, they beeped out every word he said!
May 18, 2021
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there staring at carpeting?
May 17, 2021
To save money, I suggested to one of my grown sons that we all live together in one house.
I could tell he didn't think it would be cost-effective when he asked, "Who's going to pay the therapist?"
May 16, 2021
What do you call a fake Irish diamond?
A sham-rock!
May 15, 2021
I told my mom that "WTF" means "Wow, That's Fantastic."
Her texts are so much more fun now.
May 14, 2021
I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.
I turned off the WiFi router and just waited in the room where it's located!
May 13, 2021
I bought a new iPod the other day and I've called it "The Titanic".
Now when I plug it into my laptop it says, "The Titanic is syncing."
May 12, 2021
Hootin' is a gateway drug to hollerin'.
May 11, 2021
You know how the credits at the end of movies always say something like "No animals were injured in the making of this film"? Well, what if they were?
Do they list it in the credits?
"Brian hurt one monkey, he's very sorry."
May 10, 2021
Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank?
Because they'll just wash up on shore later.
May 9, 2021
I can't see an end.
I have no control and I don't think there's an escape - I don't even have a home anymore.
Definitely time for a new keyboard!
May 8, 2021
I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging squirrels by height.
They didn't like my critter sizing!
May 7, 2021
What's it called when you kill chickpeas?
Hummuside!
May 6, 2021
What does a condiment wizard perform?
Saucery!
May 5, 2021
Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.
I give her a shoulder to crayon!
May 4, 2021
My friend Tony said not to say his name backwards.
I said y not?
May 3, 2021
My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me.
I had some pretty big shoes to fill!
May 2, 2021
What does James Bond's doorbell sound like?
Dong, Ding Dong
May 1, 2021
What do you call a baby polar bear?
An ice cub!
April 30, 2021
I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.
She rang my room and said, "What the hell are you doing with your life?"
April 29, 2021
I stayed in a hotel last week where the towels were so thick ...
I could barely close my suitcase.
April 28, 2021
If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it."
That way people think you are bilingual instead of an idiot!
April 27, 2021
What do you call a dead pine tree?
A nevergreen!
April 26, 2021
What do you call someone who draws funny pictures of automobiles?
A car-toonist!
April 25, 2021
Never have more children than you have car windows!
- Erma Bombeck
April 24, 2021
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!
- George Carlin
April 23, 2021
April 22, 2021
What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A URL-ologist!
April 21, 2021
What do you call two octopuses that look exactly the same?
Itenticle!
April 20, 2021
I have a chicken lawn ... it's impeckable!
April 19, 2021
Cinderella is proof a new pair of shoes can change your life!
April 18, 2021
I have no idea why the doctor told me to get in shape. Isn't round a shape?
April 17, 2021
What do you call an aardvark that is three feet long?
A yardvark!
April 16, 2021
What does a pirate say when he puts his peg leg in a freezer?
Shiver me timbers!
April 15, 2021
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
April 14, 2021
I watch so much Netflix that instead of suggesting more shows for me to watch, it started suggesting I go outside!
April 13, 2021
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish 'n Ships!
April 12, 2021
How do hypnotists get from one place to another?
By public trance-port!
April 11, 2021
When I'm sad, I sing. Then I realize my voice is worse than my problems!
April 10, 2021
Kid: Mom, can I have $20?
Mom: What do you think, I am made of money?
Kid: Isn't that what mom stands for?
April 9, 2021
Did you know Spiderman has a jacket made entirely of Mediterranean flat bread?
It's a Pita Parka!
April 8, 2021
What do you call a doctor who specializes in Adam's apples?
A guyneckologist!
April 7, 2021
I've trained my dog to fetch me a bottle of wine.
He's a Bordeaux Collie!
April 6, 2021
What did the tree say to the spring flowers?
It's a re-leaf to see you!
April 5, 2021
I threw a ball for my dog ... a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket!
April 4, 2021
Why do some dogs have trouble walking?
Arf-ritis.
April 3, 2021
"Why are you studying your Easter candy?"
"I'm trying to decide which came first - the chocolate chicken or the chocolate egg!"
April 2, 2021
You know you're getting old when you lean over to pick something up off the floor, and ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there!
April 1, 2021
Since the COVID outbreak, my 47 year-old son has been washing his hands religiously. In fact he said, "I've been washing my hands so much, I found the answers to an old eighth grade math quiz!"
March 31, 2021
March 30, 2021
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
"Supplies!"
March 29, 2021
Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory?
He kept throwing away the bent ones!
March 28, 2021
What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction!
March 27, 2021
What do you call a doll on fire?
A Barbie-Q!
March 26, 2021
How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put lox on it!
March 25, 2021
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
March 24, 2021
My 5 yr. old: This potato salad makes me sad.
Me: Why?
Child: All these potatoes could have been fries!
March 23, 2021
I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She told me newspapers are old school, that people use tablets now, and handed me her iPod. The fly didn't stand a chance.
March 22, 2021
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
March 21, 2021
Electricity is really just organized lightning!
- George Carlin
March 20, 2021
There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language. We call him the Village Idiom!"
March 19, 2021
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the post office? Are we supposed to write them? Why not put their pictures on postage stamps so the mail carriers can look for them while they deliver the mail?
March 18, 2021
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice when you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS"?
March 17, 2021
What did the leprechaun put in the vending machine?
A lepre-coin!
March 16, 2021
Me: What's the Wi-Fi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Ok, I'll have a Coke.
Bartender: Three dollars.
Me: There you go. So, what's the Wi-Fi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
March 15, 2021
How does a rancher keep track of his cattle?
With a cow-culator!
March 14, 2021
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark Hives!
March 13, 2021
What do you call a detective electrician?
Sherlock Ohms!
March 12, 2021
What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly?
Stationary!
March 11, 2021
The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron ...
which is ironic!
March 10, 2021
I had the rudest, slowest, and nastiest cashier today ...
That's the last time I use the self checkout lane!
March 9, 2021
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
March 8, 2021
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
March 7, 2021
When you choke a Smurf, what color do they turn?
March 6, 2021
When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
March 5, 2021
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
March 4, 2021
Why do people say 'tuna fish'? They don't say 'beef mammal' or 'chicken bird' ...
March 3, 2021
Hired a handyman and gave him a list.
When I got home, only items #1, #3, and #5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs!
March 2, 2021
Teacher: What is a synonym?
Student: A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other!
March 1, 2021
Smoking will kill you ... bacon will kill you ... but smoking bacon will cure it!
Feb. 28, 2021
I read the mass chicken farms pump chickens full of antibiotics.
That would explain why chicken soup is so good when you are sick!
Feb. 27, 2021
I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year.
Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage!
Feb. 26, 2021
Two cats are sitting in front of a bird's cage and see a newly arrived green canary.
One says to the other, "It's really a strange color, maybe he's not ripe yet!"
Feb. 25, 2021
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don't go around brrfooted!
Feb. 24, 2021
What do you call a cat who gets her way no matter what?
Purrsuasive!
Feb. 23, 2021
I just found out why dogs drink out of the toilet.
My mother says it's because the water is a lot colder in there.
I'm like ... how does my mother know that?
Feb. 22, 2021
What market shouldn't you take your dog to?
The flea market!
Feb. 21, 2021
Fantastic new exercise to really help lose weight:
Turn your head to the left ... good!
Turn your head to the right ... very good!
Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food!
Feb. 20, 2021
What do you call a wolf who picks up litter after campers and is worried about pollution?
Aware wolf.
Feb. 19, 2021
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman!
Feb. 18, 2021
Feb. 17, 2021
If the sun shines while it's snowing, what do you look for?
Snowbows!
Feb. 16, 2021
Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii ... or just a-low-ha?
Feb. 15, 2021
It was a serious and solemn affair when the man who invented the Hokey Pokey died - until it was time to place him in the coffin.
They put his right foot in ...
It all went downhill from there.
Feb. 14, 2021
A patient sobs to his doctor, "I feel like a pair of curtains."
Doctor: "Well, pull yourself together man!"
Feb. 13, 2021
I threw a boomerang a few years ago.
I now live in constant fear!
Feb. 12, 2021
Is it possible to cross an eel and an eagle?
Absolutely not. That would be eeleagle!
Feb. 11, 2021
What do you call a factory that sells good products?
A satis-factory!
Feb. 10, 2021
A new hair salon opened across the street from an established hair salon. They put up a bold sign "We give $7 hair cuts!"
Not to be outdone, the established salon put up a sign, "We fix $7 hair cuts!"
Feb. 9, 2021
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop you're sure you've been to before?
Deja brew!
Feb. 8, 2021
Why is grass so dangerous?
It's full of blades!
Feb. 7, 2021
It's not appropriate to make a dad joke if you're not a dad.
It's a faux pa.
Feb. 6, 2021
I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry ... he had selfie steam issues!
Feb. 5, 2021
You can train a cat to do anything the cat wants to do at the moment it wants to do it.
Feb. 4, 2021
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop you're sure you've been to before?
Deja brew!
Feb. 3, 2021
What's the technical name for a pot of coffee at work?
Break fluid!
Feb. 2, 2021
A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him!
Feb. 1. 2021
I gave up on my career as a plumber. It was too draining!
Jan. 31, 2021
Autocorrect makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.
Jan. 30, 2021
What's a cat's favorite color?
Purr-ple!
Jan. 29, 2021
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
Jan. 28, 2021
Jan. 27, 2021
A flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
Jan. 26, 2021
I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding, saying "Oooohhhh I love how smooth it is!"
Jan. 25, 2021
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed>
Jan. 24, 2021
"I found a wallet packed with money down by the church."
"Did you turn it in?"
"Not yet. I'm still trying to decide if it's a temptation from the devil or the answer to a prayer."
Jan. 23, 2021
Two pet owners get together for a public discussion on the internet. They call it their Pawed Cast!
Jan. 22, 2021
A hangover is the wrath of grapes!
Jan. 21, 2021
What sort of tv programming do ducks like?
Duckumentaries!
Jan. 20, 2021
He had a photographic memory that was never developed!
Jan. 19, 2021
250 lbs. here on earth is 94.5 lbs. on Mercury.
I'm not fat, I'm just on the wrong planet!
Jan. 18, 2021
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, do they automatically lose because they can't find themaelves?
Jan. 17, 2021
Every time a bird poops on my car, I sit on my patio eating scrambled eggs to show them who's the boss!
Jan. 16, 2021
How many ears does Spock have?
Three: The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear!
Jan. 15, 2021
What happens when you talk to a cow?
It goes in one ear and out the udder!
Jan. 14, 2021
The urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is never more than a whim away!
Jan. 13, 2021
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
Jan. 12, 2021
My lips don't touch when I say the word 'touch', but my lips touch when I say 'separate'!
Jan. 11, 2021
Acupuncture is a jab well done!
Jan. 10, 2021
Why does a moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor!
Jan. 9, 2021
You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace!
Jan. 8, 2021
How is a baseball team similar to a pancake?
They both need a good batter!
Jan. 7, 2021
You know how you pull your smartphone out of your pocket to check the time?
We're really going back to the era of pocket watches!
Jan. 6, 2021
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field."
She asked, "What does that have to do with anything?"
I said, "That means it's pasture bed time!"
Jan. 5, 2021
What do you call a snowman temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
Jan. 4, 2021
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Jan. 3, 2021
How do you scare a snowman?
Get a hair dryer!
Jan. 2, 2021
I used to be a fortune teller but I kept predicting snowstorms.
It turns out I wasn't using a crystal ball, it was a snowglobe!
Jan. 1, 2021
My friend, Joe, recently went on the Dolly Parton diet ...
it made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
Dec. 31, 2020
What is a New Year's resolution?
Something that goes in one year and out the other!
Dec. 30, 2020
Where do snowmen keep their money?
In snow banks!
Dec. 29, 2020
"I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives."
- Billy Connolly
Dec. 28, 2020
What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?
Dec. 27, 2020
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Dec. 26, 2020
What did the gingerbread man get when he broke his leg?
A candy cane!
Dec. 25, 2020
Dec. 24, 2020
Why doesn't Santa let the elves work on his computer?
Because they delete all his Christmas cookies!
Dec, 23, 2020
What kind of photos do elves take?
Elfies!
Dec. 22, 2020
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
Rude-olph!
Dec. 21, 2020
Who is a Christmas! tree's favorite singer?
Spruce Springsteen
Dec. 20, 2020
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!
Dec. 19, 2020
Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!
Dec. 18, 2020
What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
Dec. 17, 2020
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.
I came into my house, told my dog - we laughed a lot!
Dec. 16, 2020
What do elves learn in school?
The elfabet!
Dec. 15, 2020
Dec. 14, 2020
What do you call a detective electrician?
Sherlock Ohms!
Dec. 13, 2020
I wasn't going home to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.
So, I'm going home for the hollandaise!
Dec. 12, 2020
Teacher: Don, what is the chemical formula for water?
Don: H I J K L M N O
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Don: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
Dec. 11, 2020
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break?
Go gnome for the holidays!
Dec. 10, 2020
Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said I wasn't sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody'.
Dec. 9, 2020
I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love but I also have a cat to remind me I don't deserve it ... it's all about balance!
Dec. 8, 2020
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store?
He was looking for the holiday spirit!
Dec. 7, 2020
Apple has introduced a new product for wives to help cope with spontaneous dad jokes throughout their day.
The iRoll.
Dec. 6, 2020
What do snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren!
Dec. 5, 2020
The cool part about naming your kid is you don't have to add six numbers to make sure the name is available.
- Bill Murray
Dec. 4, 2020
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet!
Dec. 3, 2020
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal ... Elon-gate would be really drawn out!
Dec. 2, 2020
My friend said "You have a BA, a Masters, and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot ..."
It was a third degree burn!
Dec. 1, 2020
What do you call a snowman temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
Nov. 30, 2020
How do mountains stay warm?
Snow caps!
Nov. 29, 2020
Nov. 28, 2020
Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
Coincidence?
I think not!
Nov. 27, 2020
Why did grandma put wheels on her rocking chair?
She wanted to rock and roll!
Nov. 26, 2020
I'm giving up drinking until Christmas!
Sorry, bad punctuation ...
I'm giving up, drinking until Christmas!
Nov. 25, 2020
What do you call a handyman's skill set?
His repair-toire!
Nov. 24, 2020
What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts!
Nov. 23, 2020
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07.
Nov. 22, 2020
What do you call a calculator that works instantly?
A calcunow!
Nov. 21, 2020
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely!
Nov. 20, 2020
Definition of Perfectionist: Someone who wants to go from point A to point A+!
Nov. 19, 2020
What do you call malware on a Kindle?
A bookworm!
Nov. 18, 2020
My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday.
So, the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were okay!
Nov. 17, 2020
What's it called when you kill chickpeas?
Hummuside!
Nov. 16, 2020
Real Life Airline Announcements:
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go zipping
through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Nov. 15, 2020
My friends and I exhumed a tibia.
It was quite the shin dig!
Nov. 14, 2020
I was so irritated with my neighbor today, he kept playing Lional Richie songs at full blast. Normally I wouldn't mind. But it was All Night Long!
Nov. 13, 2020
Why did Chewbacca crash the Millennium Falcon the first time he flew it?
It was a Wookie mistake!
Nov. 12, 2020
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads!
Nov. 11, 2020
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor!
Nov. 10, 2020
I used to think the brain was the most important organ.
Then I thought, look what's telling me that!
Nov. 9, 2020
Nov. 8, 2020
I just got hit by a rented car.
It Hertz!
Nov. 7, 2020
I love being a maze designer. I get totally lost in my work!
Nov. 6, 2020
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?
A barberque!
Nov. 5, 2020
I changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins!
Nov. 4, 2020
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He's my spirit guide!
Nov. 3, 2020
Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing today is Tuesday!
Nov. 2, 2020
My boss said, "I find it highly suspicious you are only sick on weekdays."
I said, "It must be my weekend immune system."
Nov. 1, 2020
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for his lousy summer!
Oct. 31, 2020
What do you call a chicken that haunts your house?
A poultrygeist!
Oct. 30, 2020
I know Albert Einstein was a genius ... but I think his brother, Frank, was a monster!
Oct. 29, 2020
What do you call two witches sharing an apartment?
Broommates!
Oct. 28, 2020
What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo!
Oct. 27, 2020
How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts!
Oct. 26, 2020
What do you call a cold ghost?
Casp-burr!
Oct. 25, 2020
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
Oct. 24, 2020
How do leaves get from place to place?
With autumn-mobiles!
Oct. 23, 2020
What do you call a ghost's true love?
His ghoul-friend!
Oct. 22, 2020
Adam's girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of his motorcycle. He just rode on. Ruthless.
Oct. 21, 2020
What is the cutest season?
Awwtumn!
Oct. 20, 2020
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Oct. 19, 2020
If mud baths are so good for the skin, why are rhinos so wrinkly?
Oct. 18, 2020
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent!"
Oct. 17, 2020
Why don't enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Oct. 16, 2020
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch!
Oct. 15, 2020
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke!
Oct. 14, 2020
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date!
Oct. 13, 2020
Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.
Apparently he's been using performance enhancing rugs.
Oct. 12, 2020
Got tasered picking up my friend at the airport today.
Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout "Hi, Jack."
Oct. 11, 2020
Spider: Why are you terrified of me?
Me: Well, the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk!
Oct. 10, 2020
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange!
Oct. 9, 2020
My life is like an internet browser, 17 tabs are open, 4 of them are frozen, and I don't know where the music is coming from!
Oct. 8, 2020
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who has been asked what's in their mouth!
Oct. 7, 2020
Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not!
Oct. 6, 2020
If a word in the dictionary was misspelled, how would we know?
Oct. 5, 2020
When single women get to the age of 50, they tend to adopt lots of cats.
This phenomenon is called many paws!
Oct. 4, 2020
Why did the taxi driver get fired for working so hard?
Passengers didn't like it when they went the extra mile!
Oct. 3, 2020
I hope when I inevitably choke on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that!
Oct. 2, 2020
The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
Oct. 1, 2020
Sometimes my internet is so slow it's faster to drive to the Google office and ask them stuff in person!
Sept. 30, 2020
Sept. 29, 2020
Where do horses go shopping?
Old-neighvy!
Sept. 28, 2020
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started!
Sept. 27, 2020
I sold my vacuum. All it was doing was collecting dust!
Sept. 26, 2020
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Sept. 25, 2020
6-year old Ned's mom was looking through an old family Bible when an oak leaf fell out.
Ned said "I guess that must be Adam's shorts."
Sept. 24, 2020
The young daughter of a tire salesman saw triplets for the first time.
Upon returning home she cried out, "Oh mother, guess what I saw today."
"I can't imagine, what?"
"A lady had twins, and a spare!"
Sept. 23, 2020
Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening", then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Sept. 22, 2020
If Bill Gates had a penny for each time I had to reboot my computer ... oh wait, he does!
Sept. 21, 2020
If lawyers are disbarred and clegymen are defrocked ...
Doesn't it then follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Sept. 20, 2020
One way to find out if you're old is to fall in front of a group of people ...
If they laugh, you're young!
If they panic and start running toward you, you're old!
Sept. 19, 2020
What do you call the boss at Old McDonald's Farm?
The CIEIO!
Sept. 18, 2020
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed space!
Sept. 17, 2020
Don't let go of your dreams - hit snooze!
Sept. 16, 2020
What did Einstein eat as a baby?
Formula!
Sept. 15, 2020
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Sept. 14, 2020
Trail mix?? You mean M&M's with obstacles?
Sept. 13, 2020
I's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering!
Sept. 12, 2020
What do cars do at the disco?
Brake dance!
Sept. 11, 2020
Once I debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth just to prove me wrong. He'll come around eventually!
Sept. 10, 2020
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?
Fill it with spring water!
Sept. 9, 2020
Instead of 'the John', I call my toilet 'the Jim'. That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning!
Sept. 8, 2020
What do you call having your grandmother on speed dial?
Instagram!
Sept. 7, 2020
Sept. 6, 2020
How come we never see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Sept. 5, 2020
What's it called when you borrow money to buy a bison?
A buffaloan!
Sept. 4, 2020
What does Jeff Bezos do before bed?
He puts his pajamazon!
Sept. 3, 2020
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock!
Sept. 2, 2020
What is the sole purpose of a middle name?
So a child can tell when they're really in trouble!
Sept. 1, 2020
I remember years ago when I wanted to be older. I was wrong.
Aug. 30, 2020
A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken looked at him and said ... "Don't do it pal ... you'll never hear the end of it!"
Aug. 29, 2020
Where do pirates like to eat?
Aaarby's!
Aug. 28, 2020
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion!
Aug. 27, 2020
Practice safe eating - always use condiments!
Aug. 26, 2020
Why is a computer so smart?
It listens to its motherboard!
Aug. 25, 2020
The other day I got carded at the liquor store. While I was taking out my ID, my old Blockbuster card fell out. Thd clerk shook his head, said "Never mind", and rang me up!
Aug. 24, 2020
Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!
Aug. 23, 2020
What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
R2Detour
Aug. 22, 2020
How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience!
Aug. 21, 2020
What do you call a pounding headache?
A temple tantrum!
Aug. 20, 2020
Go to the pet store, buy some birdseed then ask the clerk how long it will take for birds to grow!
Aug. 19, 2020
Good mothers let you lick the beaters.
Great mothers turn them off first!
Aug. 18, 2020
Who keeps the ocean clean?
The mermaid!
Aug. 17, 2020
I've started a business making boats in my attic ... Sails are going through the roof!
Aug. 16, 2020
What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?
A bagel.
Aug. 15, 2020
Aug. 14, 2020
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding!
Aug. 13, 2020
What do you call a pirate that skips class?
Captain Hooky!
Aug. 12, 2020
What did one tornado say to the other?
Let's twist again like we did last summer!
Aug. 11, 2020
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she's doing!
Aug.10, 2020
I'm planning a clairvoyants meeting. I assume you know when, where, and what time!
Aug. 9, 2020
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics!
Aug. 8, 2020
What did the cannibal eat when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder!
Aug. 7, 2020
Parenthood is the scariest hood to go through!
Aug. 6, 2020
If you give an alligator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?
Aug. 5, 2020
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do!
Aug. 4, 2020
What ride do ghosts like best at a theme park?
The roller ghoster!
Aug. 3, 2020
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one, I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always
locking three!
- Elayne Boosler
Aug. 2, 2020
If we shouldn't eat at night, why do they put a light in the refrigerator?
Aug. 1, 2020
What kind of car does Yoda drive?
A Toyoda!
July 31, 2020
What sort of money do you need to start your own landscaping business?
A hedge fund!
July 30, 2020
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
July 29, 2020
I wish my life had background music so I could understand what the heck is going on!
July 28, 2020
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
July 27, 2020
You know you're a mom when you understand why Mama Bear's porridge was too cold.
July 26, 2020
As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused."
Then, I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail!
July 25, 2020
I really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flies.
I just didn't realize it would Zoom!
July 24, 2020
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can't believe I lost the Rock's Paper Scissors!
July 23, 2020
Dogs have beloved masters. Cats have wait staff.
July 22, 2020
A banker fell overboard from a friend's boat. Not knowing if he could swim, he grabbed a life preserver, held it up and shouted "Can you float alone?"
"Obviously", the banker said, "But this is a heck of a time to talk business!"
July 21, 2020
July 20, 2020
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and there's a chance things could be really bad.
It'll be 5050!
July 19, 2020
Why do you put two cents in when it's only a penny for your thoughts?
July 18, 2020
How do you take a sick pig to the hospital?
A hambulance!
July 17, 2020
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread!
July 16, 2020
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.
July 15, 2020
Last night I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach. At least that explains the footprints in the cat litter this morning.
July 14, 2020
What do you call someone who is really into stationary biking?
A cyclepath!
July 13, 2020
Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?
July 12, 2020
I put much more effort into naming my first WiFi than my first child!
July 11, 2020
I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
It's called feefiphobia!
July 10, 2020
Respect your parents, they passed high school withut Google!
July 9, 2020
How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but you should have seen the bulb - it was THIS big!
July 8, 2020
What kind of car does a Viking drive?
A fjord!
July 7, 2020
You call them swear words, I call them sentence enhancers!
July 6, 2020
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint, lower my voice, and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
July 5, 2020
What kind of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
July 4, 2020
Isn't it funny the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom ...
until they are flashing behind your car!
July 3, 2020
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!
July 2, 2020
I'm aware the voices in my head aren't real.
But, their ideas are just awesome sometimes!
July 1, 2020
What kind of socks do you need to plant flowers?
Garden hose.
June 30, 2020
Wouldn't it be nice if the car navigation voice would get more and more excited as you get closer to your destination?
June 29, 2020
If you think you are too small to make a difference - try sleeping with a mosquito!
June 28, 2020
How does a dog stop a video?
It hits the paws button!
June 27. 2020
What do you get when you put a candle in a suit of armor?
A knight light!
June 26, 2020
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming!
June 25, 2020
What do you get when you cross a pig with a dinosaur?
Jurassic Pork!
June 24, 2020
"I wasn't THAT drunk last night."
"Oh man, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to quit crying."
June 23, 2020
Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?
He couldn't find the Droid he was looking for!
June 22, 2020
What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer day?
I'm bacon!
June 21, 2020
Why can't cats work on the computer?
They get too distracted chasing the mouse!
June 20, 2020
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- George Carlin
June 19, 2020
Are people born with photographic memories or does it take time to develop?
June 18, 2020
What do you say when you are comforting a grammar teacher?
There, Their, They're.
June 17, 2020
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
- Steve Martin
June 16, 2020
I am borrowing from the future, to pay for the past, but I'm staying present in the process.
- Gregg Eisenberg, Letting Go Is All We Have To Hold Onto
June 15, 2020
What kind of horses go out after dark?
Nightmares.
June 14, 2020
When I'm bored, I text a random number saying "I hid the body, now what?"
June 13, 2020
A herd of cows were on a large hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew the smaller cows away. The rancher asked one of the bulls that was still standing "How come you bulls are still standing?"
The bull replies, "Cuz we bulls wobble but don't fall down."
June 12, 2020
What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?
Tennish.
June 11, 2020
Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?" I asked. "It's not unusual." he replied.
June 10, 2020
Science Teacher: When is the boiling point reached?
Student: When my mom sees my report card!
June 9, 2020
Where do animals go when their tails fall off?
The retail store!
June 8, 2020
I hate when I'm waiting on mom to cook dinner, then remember I am the mom and have to cook dinner!
June 7, 2020
I had to give up being a taxi driver.
I didn't like people talking behind my back.
June 6, 2020
Just wait 2 years - it will be 2020 too.
June 5, 2020
Need cheering up? Start an argument with somebody when they have the hiccups!
June 4, 2020
June 3, 2020
I had a dog once. Named Minton. He kept eating all my shuttlecocks.
He was a bad Minton.
June 2, 2020
Research has shown laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog.
So, now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers!
June 1, 2020
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
May 31, 2020
Sometimes my wife laughs at how competitive I am.
But I just laugh back. More. And louder.
May 30, 2020
May 29, 2020
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
"Curses! Foil again!"
May 28, 2020
If you can't find your dog, open the refrigerator door, he's standing right behind you!
May 27, 2020
I hope the children will never find out why I say "Oops ..." so often when I vacuum their rooms!
May 26, 2020
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory!
May 25, 2020
I met a taxidermist at a party and asked what he does for a living. He said, "Oh, you know ... stuff!"
May 24, 2020
Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
- Bill Murray
May 23, 2020
What did the 0 say to the 8?
"Nice belt."
May 22, 2020
A cop pulled me over and said "Papers", I said "Scissors, I win" and drove off!
May 21, 2020
When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
May 20. 2020
Before I die, I'm going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
May 19, 2020
5 Funniest Things Said During A Colonoscopy:
- 1. Find Amelia Earhart yet?
- 2. Any sign of the trapped miners?
- 3. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!
- 4. Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity!
- 5. Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there!
May 18, 2020
It sounds like thunder outside but the way 2020 is going it could be Godzilla!
May 17, 2020
I've started investing in stocks - beef, chicken, and vegetable.
One day I hope to be a bouillonaire!
May 16, 2020
A man died after drinking varnish. It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.
May 15, 2020
May 14, 2020
Mother: "Are you talking back to me?"
Son: "Well yeah, that's kinda how communication works!"
May 13, 2020
Next time a stranger talks to me when I am alone, I will just look at him shocked and whisper quietly "You can see me?"
May 12, 2020
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
May 11, 2020
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- George Carlin
May 10, 2020
The 1960's was an era of big thoughts. And yet, amazingly, each of these thoughts could fit on a t-shirt!
- P. J. O'Rourke
May 9, 2020
What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderwear!
May 8, 2020
I believe if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade ... and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party!
- Ron White
May 7, 2020
May 6, 2020
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
May 5, 2020
Did you know dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
May 4, 2020
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
May 3, 2020
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- George Carlin
May 2, 2020
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed the opportunity to call them substitooths!
May 1, 2020
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathamachicken.
April 30, 2020
I quit my job at the helium gas factory.
I refused to be talked to in that tone of voice!
April 29, 2020
When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.
I almost died in Finding Nemo.
April 28, 2020
I don't have to ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts!
April 27, 2020
Stepped on the scale this morning and it said "Please use social distancing, one person at a time!"
April 26, 2020
Those most eager to be seen as well-adjusted can usually be counted on to do the most insane things!
- Gregg Eisenberg, Letting Go Is All We Have To Hold Onto
April 25, 2020
April 24, 2020
Wi-Fi went down during family dinner. One of the kids started talking and I didn't know who he was!
April 23, 2020
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before!
April 22, 2020
April 21, 2020
So, if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a Milk Dud or an Udder Failure?
April 20, 2020
What do you call if when two rock guitars accidentally crash into each other?
A Fender bender.
April 19, 2020
***BOOM***
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell.
Mom: It sounded a lot heavier than that!
Me: I was in it ...
April 18, 2020
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera!
April 17, 2020
Most common lies ever told:
"I didn't do it."
"I'm fine."
"I have read and agree to the Terms and Conditions."
April 16, 2020
What do you call it when someone steals your morning coffee?
A mugging.
April 15, 2020
April 14, 2020
Who is the smartest pig in the world?
Ein-swine
April 13, 2020
Where does the Terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B ... back
April 12, 2020
Me: How's the diet going?
Friend: Not good. I had eggs for breakfast.
Me: Scrambled?
Friend: Cadbury's.
April 11, 2020
Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There's no menu, you get what you deserve.
April 10, 2020
Questions For Today:
Can you cry under water?
If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why does a dog get mad when you blow in his face, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?
April 9, 2020
I do agree with Plato: To thine own self be true; but not necessarily about everything. And certainly not all at once.
- Gregg Eisenberg, Letting Go Is All We Have To Hold Onto
April 8, 2020
What did the judge say to the dentist?
Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?
April 7, 2020
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.
April 6, 2020
Just changed my Facebook name to "No one" so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say "No one likes this".
April 5, 2020
Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.
April 4, 2020
April 3, 2020
If you see an Apple store get robbed, does that make you an iWitness?
April 2, 2020
Day 19 of isolation and it's like Vegas in my house. We're losing money by the minute, cocktails are acceptable at any hour, and nobody knows what time it is!
April 1, 2020
What did the yogi say to his dog?
Nama, stay!
March 31, 2020
Why did the computer squeak?
Someone stepped on its mouse!
March 30, 2020
Why did the yogi refuse anesthesia when having his wisdom tooth removed?
He wanted to transcend-dental-medication!
March 29, 2020
Why can't you trust trees?
Because they are shady!
March 28, 2020
What do you call birds that stick together?
Velcrows!
March 27, 2020
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
March 26, 2020
How do you manage a pumpkin addiction?
Get a pumpkin patch.
March 25, 2020
My boss asked me to make a presentation and said I should start it with a joke. So I put my paystub on the first slide.
March 24, 2020
So much for hoarding ...
March 23, 2020
"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu."
March 22, 2020
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles ..
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house!
March 21, 2020
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
March 20, 2020
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats
March 19, 2020
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.
March 18, 2020
