Joke Of The Day
May 24, 2020
Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
- Bill Murray
May 23, 2020
What did the 0 say to the 8?
"Nice belt."
May 22, 2020
A cop pulled me over and said "Papers", I said "Scissors, I win" and drove off!
May 21, 2020
When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
May 20. 2020
Before I die, I'm going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
May 19, 2020
5 Funniest Things Said During A Colonoscopy:
- 1. Find Amelia Earhart yet?
- 2. Any sign of the trapped miners?
- 3. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!
- 4. Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity!
- 5. Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there!
May 18, 2020
It sounds like thunder outside but the way 2020 is going it could be Godzilla!
May 17, 2020
I've started investing in stocks - beef, chicken, and vegetable.
One day I hope to be a bouillonaire!
May 16, 2020
A man died after drinking varnish. It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.
May 15, 2020
May 14, 2020
Mother: "Are you talking back to me?"
Son: "Well yeah, that's kinda how communication works!"
May 13, 2020
Next time a stranger talks to me when I am alone, I will just look at him shocked and whisper quietly "You can see me?"
May 12, 2020
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
May 11, 2020
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- George Carlin
May 10, 2020
The 1960's was an era of big thoughts. And yet, amazingly, each of these thoughts could fit on a t-shirt!
- P. J. O'Rourke
May 9, 2020
What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderwear!
May 8, 2020
I believe if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade ... and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party!
- Ron White
May 7, 2020
May 6, 2020
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
May 5, 2020
Did you know dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
May 4, 2020
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
May 3, 2020
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- George Carlin
May 2, 2020
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed the opportunity to call them substitooths!
May 1, 2020
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathamachicken.
April 30, 2020
I quit my job at the helium gas factory.
I refused to be talked to in that tone of voice!
April 29, 2020
When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.
I almost died in Finding Nemo.
April 28, 2020
I don't have to ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts!
April 27, 2020
Stepped on the scale this morning and it said "Please use social distancing, one person at a time!"
April 26, 2020
Those most eager to be seen as well-adjusted can usually be counted on to do the most insane things!
- Gregg Eisenberg, Letting Go Is All We Have To Hold Onto
April 25, 2020
April 24, 2020
Wi-Fi went down during family dinner. One of the kids started talking and I didn't know who he was!
April 23, 2020
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before!
April 22, 2020
April 21, 2020
So, if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a Milk Dud or an Udder Failure?
April 20, 2020
What do you call if when two rock guitars accidentally crash into each other?
A Fender bender.
April 19, 2020
***BOOM***
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell.
Mom: It sounded a lot heavier than that!
Me: I was in it ...
April 18, 2020
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera!
April 17, 2020
Most common lies ever told:
"I didn't do it."
"I'm fine."
"I have read and agree to the Terms and Conditions."
April 16, 2020
What do you call it when someone steals your morning coffee?
A mugging.
April 15, 2020
April 14, 2020
Who is the smartest pig in the world?
Ein-swine
April 13, 2020
Where does the Terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B ... back
April 12, 2020
Me: How's the diet going?
Friend: Not good. I had eggs for breakfast.
Me: Scrambled?
Friend: Cadbury's.
April 11, 2020
Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There's no menu, you get what you deserve.
April 10, 2020
Questions For Today:
Can you cry under water?
If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why does a dog get mad when you blow in his face, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?
April 9, 2020
I do agree with Plato: To thine own self be true; but not necessarily about everything. And certainly not all at once.
- Gregg Eisenberg, Letting Go Is All We Have To Hold Onto
April 8, 2020
What did the judge say to the dentist?
Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?
April 7, 2020
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.
April 6, 2020
Just changed my Facebook name to "No one" so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say "No one likes this".
April 5, 2020
Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.
April 4, 2020
April 3, 2020
If you see an Apple store get robbed, does that make you an iWitness?
April 2, 2020
Day 19 of isolation and it's like Vegas in my house. We're losing money by the minute, cocktails are acceptable at any hour, and nobody knows what time it is!
April 1, 2020
What did the yogi say to his dog?
Nama, stay!
March 31, 2020
Why did the computer squeak?
Someone stepped on its mouse!
March 30, 2020
Why did the yogi refuse anesthesia when having his wisdom tooth removed?
He wanted to transcend-dental-medication!
March 29, 2020
Why can't you trust trees?
Because they are shady!
March 28, 2020
What do you call birds that stick together?
Velcrows!
March 27, 2020
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
March 26, 2020
How do you manage a pumpkin addiction?
Get a pumpkin patch,
March 25, 2020
My boss asked me to make a presentation and said I should start it with a joke. So I put my paystub on the first slide.
March 24, 2020
So much for hoarding ...
March 23, 2020
"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu."
March 22, 2020
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles ..
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house!
March 21, 2020
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
March 20, 2020
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats
March 19, 2020
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.
March 18, 2020
