Joke Of The Day

May 17, 2022

The housekeeper said she was going to start working from home. So, she sent me a list of chores to do.

May 16, 2022

Whoever makes it doesn't tell. Whoever takes it doesn't know. Whoever knows it doesn't want it. What is it?

Counterfeit money.

May 15, 2022

May 14, 2022

Why do space rocks taste better than Earth rocks?

They're a little meteor!

May 13, 2022

What did the church's chef put on all the sandwiches?

Miracle Whip!

May 12, 2022

If a neighboring business puts up a sign saying "Lowest Prices", simply erect your own sign saying "Main Entrance".

May 11, 2022

WFH has led me to a surprising discovery. I do my best work in the kitchen. I'm counterproductive!

May 10, 2022

Pro-tip for couples working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our home, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don't know what to do about her.

May 9, 2022

Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist said I could be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So, I guess it was an ether/oar situation.

May 8, 2022

I am devastated. My son has chosen a career in financial services rather than the family's wheat farm. He's going against the grain.

May 7, 2022

Why didn't the donkey cross the road?

Because he saw what happened to the zebra.

May 6, 2022

Doctor! Doctor! How long can a person live without a brain?

I don't know ... how old are you?

May 5, 2022

What is so fragile that saying its name breaks it?

Silence.

May 4, 2022

Showering as a mom should be an Olympic sport: Everyone's yelling your name, you have to beat the clock, and you rarely win a medal.

May 3, 2022

I met a microbiologist the other day. He was much bigger than I expected.

May 2, 2022

What do you get when you cross a fly, a car, and a dog?

A flying carpet.

May 1, 2022

April 30, 2022

My niece, Sue, plans to open a discount grocery store where everything expires in a week. She's going to call it Best By .....

April 29, 2022

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and an elephant?

Big holes all over Australia.

April 28, 2022

Why did the surgeon not like the movie?

It was the uncut version!

April 27, 2022

What do you get when you cross a lemon and a cat?

A sourpuss.

April 26, 2022

Definition of an Ironing Board: A surf board which gave up on its dreams and went to work.

April 25, 2022

What do you get when you cross a football player and a pay phone?

A wide receiver.

April 24, 2022

What do you get when you cross Godzilla with a parrot?

I don't know, but if he asks for a cracker, give it to him!

April 23, 2022

Being my age means I'm old enough to do what I want, smart enough to know it's not a good idea, and stupid enough to do it anyway!

April 22, 2022

Everyone has photographic memory. Difference is some don't have any film.

April 21, 2022

Why was Cinderella so bad at sports?

Because she had a pumpkin for a coach!

April 20, 2022

What do you call a fake pizza?

A pepperphony pizza.

April 19, 2022

I'm going to open a restaurant that only serves crab and pizza.

I'll call it the Crust Station.

April 18, 2022

Why do people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. But the moment you do anything childish or immature they tell you to grow up.

April 17, 2022

Why did the mother spider scold the baby spider?

Because he spends too much time on the web!

April 16, 2022

How do you cut the ocean in half?

With a sea-saw!

April 15, 2022

What did the horse say when it fell down?

"Help! I've fallen and I can't giddyup!"

April 14, 2022

What do you call a musician with problems?

A trebled man.

April 13, 2022

I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs.

It's a step by step guide!

April 12, 2022

April 11, 2022

I keep a sandwich in a holster strapped to my ankle for emergencies. It's called a below-knee sandwich!

April 10, 2022

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

El-if-i-no

April 9, 2022

Dad: Be careful standing near those trees.

Daughter: Why? The sky is clear, there's no chance of lightning.

Dad: I don't know why, they just look kind of shady to me.

April 8, 2022

What did Uber and Google call their baby?

Goober.

April 7, 2022

What currency is used in space?

Star-bucks!

April 6, 2022

Why do we like volcanoes?

Because they are so lavable.

April 5, 2022

What did the Google employee have for lunch?

A byte to eat.

April 4, 2022

Why was the original origami master terrible at poker?

He was always folding!

April 3, 2022

What do you call an onlne potato?

A You-Tuber.

April 2, 2022

What has to be broken before you use it?

An egg.

April 1, 2022

Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?

Because they just finished a long 31-day March!

March 31, 2022

Why was Cookie Monster upset?

Because Google asked if he wanted to delete his cookies!

March 30, 2022

March 29, 2022

"It's spicy" is the universal adult code word for "I don't want to share".

March 28, 2022

Motherhood is like a fairy tale, but in reverse. You start out in a beautiful ball gown and end up in stained rags cleaning up after little people.

March 27, 2022

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother ... Sudden Lee!

March 26, 2022

What has a bottom at the top?

Your legs.

March 25, 2022

From Actual Employee Evaluations:

• Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig
• When he opens his mouth, it seems this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there
• He would be out of this depth in a parking lot puddle
• Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it together
• The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming

March 24, 2022

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering where you hold every object you own and if it doesn't bring you joy, you throw it away.

So far I've thrown out all of the vegetables, my bra, the electric bill, the scale, a mirror, and my treadmill.

March 23, 2022

What do you throw out when you want to use it but take in when you don't want to use it?

An anchor.

March 22, 2022

What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?

A fizzician.

March 21, 2022

Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula!

March 20, 2022

How was Rome split in two?

With a pair of Caesars!

March 19, 2022

I'm starting a flight company exclusively for bald people. I'll call it ... Receding Airlines!

March 18, 2022

What do you call the guy who spent the summer at the beach?

A tan-gent.

March 17, 2022

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. I now have Heinzsight.

March 16, 2022

Do you know who invented algebra?

An x-pert.

March 15, 2022

What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?

A fumigator.

March 14, 2022

March 13, 2022

It's the start of a brand new day and I'm off like a herd of turtles!

March 12, 2022

Why should you never trust someone writing on graph paper?

Because they're probably plotting something!

March 11, 2022

Four high school boys with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch, they told the teacher they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief, she said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said, "First question, which tire was flat?"

March 10, 2022

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

March 9, 2022

I met Bruce Lee's vegan brother today - his name is Brocko Lee.

March 8, 2022

My name is Ella. If I married Darth Vader, my name would be elevator!

March 7, 2022

You're a true 90's kid if you ever heard "Get off the internet, I need to use the phone."

March 6, 2022

Instead of "Have a good day," I think I'll start saying "Have the day you deserve." You know, let karma sort it out!

March 5, 2022

Auto correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

March 4, 2022

I'm so old I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything!

March 3, 2022

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

Feyonce.

March 2, 2022

Teacher: "If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"

Vincent: "One dollar."

Teacher: "You don't know your arithmetic."

Vincent: "You don't know my father."

March 1, 2022

As you get older, you have to stay positive. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs. Instead of getting upset, I just thought, "Wow, that's the fastest I've moved in years!"

Feb. 28, 2022

My mom's superpower is being the only person in the house who can see an empty toilet paper roll.

Feb. 27, 2022

If you ever get an email about pork, ham, salt, and preservatives - don't open it. It's Spam!

Feb. 26, 2022

I didn't fall down. I did attack the floor though.

Feb. 25, 2022

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in a glass of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats it's buoyant.

Feb. 24, 2022

My boss asked me how good I was at making spreadsheets.

I told him I Excel at it.

Feb. 23, 2022

What do you call Batman and Robin after a steam roller went over them?

Flatman and Ribbon

Feb. 22, 2022

You know it's time to clean out the diaper bag when you put it on the front seat and your car assumes it's a person not wearing a seat belt.

Feb. 21, 2022

What does a librarian use to go fishing?

A bookworm!

Feb. 20, 2022

Showering as a mom should be an Olympic sport: Everyone's yelling your name, you have to beat the clock, and you rarely win a medal.

Feb. 19, 2022

I didn't mean to gain weight.

It happened by snaccident.

Feb. 18, 2022

Did you hear the Energizer bunny was arrested?

It was battery!

Feb. 17, 2022

Feb. 16, 2022

I don't think I could ever stab someone. I mean, let's be real. I can barely get the straw in a Capri Sun pouch!

Feb. 15, 2022

How does Dolly Parton clean her swimming pools?

Chlorine, Chlorine, Chlorine, Chlorineeeeeeeee!

Feb. 14, 2022

We have an open door policy. Show up with wine and we'll open the door!

Feb. 13, 2022

Who's idea was it to sing "Happy Birthday" while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake!

Feb. 12, 2022

Did you know the word "DIET" stands for: Did I Eat That?

Feb. 11, 2022

When I die, I want my last words to be, "I left a million dollars under the ......"

Feb. 10, 2022

I'm not saying I'm Batman. But so far, nobody has seen me and Batman together in the same room.

Feb. 9, 2022

As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me!

Feb. 8, 2022

Which way did the computer programmer go?

He went data way.

Feb. 7, 2022

Patient: "Doctor, Doctor, I work like a horse, eat like a bird, and I'm tired as a dog!"

Doctor: "Have you been to a veterinarian?"

Feb. 6, 2022

I can't wait for Tuesday, Feb. 22, 2022 ... we can call it 2's Day!

Feb. 5, 2022

The doctor said he wanted to talk to me about my weight.

I said, "Well, it was about 20 minutes, but at least the chairs were comfy!"

Feb. 4, 2022

Sure, skydiving is scary but ... have you ever been to someone's house and the toilet won't flush?

Feb. 3, 2022

I just sold my homing pigeon on eBay - for the 22nd time!

Feb. 2, 2022

Doctor: "Would you have the money if I said you needed an operation?"

Patient: "Would you say I needed an operation if you thought I didn't have the money?"

Feb. 1, 2022

My wife asked me why I speak so quietly in the house. I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed

I laughed

Alexa laughed

Siri laughed ...

Jan. 31, 2022

Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?

Jan. 30, 2022

How can you tell a good snack from a bad one?

The good one always comes through when the chips are down!

Jan. 29, 2022

Have you ever noticed it sounds so friendly when you say "Have a nice day" to someone ... but, if you say "Enjoy your next 24 hours", it sounds a bit scary!

Jan. 28, 2022

What's an electrician's favorite ice cream flavor?

Shock-o-late!

Jan. 27, 2022

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.

I nodded knowingly. "It's the early signs of typothermia."

Jan. 26, 2022

Jan. 25, 2022

I danced like no one was watching!

My court date is pending.

Jan. 24, 2022

Be kind to everyone you meet.

You never know who lost an argument with a 3-year old today.

Jan. 23, 2022

Spiders and snakes are a vital part of the EEK-osystem!

Jan. 22, 2022

600 shopping carts in the grocery store and I keep picking the one with the front wheel that likes to pirouette like a ballerina on speed.

Jan. 21, 2022

Why do people tell you not to stand in front of an emergency exit when if there was an emergency surely you would run through it?

Jan. 20, 2022

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change colors?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

Jan. 19, 2022

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it's $2.50. Want to know why?

Inflation.

Jan. 18, 2022

If a policeman pulls over a U-Haul, did he bust a move?

Jan. 17, 2022

What did the cat say when he fell off the table?

Me-Ow.

Jan. 16, 2022

What do you call guys who love math?

Algebros.

Jan. 15, 2022

Jan. 14, 2022

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?

Add spring water!

Jan. 13, 2022

What do mice use to floss their teeth?

String cheese!

Jan. 12, 2022

You know what can really ruin a Friday?

Remembering it's only Thursday!

Jan. 11, 2022

I eat tacos over a tortilla so when the stuff falls out .. BOOM .. another taco!

Jan. 10, 2022

1) Going to bed early; 2) Not leaving my house; 3) Not going to a party ... my childhood punishments have become my adult goals!

Jan. 9, 2022

Jan. 8, 2022

What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

A pouch potato!

Jan. 7, 2022

What do you call a pod of musical whales?

An Orca-stra!

Jan. 6, 2022

What do you call an owl that does magic tricks?

Hoo-dini.

Jan. 5, 2022

Definition of Junk: Something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

Jan. 4, 2022

I work in a busy office and when a computer goes down it's quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

A co-worker called out with mock horror, "This computer just flat-lined! Does anybody know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

Jan. 3, 2022

What do you have when both your son and daughter text you to borrow $100 each?

$200 and two unread messages!

Jan. 2, 2022

Rabbits jump and they live about 8 years. Dogs run and they live for about 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for about 150 years. Lesson learned!

Jan. 1, 2022

What do you call the aging process for snowmen?

Evaporation!

Dec. 31, 2021

My New Year's resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to "Auld Lang Syne".

Dec. 30, 2021

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves!

Dec. 29, 2021

In our family we don't hide crazy. We put it on the porch and give it a cocktail.

Dec. 28, 2021

At home it's weird for two people to eat two different things for dinner. But, at a restaurant it's weird to order the same thing.

Dec. 27, 2021

Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year's - December 31.

Dec. 26, 2021

Dec. 25, 2021

How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh the day after Christmas?

They use Santa-tizer!

Dec. 24, 2021

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?

Krisp Kringle!

Dec. 23, 2021

How does the snow globe feel this year?

A little shaken!

Dec. 22, 2021

Dec. 21, 2021

What happens if you eat the Christmas ornaments?

You get tinselitis.

Dec. 20, 2021

Why does Santa enter houses through the chimneys?

Because it soots him!

Dec. 19, 2021

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?

He looks at the calen-deer!

Dec. 18, 2021

We can put  man on the moon ... but, my "file is too big to send" ..........

Dec. 17, 2021

The biggest joke on mankind is that a computer program is asking a human to prove he isn't a robot!

Dec. 16, 2021

No matter how old you are, an empty wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with!

Dec. 15, 2021

My IT co-worker got new shoes.

He rebooted himself.

Dec. 14, 2021

I'm going to hang a Batman outfit in my closet just to mess with myself when I get old and forgetful.

Dec. 13, 2021

When is a boat just like snow?

When it's adrift.

Dec. 12, 2021

I wish there was a setting on the tv to turn up the intelligence. There's a setting called brightness, but it doesn't work!

Dec. 11, 2021

What do you call an elf who steals gift wrap from the rich and gives it to the poor?

Ribbon Hood.

Dec. 10, 2021

Dec. 9, 2021

What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling?

Mistletoad.

Dec. 8, 2021

What did one snowman say to the other?

I couldn't hear them,, so I have snow-idea.

Dec. 7, 2021

What's worse than Rudolph with a runny nose?

Frosty the Snowman with a hot flush.

Dec. 6, 2021

My girlfriend gained 50 pounds and now can predict the weather.

She fancies herself a meatierologist.

Dec. 5, 2021

Buying all Christmas presents in early December ... is advent-ageous.

Dec. 4, 2021

Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?

Because the kids have to play indoors!

Dec. 3, 2021

I was checking the weather on my phone and thought, "Oh Wow, there's going to be lightning!" Then I realized my phone was charging.

Dec. 2, 2021

What do truckers celebrate in December?

The haul-idays!

Dec. 1, 2021

Sign posted outside a Volunteer Fire Department in December:

Remember to water your Christmas tree ... or we will come and water it for you.

Nov. 30, 2021

A mom and son come home from the grocery store. The boy immediately empties out a box of animal crackers and the mom asks him why. The boy says, "You should not eat if the seal is broken, so I'm looking for the seal."

Nov. 29, 2021

I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved!

Nov. 28, 2021

Little Johnny's new baby brother is screaming up a storm. He asks his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replies, "He came from Heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "Wow! I can see why they threw him out!"

Nov. 27, 2021

What did the pop star do when he locked himself out?

He sang until he found the right key!

Nov. 26, 2021

What would you call a Minecraft movie?

A Block-buster!

Nov. 25, 2021

I tried to post a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys ... but, it was removed because of fowl language!

Nov. 24, 2021

I shot my first turkey today! People ran out of the frozen food section in excitement and even the cops showed up to see!

Nov. 23, 2021

A little girl serves her father tea while her mother is out shopping. The mother comes home and the father says, "Watch this!" The little girl goes and serves the mother tea. The mother responds, "Did it ever occur to you the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Nov. 22, 2021

Nov. 21, 2021

If you feel down, like the world isn't listening, and you feel like crying, just remember there is someone out there struggling to pull a push to open door!

Nov. 20, 2021

My teacher pointed a ruler at me and said, "At the end of this ruler is an idiot."

I got detention for asking, "Which end?"

Nov. 19, 2021

My friend, David, had his ID stolen. Now he's just Dav.

Nov. 18, 2021

I want to open a two dollar store for people that enjoy the finer things!

Nov. 17, 2021

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.

A realist sees a freight train.

The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks!

Nov. 16, 2021

I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.

Nov. 15, 2021

The first guy to discover milk probably did a lot of other weird stuff.

Nov. 14, 2021

Parents don't really go on vacation. They just take care of their kids in a different city!

Nov. 13, 2021

You know you're an adult when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kicking it under the fridge!

Nov. 12, 2021

Why did the capacitor kiss the diode?

He just couldn't resistor!

Nov. 11, 2021

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree when it shouted, "Wait! I'm a talking tree."

The lumberjack grinned and said, "And you will dialogue!"

Nov. 10, 2021

Yesterday I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke!

Nov. 9, 2021

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today.

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.

Nov. 8, 2021

The adult version of "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" is "Wallet, Glasses, Keys, and Phone"!

Nov. 7, 2021

I'm sure a woodpecker just called me paranoid in morse code!

Nov. 6, 2021

When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.

But when we grow up, the electric bill makes us afraid of the light!

Nov. 5, 2021

Reasons why the English language is hard to learn:

• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• The farm was used to produce produce.
• He could lead if he'd get the lead out.
• Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
• I did not object to the object.

Nov. 4, 2021

When bees move into a new hive, do they have a house swarming party?

Nov. 3, 2021

Nov. 2, 2021

It may look like I'm having deep thoughts but 99% of the time I'm thinking about what food I'm going to eat later!

Nov. 1, 2021

Brain at 3AM: I can see you are trying to sleep so I'd like to offer you a selection of every memory, unresolved issue, or things you should have said or done today as well as in the past 40 years.

Oct. 31, 2021

I accidentally went shopping on an empty stomach. Now I'm the proud owner of Aisle 5.

Oct. 30, 2021

For Halloween, I'm putting a vending machine outside of my house. Tough on the kids but, I've got rent to pay on the 1st of the month!

Oct. 29, 2021

What exercises do Zombies do?

Dead lifts!

Oct. 28, 2021

Where do ghosts go on vacation?

Mali-boo.

Oct. 27, 2021

How do ghosts open the doors to their haunted houses?

With a skeleton key!

Oct. 26, 2021

Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?

They're afraid of flying off the handle!

Oct. 25, 2021

How do you write a book about Halloween?

With a ghostwriter!

Oct. 24, 2021

What genre are national anthems?

Country!

Oct. 23, 2021

Oct. 22, 2021

I fold a fitted sheet exactly how I'd fight off a boa constrictor!

Oct. 21, 2021

Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored and go for a stroll out through my mouth. This is never a good thing!

Oct. 20, 2021

Why did the police officer ticket the ghost on Halloween?

It didn't have a haunting license.

Oct. 19, 2021

Getting older is just one body part after another saying, "Ha Ha, you think that's bad? Watch this!"

Oct. 18, 2021

Why do ghosts like riding in elevators?

It raises their spirits!

Oct. 17, 2021

If a cookie falls to the floor and you pick it up, that's a squat - right?

Oct. 16, 2021

It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

Oct. 15, 2021

When people say "You're going to regret that in the morning", I sleep until noon .. because I'm a problem solver!

Oct. 14, 2021

Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge.Others just gargle.

- Robert Anthony

Oct. 13, 2021

The first person to hear a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days!

Oct. 12, 2021

What plants like Halloween the most?

Bam-BOO!

Oct. 11, 2021

Accidentally used the dog's shampoo ... now I'm feeling like such a good girl.

Oct. 10, 2021

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune but the Chick Peas can only hummus one!

Oct. 9, 2021

If you lose a sock in the dryer, it returns as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any containers!

Oct. 8, 2021

What would you find on a haunted beach?

A sand-witch!

Oct. 7, 2021

Them: "What sign are you most compatible with?"

Me: "The Krispy Kreme Hot N Ready!"

Oct. 6, 2021

How do you make a baby ghost giggle? You play peek-a-boo!

Oct. 5, 2021

Being a little older, I'm very fortunate to have someone call and check on me every day. He's from another country and is very concerned about my car warranty.

Oct. 4, 2021

What would you get if you crossed a vampire with a teacher? Lots of blood tests!

Oct. 3, 2021

If you don't remember their name, take them to Starbucks!

Oct. 2, 2021

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi.

Oct. 1, 2021

Sept. 30, 2021

If liar's pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun!

Sept. 29, 2021

I fired myself from cleaning the house. I didn't like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job!

Sept. 28, 2021

Everyone has a hidden talent they don't know about until the tequila is poured!

Sept. 27, 2021

I saw two endangered species this morning. A pay phone and someone who uses it!

Sept. 26, 2021

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who has been asked what's in their mouth!

Sept. 25, 2021

It takes real skill to choke on air, fall up stairs, and trip over completely nothing ... I have that skill!

Sept. 24, 2021

Me: "I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise."

Personal Trainer: "This was the tour of the gym."

Sept. 23, 2021

Two friends talking about how they want to be remembered:

First friend: I'd like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a difference in our children of tomorrow.

Second friend: I'd like to hear them say 'Look, he's moving!'

Sept. 22, 2021

Sept. 21, 2021

If you think you are smarter than the previous generation ... 50 years ago the owners manual of a car showed you how to adjust the valves. Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery.

Sept. 20, 2021

Why are there different types of blood groups?

So the mosquitos can enjoy different flavors!

Sept. 19, 2021

Some call it multi-tasking. I call it doing something else while I try to remember what I was doing in the first place!

Sept. 18, 2021

So, a burglar broke into the house ... I put the red dot on his chest and the cat did the rest!

Sept. 17, 2021

People who ask me what I'm doing tomorrow probably assume that I even know what day of the week it is!

Sept. 16, 2021

Shoutout to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number but can't remember the password they created yesterday. You are my people!

Sept. 15, 2021

It's weird being the same age as old people.

Sept. 14, 2021

I swear the me that orders groceries and the me that actually has to cook the meals are two entirely different people!

Sept. 13, 2021

I miss being able to slam my phone down when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me!

Sept. 12, 2021

I just ordered a life alert bracelet so if I get a life, I'll be notified immediately!

Sept. 11, 2021

Now that I've lived during a plague, I understand why most Renaissance paintings are of chubby women laying around without a bra.

Sept. 10, 2021

It helps if you imagine auto correct as a tiny little elf in your phone who's trying so hard to be helpful but is in fact quite drunk.

Sept. 9, 2021

That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.

Sept. 8, 2021

The phrase "hindsight is 2020" may forever have new meaning.

Sept. 7, 2021

If I waited until I had all my ducks in a row, I'd never get across the street. Sometimes you just have to gather up what you've got and make a run for it!

Sept. 6, 2021

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog and a rose?

A Collie-flower!

Sept. 5, 2021

I listen to the radio with such frequency that my ear Hertz!

Sept. 4, 2021

Two funeral homes invented a marijuana coffin. It was a joint undertaking.

Sept. 3, 2021

Relationships are a lot like algebra ... have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Sept. 2, 2021

The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister of Sweden ... he should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend!

Sept. 1, 2021

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves!

Aug. 31, 2021

Long fairy tales have a tendancy to dragon.

Aug. 30, 2021

If I illegally download a movie in the Bahamas, does that make me a Pirate of the Caribbean?

Aug. 29, 2021

Aug. 28, 2021

It's ok to borrow from the public library once in a while, but try not to overdue it!

Aug. 27, 2021

People are always saying to keep my nose to the grindstone.

But, I'm afraid it will cause me to lose face!

Aug. 26, 2021

There's a sign hanging in the window of a dry cleaners. It reads "So And So Dry Cleaners. Working on the same spot for 72 years."

Aug. 25, 2021

Gandhi was a pacifist, but during a bread shortage he got so hungry he advocated naan-violence.

Aug. 24, 2021

College is really kidnapping done backwards ... if you don't give us a ridiculously large amount of money, we'll send you your child back!

Aug. 23, 2021

A pistachio is nut thing to be proud of.

Aug. 22, 2021

I started a new workout routine this week, doing crunches twice a day ...

I do Cap'n in the morning and Nestle's in the afternoon!

Aug. 21, 2021

"It's no use. Art doesn't listen to me," said a little boy praying for a new bike. "Art who?" asked the boy's mother. "Art in heaven," came the reply.

Aug. 20, 2021

Photographer: "And, will you want those pictures in color or black and white?"

Zebra: "Jerk!"

Aug. 19, 2021

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a giant white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot!

Aug. 18, 2021

Why did the EMTs travel in sets of two?

They wanted to be pair-a-medics!

Aug. 17, 2021

I went to a really emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers!

Aug. 16, 2021

Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?

Aug. 15, 2021

Where do cows like to go?

To the mooooseum!

Aug. 14, 2021

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

Aug. 13, 2021

Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?

Aug. 12, 2021

What sound does an airplane make when it bounces off the ground?

Boeing ...

Aug. 11, 2021

Why should you never trust a pig with a secret?

Because it's bound to squeal!

Aug. 10, 2021

What if the spider in my bedroom lived his whole life thinking I was his roommate and died wondering what brought on this psychotic break?

Aug. 9, 2021

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. He takes a sip, spits it out, and says, "Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns, and says, "But sir, it's fresh ground."

Aug. 8, 2021

Never look at your beer as half empty. Look at is as halfway to your next beer!

Aug. 7, 2021

I ate too much cookie dough and got sick. It was an overdoughse.

Aug. 6, 2021

Why did the baseball player bring his gear on the sailboat?

He was told he might have to batten down the hatches!

Aug. 5, 2021

I woke up this morning and saw a bird of prey in my backyard eating avocado toast and yelling "OK, boomer!"

It was a millennial falcon!

Aug. 4, 2021

How do you rejuvenate an old boat?

Boat-tox!

Aug. 3, 2021

I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices.

It was a catcher in the rye!

Aug. 2, 2021

I was folding my pants, fresh out of the dryer, and found a dollar in a pocket.

Geez, how long have I been laundering money?

Aug. 1, 2021

What do you call a boat with AI?

A Row-bot!

July 31, 2021

What kind of snakes are found on cars?

Windshield vipers!

July 30, 2021

What does BOAT stand for?

Break Out Another Thousand!

July 29, 2021

Technology is amazing ... if I touch my phone in the right places, someone comes and brings me a pizza!

July 28, 2021

My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's Day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower.

"Gold Medal All Purpose" apparently wasn't the answer!

July 27, 2021

The animal hairstylist at the zoo has become a mane attraction!

July 26, 2021

What do you call the medical condition where your feet go to sleep?

Coma-toes!

July 25, 2021

What is a shoe repairman's favorite dessert?

Cobbler!

July 24, 2021

I'm surprised I'm not musically inclined. As a child, my attitude was so bad I often got my bell rung and was told to sing a new tune!

July 23, 2021

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.

That would be a big step forward!

July 22, 2021

If you're waiting to be served in a restaurant, shouldn't you be called the waiter?

July 21, 2021

You know how you pull the smartphone out of your pocket to check the time?

We're really going back to the era of the pocket watch!

July 20, 2021

My head is slowly 3D printing my hair!

July 19, 2021

You know how you pull the smartphone out of your pocket to check the time?

We're really going back to the era of the pocket watch!

July 18, 2021

If we shouldn't eat late at night, why do they put a light in the refrigerator?

July 17, 2021

Hills aren't fun ... they're hill areas!

July 16, 2021

What did the flower say after telling a joke?

I was just pollen your leg!

July 15, 2021

What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

A pouch potato!

July 14, 2021

My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex. They're his watch dogs.

July 13, 2021

Where do snowmen go in a medical emergency?

The ICY-U

July 12, 2021

Did you hear about the robbers who fell into the sea?

They started a crime wave.

July 11, 2021

What does the flower say when it wants you to leave it alone?

Begonia!

July 10, 2021

What happened to the first 6 ups?

July 9, 2021

July 8, 2021

How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?

You take away its tiny brooms!

July 7, 2021

Why did the gymnist put extra salt on her food?

So she could do summer salts.

July 6, 2021

Never trust people who sketch facial composites for police reports.

They're con artists!

July 5, 2021

Why don't mummies go on summer vacation?

They're afraid to relax and unwind!

July 4, 2021

I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.

July 3, 2021

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

July 2, 2021

What's the opposite of croissant?

A happy uncle!

July 1, 2021

A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.

He just can't part with it.

June 30, 2021

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all of her bills?

Bernadette.

June 29, 2021

What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowntain.

June 28, 2021

How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?

June 27, 2021

Hakuna Mavodka: It means no memories for the rest of your night!

June 26, 2021

Boob's law: You always find something in the last place you look.

June 25, 2021

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

June 24, 2021

If I die and come back as a hillbilly, is that called reintarnation?

June 23, 2021

The Law of Avoiding Oversell:

When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

June 22, 2021

An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just said, "In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a floatation device", when a man remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can float?"

June 21, 2021

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

June 20, 2021

Why didn't the surgeon like the movie?

It was the uncut version.

June 19, 2021

Why are green beans the most Zen of all vegetables?

Because they've found their inner peas!

June 18, 2021

June 17, 2021

What do you call a goat that's lazy?

Billy Idle.

June 16, 2021

I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman". Instead it turns out it says "Senior Discount, Please!"

June 15, 2021

A few of us were discussing the perils of drinking and driving when my 5-year old granddaughter threw in her two cents. "I can see why it would be dangerous to drink and drive, the straw could go up your nose."

June 14, 2021

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

June 13, 2021

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

June 12, 2021

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking!

June 11, 2021

What do you call malware on a Kindle?

A bookworm!

June 10, 2021

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.

Clooney says, "I'll direct."

DiCaprio says, "I'll act."

McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

June 9, 2021

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky.

June 8, 2021

If you wear cowboy clothes ... are you ranch dressing?

June 7, 2021

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?

Sneakers!

June 6, 2021

True Story: During residency, I got paged at 3AM to the SICU. I called them, a bit curious as to what was going on, as 3AM calls to the neurologist rarely come from the SICU.

When I introduced myself as the on-call neurologist, the very southern-sounding nurse loudly exclaimed:

"Neurology? I wanted Urology. I got the wrong end!"

June 5, 2021

Why are elderly people called 'old people', but children are never called 'new people'?

June 4, 2021

Why is it that people duck in the rain?

Do they really think the rain won't hit them?

June 3, 2021

What kind of dog doesn't bark?

A hush puppy!

June 2, 2021

I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions.

Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy?

Me: Yes.

Nurse: When?

Me: 2011.

Nurse: Do you think you could be pregnant?

Me: Do you think this is the right career for you?

June 1, 2021

I like to tell dad jokes, but I don't have kids.

I'm a faux pa.

May 31, 2021

Apple announced a new product for wives that helps cope with spontaneous dad jokes.

The iRoll.

May 30, 2021

Jerry is in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm ok, but I didn't like the four letter word the doctor used in surgery."

"What did he say?", asks the nurse.

"OOPS!"

May 29, 2021

I felt super exhausted after giving blood.

It's such a draining procedure.

May 28, 2021

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. They can't ask the patients what is the matter - they've got to just know.

- Will Rogers

May 27, 2021

Why don't you iron four leaf clovers?

Because you don't want to press your luck!

May 26, 2021

I've decided to name my son Mark.

That way, when I die, others will be able to say I left a Mark on this world.

May 25, 2021

Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler.

I woke up exhausted!

May 24, 2021

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the policeman said, "when you get four of them you get a bicycle."

May 23, 2021

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

May 22, 2021

My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an Ewok.

Wookie mistake!

May 21, 2021

Yesterday, I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object where the sun doesn't shine, and film the whole thing.

Or, as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy.

May 20, 2021

I don't understand how I can remember every word of a song from 1964, but I can't remember why I walked in the kitchen!

May 19, 2021

Who swore the most in Star Wars?

R2-D2, they beeped out every word he said!

May 18, 2021

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there staring at carpeting?

May 17, 2021

To save money, I suggested to one of my grown sons that we all live together in one house.

I could tell he didn't think it would be cost-effective when he asked, "Who's going to pay the therapist?"

May 16, 2021

What do you call a fake Irish diamond?

A sham-rock!

May 15, 2021

I told my mom that "WTF" means "Wow, That's Fantastic."

Her texts are so much more fun now.

May 14, 2021

I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.

I turned off the WiFi router and just waited in the room where it's located!

May 13, 2021

I bought a new iPod the other day and I've called it "The Titanic".

Now when I plug it into my laptop it says, "The Titanic is syncing."

May 12, 2021

Hootin' is a gateway drug to hollerin'.

May 11, 2021

You know how the credits at the end of movies always say something like "No animals were injured in the making of this film"? Well, what if they were?

Do they list it in the credits?

"Brian hurt one monkey, he's very sorry."

May 10, 2021

Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank?

Because they'll just wash up on shore later.

May 9, 2021

I can't see an end.

I have no control and I don't think there's an escape - I don't even have a home anymore.

Definitely time for a new keyboard!

May 8, 2021

I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging squirrels by height.

They didn't like my critter sizing!

May 7, 2021

What's it called when you kill chickpeas?

Hummuside!

May 6, 2021

What does a condiment wizard perform?

Saucery!

May 5, 2021

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I give her a shoulder to crayon!

May 4, 2021

My friend Tony said not to say his name backwards.

I said y not?

May 3, 2021

My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me.

I had some pretty big shoes to fill!

May 2, 2021

What does James Bond's doorbell sound like?

Dong, Ding Dong

May 1, 2021

What do you call a baby polar bear?

An ice cub!

April 30, 2021

I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.

She rang my room and said, "What the hell are you doing with your life?"

April 29, 2021

I stayed in a hotel last week where the towels were so thick ...

I could barely close my suitcase.

April 28, 2021

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it."

That way people think you are bilingual instead of an idiot!

April 27, 2021

What do you call a dead pine tree?

A nevergreen!

April 26, 2021

What do you call someone who draws funny pictures of automobiles?

A car-toonist!

April 25, 2021

Never have more children than you have car windows!

- Erma Bombeck

April 24, 2021

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!

- George Carlin

April 23, 2021

April 22, 2021

What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?

A URL-ologist!

April 21, 2021

What do you call two octopuses that look exactly the same?

Itenticle!

April 20, 2021

I have a chicken lawn ... it's impeckable!

April 19, 2021

Cinderella is proof a new pair of shoes can change your life!

April 18, 2021

I have no idea why the doctor told me to get in shape. Isn't round a shape?

April 17, 2021

What do you call an aardvark that is three feet long?

A yardvark!

April 16, 2021

What does a pirate say when he puts his peg leg in a freezer?

Shiver me timbers!

April 15, 2021

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

April 14, 2021

I watch so much Netflix that instead of suggesting more shows for me to watch, it started suggesting I go outside!

April 13, 2021

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish 'n Ships!

April 12, 2021

How do hypnotists get from one place to another?

By public trance-port!

April 11, 2021

When I'm sad, I sing. Then I realize my voice is worse than my problems!

April 10, 2021

Kid: Mom, can I have $20?

Mom: What do you think, I am made of money?

Kid: Isn't that what mom stands for?

April 9, 2021

Did you know Spiderman has a jacket made entirely of Mediterranean flat bread?

It's a Pita Parka!

April 8, 2021

What do you call a doctor who specializes in Adam's apples?

A guyneckologist!

April 7, 2021

I've trained my dog to fetch me a bottle of wine.

He's a Bordeaux Collie!

April 6, 2021

What did the tree say to the spring flowers?

It's a re-leaf to see you!

April 5, 2021

I threw a ball for my dog ... a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket!

April 4, 2021

Why do some dogs have trouble walking?

Arf-ritis.

April 3, 2021

"Why are you studying your Easter candy?"

"I'm trying to decide which came first - the chocolate chicken or the chocolate egg!"

April 2, 2021

You know you're getting old when you lean over to pick something up off the floor, and ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there!

April 1, 2021

Since the COVID outbreak, my 47 year-old son has been washing his hands religiously. In fact he said, "I've been washing my hands so much, I found the answers to an old eighth grade math quiz!"

March 31, 2021

March 30, 2021

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

"Supplies!"

March 29, 2021

Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory?

He kept throwing away the bent ones!

March 28, 2021

What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction!

March 27, 2021

What do you call a doll on fire?

A Barbie-Q!

March 26, 2021

How do you keep a bagel from getting away?

Put lox on it!

March 25, 2021

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"

March 24, 2021

My 5 yr. old: This potato salad makes me sad.

Me: Why?

Child: All these potatoes could have been fries!

March 23, 2021

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She told me newspapers are old school, that people use tablets now, and handed me her iPod. The fly didn't stand a chance.

March 22, 2021

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

March 21, 2021

Electricity is really just organized lightning!

- George Carlin

March 20, 2021

There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language. We call him the Village Idiom!"

March 19, 2021

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the post office? Are we supposed to write them? Why not put their pictures on postage stamps so the mail carriers can look for them while they deliver the mail?

March 18, 2021

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice when you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS"?

March 17, 2021

What did the leprechaun put in the vending machine?

A lepre-coin!

March 16, 2021

Me: What's the Wi-Fi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Ok, I'll have a Coke.

Bartender: Three dollars.

Me: There you go. So, what's the Wi-Fi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

March 15, 2021

How does a rancher keep track of his cattle?

With a cow-culator!

March 14, 2021

Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the Ark Hives!

March 13, 2021

What do you call a detective electrician?

Sherlock Ohms!

March 12, 2021

What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly?

Stationary!

March 11, 2021

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron ...

which is ironic!

March 10, 2021

I had the rudest, slowest, and nastiest cashier today ...

That's the last time I use the self checkout lane!

March 9, 2021

What type of sandals do frogs wear?

Open-toad!

March 8, 2021

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

March 7, 2021

When you choke a Smurf, what color do they turn?

March 6, 2021

When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?

March 5, 2021

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

March 4, 2021

Why do people say 'tuna fish'? They don't say 'beef mammal' or 'chicken bird' ...

March 3, 2021

Hired a handyman and gave him a list.

When I got home, only items #1, #3, and #5 were done.

Turns out, he only does odd jobs!

March 2, 2021

Teacher: What is a synonym?

Student: A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other!

March 1, 2021

Smoking will kill you ... bacon will kill you ... but smoking bacon will cure it!

Feb. 28, 2021

I read the mass chicken farms pump chickens full of antibiotics.

That would explain why chicken soup is so good when you are sick!

Feb. 27, 2021

I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year.

Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage!

Feb. 26, 2021

Two cats are sitting in front of a bird's cage and see a newly arrived green canary.

One says to the other, "It's really a strange color, maybe he's not ripe yet!"

Feb. 25, 2021

How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?

Don't go around brrfooted!

Feb. 24, 2021

What do you call a cat who gets her way no matter what?

Purrsuasive!

Feb. 23, 2021

I just found out why dogs drink out of the toilet.

My mother says it's because the water is a lot colder in there.

I'm like ... how does my mother know that?

Feb. 22, 2021

What market shouldn't you take your dog to?

The flea market!

Feb. 21, 2021

Fantastic new exercise to really help lose weight:

Turn your head to the left ... good!

Turn your head to the right ... very good!

Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food!

Feb. 20, 2021

What do you call a wolf who picks up litter after campers and is worried about pollution?

Aware wolf.

Feb. 19, 2021

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?

An abdominal snowman!

Feb. 18, 2021

Feb. 17, 2021

If the sun shines while it's snowing, what do you look for?

Snowbows!

Feb. 16, 2021

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii ... or just a-low-ha?

Feb. 15, 2021

It was a serious and solemn affair when the man who invented the Hokey Pokey died - until it was time to place him in the coffin.

They put his right foot in ...

It all went downhill from there.

Feb. 14, 2021

A patient sobs to his doctor, "I feel like a pair of curtains."

Doctor: "Well, pull yourself together man!"

Feb. 13, 2021

I threw a boomerang a few years ago.

I now live in constant fear!

Feb. 12, 2021

Is it possible to cross an eel and an eagle?

Absolutely not. That would be eeleagle!

Feb. 11, 2021

What do you call a factory that sells good products?

A satis-factory!

Feb. 10, 2021

A new hair salon opened across the street from an established hair salon. They put up a bold sign "We give $7 hair cuts!"

Not to be outdone, the established salon put up a sign, "We fix $7 hair cuts!"

Feb. 9, 2021

What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop you're sure you've been to before?

Deja brew!

Feb. 8, 2021

Why is grass so dangerous?

It's full of blades!

Feb. 7, 2021

It's not appropriate to make a dad joke if you're not a dad.

It's a faux pa.

Feb. 6, 2021

I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry ... he had selfie steam issues!

Feb. 5, 2021

You can train a cat to do anything the cat wants to do at the moment it wants to do it.

Feb. 4, 2021

What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop you're sure you've been to before?

Deja brew!

Feb. 3, 2021

What's the technical name for a pot of coffee at work?

Break fluid!

Feb. 2, 2021

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him!

Feb. 1. 2021

I gave up on my career as a plumber. It was too draining!

Jan. 31, 2021

Autocorrect makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

Jan. 30, 2021

What's a cat's favorite color?

Purr-ple!

Jan. 29, 2021

What kind of tree fits in your hand?

A palm tree!

Jan. 28, 2021

Jan. 27, 2021

A flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Jan. 26, 2021

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding, saying "Oooohhhh I love how smooth it is!"

Jan. 25, 2021

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed>

Jan. 24, 2021

"I found a wallet packed with money down by the church."

"Did you turn it in?"

"Not yet. I'm still trying to decide if it's a temptation from the devil or the answer to a prayer."

Jan. 23, 2021

Two pet owners get together for a public discussion on the internet. They call it their Pawed Cast!

Jan. 22, 2021

A hangover is the wrath of grapes!

Jan. 21, 2021

What sort of tv programming do ducks like?

Duckumentaries!

Jan. 20, 2021

He had a photographic memory that was never developed!

Jan. 19, 2021

250 lbs. here on earth is 94.5 lbs. on Mercury. 

I'm not fat, I'm just on the wrong planet!

Jan. 18, 2021

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, do they automatically lose because they can't find themaelves?

Jan. 17, 2021

Every time a bird poops on my car, I sit on my patio eating scrambled eggs to show them who's the boss!

Jan. 16, 2021

How many ears does Spock have?

Three: The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear!

Jan. 15, 2021

What happens when you talk to a cow?

It goes in one ear and out the udder!

Jan. 14, 2021

The urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is never more than a whim away!

Jan. 13, 2021

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite!

Jan. 12, 2021

My lips don't touch when I say the word 'touch', but my lips touch when I say 'separate'!

Jan. 11, 2021

Acupuncture is a jab well done!

Jan. 10, 2021

Why does a moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?

Because it's a little meteor!

Jan. 9, 2021

You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace!

Jan. 8, 2021

How is a baseball team similar to a pancake?

They both need a good batter!

Jan. 7, 2021

You know how you pull your smartphone out of your pocket to check the time?

We're really going back to the era of pocket watches!

Jan. 6, 2021

I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field."

She asked, "What does that have to do with anything?"

I said, "That means it's pasture bed time!"

Jan. 5, 2021

What do you call a snowman temper tantrum?

A meltdown!

Jan. 4, 2021

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Jan. 3, 2021

How do you scare a snowman?

Get a hair dryer!

Jan. 2, 2021

I used to be a fortune teller but I kept predicting snowstorms.

It turns out I wasn't using a crystal ball, it was a snowglobe!

Jan. 1, 2021

My friend, Joe, recently went on the Dolly Parton diet ...

it made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!

Dec. 31, 2020

What is a New Year's resolution?

Something that goes in one year and out the other!

Dec. 30, 2020

Where do snowmen keep their money?

In snow banks!

Dec. 29, 2020

"I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives."

- Billy Connolly

Dec. 28, 2020

What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?

Dec. 27, 2020

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Dec. 26, 2020

What did the gingerbread man get when he broke his leg?

A candy cane!

Dec. 25, 2020

Dec. 24, 2020

Why doesn't Santa let the elves work on his computer?

Because they delete all his Christmas cookies!

Dec, 23, 2020

What kind of photos do elves take?

Elfies!

Dec. 22, 2020

What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?

Rude-olph!

Dec. 21, 2020

Who is a Christmas! tree's favorite singer?

Spruce Springsteen

Dec. 20, 2020

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

A Holly Davidson!

Dec. 19, 2020

Who is Santa's favorite singer?

Elf-is Presley!

Dec. 18, 2020

What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?

A cookie sheet!

Dec. 17, 2020

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.

I came into my house, told my dog - we laughed a lot!

Dec. 16, 2020

What do elves learn in school?

The elfabet!

Dec. 15, 2020

Dec. 14, 2020

What do you call a detective electrician?

Sherlock Ohms!

Dec. 13, 2020

I wasn't going home to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So, I'm going home for the hollandaise!

Dec. 12, 2020

Teacher: Don, what is the chemical formula for water?

Don: H I J K L M N O

Teacher: What are you talking about?

Don: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

Dec. 11, 2020

What do lawn ornaments do over winter break?

Go gnome for the holidays!

Dec. 10, 2020

Just got back from a job interview where I was asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said I wasn't sure about that but I could do a wicked 'Bohemian Rhapsody'.

Dec. 9, 2020

I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love but I also have a cat to remind me I don't deserve it ... it's all about balance!

Dec. 8, 2020

Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store?

He was looking for the holiday spirit!

Dec. 7, 2020

Apple has introduced a new product for wives to help cope with spontaneous dad jokes throughout their day.

The iRoll.

Dec. 6, 2020

What do snowmen call their offspring?

Chill-dren!

Dec. 5, 2020

The cool part about naming your kid is you don't have to add six numbers to make sure the name is available.

- Bill Murray

Dec. 4, 2020

I gave my date a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet!

Dec. 3, 2020

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal ... Elon-gate would be really drawn out!

Dec. 2, 2020

My friend said "You have a BA, a Masters, and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot ..."

It was a third degree burn!

Dec. 1, 2020

What do you call a snowman temper tantrum?

A meltdown!

Nov. 30, 2020

How do mountains stay warm?

Snow caps!

Nov. 29, 2020

Nov. 28, 2020

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

Coincidence?

I think not!

Nov. 27, 2020

Why did grandma put wheels on her rocking chair?

She wanted to rock and roll!

Nov. 26, 2020

I'm giving up drinking until Christmas!

Sorry, bad punctuation ...

I'm giving up, drinking until Christmas!

Nov. 25, 2020

What do you call a handyman's skill set?

His repair-toire!

Nov. 24, 2020

What does NASA stand for?

Need Another Seven Astronauts!

Nov. 23, 2020

What do you call James Bond taking a bath?

Bubble 07.

Nov. 22, 2020

What do you call a calculator that works instantly?

A calcunow!

Nov. 21, 2020

Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?

You just have to listen varicosely!

Nov. 20, 2020

Definition of Perfectionist: Someone who wants to go from point A to point A+!

Nov. 19, 2020

What do you call malware on a Kindle?

A bookworm!

Nov. 18, 2020

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday.

So, the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were okay!

Nov. 17, 2020

What's it called when you kill chickpeas?

Hummuside!

Nov. 16, 2020

Real Life Airline Announcements:

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go zipping

through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Nov. 15, 2020

My friends and I exhumed a tibia.

It was quite the shin dig!

Nov. 14, 2020

I was so irritated with my neighbor today, he kept playing Lional Richie songs at full blast. Normally I wouldn't mind. But it was All Night Long!

Nov. 13, 2020

Why did Chewbacca crash the Millennium Falcon the first time he flew it?

It was a Wookie mistake!

Nov. 12, 2020

Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?

Gnomads!

Nov. 11, 2020

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor!

Nov. 10, 2020

I used to think the brain was the most important organ.

Then I thought, look what's telling me that!

Nov. 9, 2020

Nov. 8, 2020

I just got hit by a rented car.

It Hertz!

Nov. 7, 2020

I love being a maze designer. I get totally lost in my work!

Nov. 6, 2020

What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?

A barberque!

Nov. 5, 2020

I changed all my passwords to Kenny.

Now all I have are Kenny Loggins!

Nov. 4, 2020

Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.

He's my spirit guide!

Nov. 3, 2020

Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing today is Tuesday!

Nov. 2, 2020

My boss said, "I find it highly suspicious you are only sick on weekdays."

I said, "It must be my weekend immune system."

Nov. 1, 2020

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for his lousy summer!

Oct. 31, 2020

What do you call a chicken that haunts your house?

A poultrygeist!

Oct. 30, 2020

I know Albert Einstein was a genius ... but I think his brother, Frank, was a monster!

Oct. 29, 2020

What do you call two witches sharing an apartment?

Broommates!

Oct. 28, 2020

What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?

Bamboo!

Oct. 27, 2020

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?

All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts!

Oct. 26, 2020

What do you call a cold ghost?

Casp-burr!

Oct. 25, 2020

What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin!

Oct. 24, 2020

How do leaves get from place to place?

With autumn-mobiles!

Oct. 23, 2020

What do you call a ghost's true love?

His ghoul-friend!

Oct. 22, 2020

Adam's girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of his motorcycle. He just rode on. Ruthless.

Oct. 21, 2020

What is the cutest season?

Awwtumn!

Oct. 20, 2020

Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!

Oct. 19, 2020

If mud baths are so good for the skin, why are rhinos so wrinkly?

Oct. 18, 2020

That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent!"

Oct. 17, 2020

Why don't enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

Oct. 16, 2020

Quasimodo was the best detective in France.

He always had a hunch!

Oct. 15, 2020

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke!

Oct. 14, 2020

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date!

Oct. 13, 2020

Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.

Apparently he's been using performance enhancing rugs.

Oct. 12, 2020

Got tasered picking up my friend at the airport today.

Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout "Hi, Jack."

Oct. 11, 2020

Spider: Why are you terrified of me?

Me: Well, the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk!

Oct. 10, 2020

What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A blood orange!

Oct. 9, 2020

My life is like an internet browser, 17 tabs are open, 4 of them are frozen, and I don't know where the music is coming from!

Oct. 8, 2020

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who has been asked what's in their mouth!

Oct. 7, 2020

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not!

Oct. 6, 2020

If a word in the dictionary was misspelled, how would we know?

Oct. 5, 2020

When single women get to the age of 50, they tend to adopt lots of cats. 

This phenomenon is called many paws!

Oct. 4, 2020

Why did the taxi driver get fired for working so hard?

Passengers didn't like it when they went the extra mile!

Oct. 3, 2020

I hope when I inevitably choke on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that!

Oct. 2, 2020

The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

Oct. 1, 2020

Sometimes my internet is so slow it's faster to drive to the Google office and ask them stuff in person!

Sept. 30, 2020

 

Sept. 29, 2020

Where do horses go shopping?

Old-neighvy!

Sept. 28, 2020

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started!

Sept. 27, 2020

I sold my vacuum. All it was doing was collecting dust!

Sept. 26, 2020

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Sept. 25, 2020

6-year old Ned's mom was looking through an old family Bible when an oak leaf fell out.

Ned said "I guess that must be Adam's shorts."

Sept. 24, 2020

The young daughter of a tire salesman saw triplets for the first time.

Upon returning home she cried out, "Oh mother, guess what I saw today."

"I can't imagine, what?"

"A lady had twins, and a spare!"

Sept. 23, 2020

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening", then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Sept. 22, 2020

If Bill Gates had a penny for each time I had to reboot my computer ... oh wait, he does!

Sept. 21, 2020

If lawyers are disbarred and clegymen are defrocked ...

Doesn't it then follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Sept. 20, 2020

One way to find out if you're old is to fall in front of a group of people ...

If they laugh, you're young!

If they panic and start running toward you, you're old!

Sept. 19, 2020

What do you call the boss at Old McDonald's Farm?

The CIEIO!

Sept. 18, 2020

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed space!

Sept. 17, 2020

Don't let go of your dreams - hit snooze!

Sept. 16, 2020

What did Einstein eat as a baby?

Formula!

Sept. 15, 2020

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Sept. 14, 2020

Trail mix?? You mean M&M's with obstacles?

Sept. 13, 2020

I's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. 

The difference is staggering!

Sept. 12, 2020

What do cars do at the disco?

Brake dance!

Sept. 11, 2020

Once I debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth just to prove me wrong. He'll come around eventually!

Sept. 10, 2020

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?

Fill it with spring water!

Sept. 9, 2020

Instead of 'the John', I call my toilet 'the Jim'. That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning!

Sept. 8, 2020

What do you call having your grandmother on speed dial?

Instagram!

Sept. 7, 2020

Sept. 6, 2020

How come we never see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Sept. 5, 2020

What's it called when you borrow money to buy a bison?

A buffaloan!

Sept. 4, 2020

What does Jeff Bezos do before bed?

He puts his pajamazon!

Sept. 3, 2020

What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?

Laughing stock!

Sept. 2, 2020

What is the sole purpose of a middle name?

So a child can tell when they're really in trouble!

Sept. 1, 2020

I remember years ago when I wanted to be older. I was wrong.

Aug. 30, 2020

A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken looked at him and said ... "Don't do it pal ... you'll never hear the end of it!"

Aug. 29, 2020

Where do pirates like to eat?

Aaarby's!

Aug. 28, 2020

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion!

Aug. 27, 2020

Practice safe eating - always use condiments!

Aug. 26, 2020

Why is a computer so smart?

It listens to its motherboard!

Aug. 25, 2020

The other day I got carded at the liquor store. While I was taking out my ID, my old Blockbuster card fell out. Thd clerk shook his head, said "Never mind", and rang me up!

Aug. 24, 2020

Why did the kid cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!

Aug. 23, 2020

What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?

R2Detour

Aug. 22, 2020

How does a cucumber become a pickle?

It goes through a jarring experience!

Aug. 21, 2020

What do you call a pounding headache?

A temple tantrum!

Aug. 20, 2020

Go to the pet store, buy some birdseed then ask the clerk how long it will take for birds to grow!

Aug. 19, 2020

Good mothers let you lick the beaters.

Great mothers turn them off first!

Aug. 18, 2020

Who keeps the ocean clean?

The mermaid!

Aug. 17, 2020

I've started a business making boats in my attic ... Sails are going through the roof!

Aug. 16, 2020

What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?

A bagel.

Aug. 15, 2020

Aug. 14, 2020

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding!

Aug. 13, 2020

What do you call a pirate that skips class?

Captain Hooky!

Aug. 12, 2020

What did one tornado say to the other?

Let's twist again like we did last summer!

Aug. 11, 2020

Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she's doing!

Aug.10, 2020

I'm planning a clairvoyants meeting. I assume you know when, where, and what time!

Aug. 9, 2020

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics!

Aug. 8, 2020

What did the cannibal eat when he was late for dinner?

The cold shoulder!

Aug. 7, 2020

Parenthood is the scariest hood to go through!

Aug. 6, 2020

If you give an alligator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?

Aug. 5, 2020

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do!

Aug. 4, 2020

What ride do ghosts like best at a theme park?

The roller ghoster!

Aug. 3, 2020

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one, I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always

locking three!

- Elayne Boosler

Aug. 2, 2020

If we shouldn't eat at night, why do they put a light in the refrigerator?

Aug. 1, 2020

What kind of car does Yoda drive?

A Toyoda!

July 31, 2020

What sort of money do you need to start your own landscaping business?

A hedge fund!

July 30, 2020

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

July 29, 2020

I wish my life had background music so I could understand what the heck is going on!

July 28, 2020

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

July 27, 2020

You know you're a mom when you understand why Mama Bear's porridge was too cold.

July 26, 2020

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused."

Then, I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail!

July 25, 2020

I really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flies.

I just didn't realize it would Zoom!

July 24, 2020

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can't believe I lost the Rock's Paper Scissors!

July 23, 2020

Dogs have beloved masters. Cats have wait staff.

July 22, 2020

A banker fell overboard from a friend's boat. Not knowing if he could swim, he grabbed a life preserver, held it up and shouted "Can you float alone?"

"Obviously", the banker said, "But this is a heck of a time to talk business!"

July 21, 2020

July 20, 2020

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and there's a chance things could be really bad.

It'll be 5050!

July 19, 2020

Why do you put two cents in when it's only a penny for your thoughts?

July 18, 2020

How do you take a sick pig to the hospital?

A hambulance!

July 17, 2020

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread!

July 16, 2020

I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.

July 15, 2020

Last night I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach. At least that explains the footprints in the cat litter this morning.

July 14, 2020

What do you call someone who is really into stationary biking?

A cyclepath!

July 13, 2020

Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?

July 12, 2020

I put much more effort into naming my first WiFi than my first child!

July 11, 2020

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

It's called feefiphobia!

July 10, 2020

Respect your parents, they passed high school withut Google!

July 9, 2020

How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but you should have seen the bulb - it was THIS big!

July 8, 2020

What kind of car does a Viking drive?

A fjord!

July 7, 2020

You call them swear words, I call them sentence enhancers!

July 6, 2020

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint, lower my voice, and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

July 5, 2020

What kind of sandals do frogs wear?

Open-toad!

July 4, 2020

Isn't it funny the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom ...

until they are flashing behind your car!

July 3, 2020

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!

July 2, 2020

I'm aware the voices in my head aren't real.

But, their ideas are just awesome sometimes!

July 1, 2020

What kind of socks do you need to plant flowers?

Garden hose.

June 30, 2020

Wouldn't it be nice if the car navigation voice would get more and more excited as you get closer to your destination?

June 29, 2020

If you think you are too small to make a difference - try sleeping with a mosquito!

June 28, 2020

How does a dog stop a video?

It hits the paws button!

June 27. 2020

What do you get when you put a candle in a suit of armor?

A knight light!

June 26, 2020

Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?

The scientists were brainstorming!

June 25, 2020

What do you get when you cross a pig with a dinosaur?

Jurassic Pork!

June 24, 2020

"I wasn't THAT drunk last night."

"Oh man, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to quit crying."

June 23, 2020

Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?

He couldn't find the Droid he was looking for!

June 22, 2020

What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer day?

I'm bacon!

June 21, 2020

Why can't cats work on the computer?

They get too distracted chasing the mouse!

June 20, 2020

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

- George Carlin

June 19, 2020

Are people born with photographic memories or does it take time to develop?

June 18, 2020

What do you say when you are comforting a grammar teacher?

There, Their, They're.

June 17, 2020

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

- Steve Martin

June 16, 2020

I am borrowing from the future, to pay for the past, but I'm staying present in the process.

- Gregg Eisenberg, Letting Go Is All We Have To Hold Onto

June 15, 2020

What kind of horses go out after dark?

Nightmares.

June 14, 2020

When I'm bored, I text a random number saying "I hid the body, now what?"

June 13, 2020

A herd of cows were on a large hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew the smaller cows away. The rancher asked one of the bulls that was still standing "How come you bulls are still standing?"

The bull replies, "Cuz we bulls wobble but don't fall down."

June 12, 2020

What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?

Tennish.

June 11, 2020

Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 

"Is it common?" I asked. "It's not unusual." he replied.

June 10, 2020

Science Teacher: When is the boiling point reached?

Student: When my mom sees my report card!

June 9, 2020

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The retail store!

June 8, 2020

I hate when I'm waiting on mom to cook dinner, then remember I am the mom and have to cook dinner!

June 7, 2020

I had to give up being a taxi driver.

I didn't like people talking behind my back.

June 6, 2020

Just wait 2 years - it will be 2020 too.

June 5, 2020

Need cheering up? Start an argument with somebody when they have the hiccups!

June 4, 2020

June 3, 2020

I had a dog once. Named Minton. He kept eating all my shuttlecocks.

He was a bad Minton.

June 2, 2020

Research has shown laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog.

So, now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers!

June 1, 2020

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my Trail Mix.

May 31, 2020

Sometimes my wife laughs at how competitive I am.

But I just laugh back. More. And louder.

May 30, 2020

May 29, 2020

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?

"Curses! Foil again!"

May 28, 2020

If you can't find your dog, open the refrigerator door, he's standing right behind you!

May 27, 2020

I hope the children will never find out why I say "Oops ..." so often when I vacuum their rooms!

May 26, 2020

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory!

May 25, 2020

I met a taxidermist at a party and asked what he does for a living. He said, "Oh, you know ... stuff!"

May 24, 2020

Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

- Bill Murray

May 23, 2020

What did the 0 say to the 8?

"Nice belt."

May 22, 2020

A cop pulled me over and said "Papers", I said "Scissors, I win" and drove off!

May 21, 2020

When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?

May 20. 2020

Before I die, I'm going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.

That should make the cremation a little more interesting.

May 19, 2020

5 Funniest Things Said During A Colonoscopy:

1. 1. Find Amelia Earhart yet?
2. 2. Any sign of the trapped miners?
3. 3. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!
4. 4. Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity!
5. 5. Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there!

May 18, 2020

It sounds like thunder outside but the way 2020 is going it could be Godzilla!

May 17, 2020

I've started investing in stocks - beef, chicken, and vegetable.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire!

May 16, 2020

A man died after drinking varnish. It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.

May 15, 2020

May 14, 2020

Mother: "Are you talking back to me?"

Son: "Well yeah, that's kinda how communication works!"

May 13, 2020

Next time a stranger talks to me when I am alone, I will just look at him shocked and whisper quietly "You can see me?"

May 12, 2020

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

May 11, 2020

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

- George Carlin

May 10, 2020

The 1960's was an era of big thoughts. And yet, amazingly, each of these thoughts could fit on a t-shirt!

- P. J. O'Rourke

May 9, 2020

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear!

May 8, 2020

I believe if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade ... and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party!

- Ron White

May 7, 2020

May 6, 2020

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.

May 5, 2020

Did you know dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

May 4, 2020

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

May 3, 2020

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

  - George Carlin

May 2, 2020

Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed the opportunity to call them substitooths!

May 1, 2020

I had a hen who could count her own eggs.

She was a mathamachicken.

April 30, 2020

I quit my job at the helium gas factory.

I refused to be talked to in that tone of voice!

April 29, 2020

When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.

I almost died in Finding Nemo.

April 28, 2020

I don't have to ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts!

April 27, 2020

Stepped on the scale this morning and it said "Please use social distancing, one person at a time!"

April 26, 2020

Those most eager to be seen as well-adjusted can usually be counted on to do the most insane things!

- Gregg Eisenberg, Letting Go Is All We Have To Hold Onto

April 25, 2020

April 24, 2020

Wi-Fi went down during family dinner. One of the kids started talking and I didn't know who he was!

April 23, 2020

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

I think I've forgotten this before!

April 22, 2020

April 21, 2020

So, if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a Milk Dud or an Udder Failure?

April 20, 2020

What do you call if when two rock guitars accidentally crash into each other?

A Fender bender.

April 19, 2020

***BOOM***

Mom: What was that?

Me: My shirt fell.

Mom: It sounded a lot heavier than that!

Me: I was in it ...

April 18, 2020

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.

Then it becomes a soap opera!

April 17, 2020

Most common lies ever told:

"I didn't do it."

"I'm fine."

"I have read and agree to the Terms and Conditions."

April 16, 2020

What do you call it when someone steals your morning coffee?

A mugging.

April 15, 2020

April 14, 2020

Who is the smartest pig in the world?

Ein-swine

April 13, 2020

Where does the Terminator find toilet paper?

Aisle B ... back

April 12, 2020

Me: How's the diet going?

Friend: Not good. I had eggs for breakfast.

Me: Scrambled?

Friend: Cadbury's.

April 11, 2020

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There's no menu, you get what you deserve.

April 10, 2020

Questions For Today:

Can you cry under water?

If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why does a dog get mad when you blow in his face, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?

April 9, 2020

I do agree with Plato: To thine own self be true; but not necessarily about everything. And certainly not all at once.

- Gregg Eisenberg, Letting Go Is All We Have To Hold Onto

April 8, 2020

What did the judge say to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?

April 7, 2020

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

April 6, 2020

Just changed my Facebook name to "No one" so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say "No one likes this".

April 5, 2020

Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.

April 4, 2020

April 3, 2020

If you see an Apple store get robbed, does that make you an iWitness?

April 2, 2020

Day 19 of isolation and it's like Vegas in my house. We're losing money by the minute, cocktails are acceptable at any hour, and nobody knows what time it is!

April 1, 2020

What did the yogi say to his dog?

Nama, stay!

March 31, 2020

Why did the computer squeak? 

Someone stepped on its mouse!

March 30, 2020

Why did the yogi refuse anesthesia when having his wisdom tooth removed?

He wanted to transcend-dental-medication!

March 29, 2020

Why can't you trust trees?

Because they are shady!

March 28, 2020

What do you call birds that stick together?

Velcrows!

March 27, 2020

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

March 26, 2020

How do you manage a pumpkin addiction?

Get a pumpkin patch.

March 25, 2020

My boss asked me to make a presentation and said I should start it with a joke. So I put my paystub on the first slide.

March 24, 2020

So much for hoarding ...

March 23, 2020

"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu."

March 22, 2020

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles ..

For days he kept leaving little messages around the house!

March 21, 2020

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

March 20, 2020

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats

March 19, 2020

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line.

March 18, 2020