Joke Of The Day
Aug. 11, 2020
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she's doing!
Aug.10, 2020
I'm planning a clairvoyants meeting. I assume you know when, where, and what time!
Aug. 9, 2020
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics!
Aug. 8, 2020
What did the cannibal eat when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder!
Aug. 7, 2020
Parenthood is the scariest hood to go through!
Aug. 6, 2020
If you give an alligator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?
Aug. 5, 2020
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do!
Aug. 4, 2020
What ride do ghosts like best at a theme park?
The roller ghoster!
Aug. 3, 2020
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one, I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always
locking three!
- Elayne Boosler
Aug. 2, 2020
If we shouldn't eat at night, why do they put a light in the refrigerator?
Aug. 1, 2020
What kind of car does Yoda drive?
A Toyoda!
July 31, 2020
What sort of money do you need to start your own landscaping business?
A hedge fund!
July 30, 2020
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
July 29, 2020
I wish my life had background music so I could understand what the heck is going on!
July 28, 2020
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
July 27, 2020
You know you're a mom when you understand why Mama Bear's porridge was too cold.
July 26, 2020
As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought "Dogs are easily amused."
Then, I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail!
July 25, 2020
I really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flies.
I just didn't realize it would Zoom!
July 24, 2020
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson's cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can't believe I lost the Rock's Paper Scissors!
July 23, 2020
Dogs have beloved masters. Cats have wait staff.
July 22, 2020
A banker fell overboard from a friend's boat. Not knowing if he could swim, he grabbed a life preserver, held it up and shouted "Can you float alone?"
"Obviously", the banker said, "But this is a heck of a time to talk business!"
July 21, 2020
July 20, 2020
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and there's a chance things could be really bad.
It'll be 5050!
July 19, 2020
Why do you put two cents in when it's only a penny for your thoughts?
July 18, 2020
How do you take a sick pig to the hospital?
A hambulance!
July 17, 2020
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread!
July 16, 2020
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.
July 15, 2020
Last night I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach. At least that explains the footprints in the cat litter this morning.
July 14, 2020
What do you call someone who is really into stationary biking?
A cyclepath!
July 13, 2020
Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?
July 12, 2020
I put much more effort into naming my first WiFi than my first child!
July 11, 2020
I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
It's called feefiphobia!
July 10, 2020
Respect your parents, they passed high school withut Google!
July 9, 2020
How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but you should have seen the bulb - it was THIS big!
July 8, 2020
What kind of car does a Viking drive?
A fjord!
July 7, 2020
You call them swear words, I call them sentence enhancers!
July 6, 2020
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint, lower my voice, and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
July 5, 2020
What kind of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
July 4, 2020
Isn't it funny the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom ...
until they are flashing behind your car!
July 3, 2020
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!
July 2, 2020
I'm aware the voices in my head aren't real.
But, their ideas are just awesome sometimes!
July 1, 2020
What kind of socks do you need to plant flowers?
Garden hose.
June 30, 2020
Wouldn't it be nice if the car navigation voice would get more and more excited as you get closer to your destination?
June 29, 2020
If you think you are too small to make a difference - try sleeping with a mosquito!
June 28, 2020
How does a dog stop a video?
It hits the paws button!
June 27. 2020
What do you get when you put a candle in a suit of armor?
A knight light!
June 26, 2020
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming!
June 25, 2020
What do you get when you cross a pig with a dinosaur?
Jurassic Pork!
June 24, 2020
"I wasn't THAT drunk last night."
"Oh man, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to quit crying."
June 23, 2020
Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?
He couldn't find the Droid he was looking for!
June 22, 2020
What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer day?
I'm bacon!
June 21, 2020
Why can't cats work on the computer?
They get too distracted chasing the mouse!
June 20, 2020
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- George Carlin
June 19, 2020
Are people born with photographic memories or does it take time to develop?
June 18, 2020
What do you say when you are comforting a grammar teacher?
There, Their, They're.
June 17, 2020
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
- Steve Martin
June 16, 2020
I am borrowing from the future, to pay for the past, but I'm staying present in the process.
- Gregg Eisenberg, Letting Go Is All We Have To Hold Onto
June 15, 2020
What kind of horses go out after dark?
Nightmares.
June 14, 2020
When I'm bored, I text a random number saying "I hid the body, now what?"
June 13, 2020
A herd of cows were on a large hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew the smaller cows away. The rancher asked one of the bulls that was still standing "How come you bulls are still standing?"
The bull replies, "Cuz we bulls wobble but don't fall down."
June 12, 2020
What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?
Tennish.
June 11, 2020
Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?" I asked. "It's not unusual." he replied.
June 10, 2020
Science Teacher: When is the boiling point reached?
Student: When my mom sees my report card!
June 9, 2020
Where do animals go when their tails fall off?
The retail store!
June 8, 2020
I hate when I'm waiting on mom to cook dinner, then remember I am the mom and have to cook dinner!
June 7, 2020
I had to give up being a taxi driver.
I didn't like people talking behind my back.
June 6, 2020
Just wait 2 years - it will be 2020 too.
June 5, 2020
Need cheering up? Start an argument with somebody when they have the hiccups!
June 4, 2020
June 3, 2020
I had a dog once. Named Minton. He kept eating all my shuttlecocks.
He was a bad Minton.
June 2, 2020
Research has shown laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog.
So, now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers!
June 1, 2020
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
May 31, 2020
Sometimes my wife laughs at how competitive I am.
But I just laugh back. More. And louder.
May 30, 2020
May 29, 2020
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
"Curses! Foil again!"
May 28, 2020
If you can't find your dog, open the refrigerator door, he's standing right behind you!
May 27, 2020
I hope the children will never find out why I say "Oops ..." so often when I vacuum their rooms!
May 26, 2020
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory!
May 25, 2020
I met a taxidermist at a party and asked what he does for a living. He said, "Oh, you know ... stuff!"
May 24, 2020
Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
- Bill Murray
May 23, 2020
What did the 0 say to the 8?
"Nice belt."
May 22, 2020
A cop pulled me over and said "Papers", I said "Scissors, I win" and drove off!
May 21, 2020
When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
May 20. 2020
Before I die, I'm going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
May 19, 2020
5 Funniest Things Said During A Colonoscopy:
- 1. Find Amelia Earhart yet?
- 2. Any sign of the trapped miners?
- 3. Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!
- 4. Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity!
- 5. Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there!
May 18, 2020
It sounds like thunder outside but the way 2020 is going it could be Godzilla!
May 17, 2020
I've started investing in stocks - beef, chicken, and vegetable.
One day I hope to be a bouillonaire!
May 16, 2020
A man died after drinking varnish. It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.
May 15, 2020
May 14, 2020
Mother: "Are you talking back to me?"
Son: "Well yeah, that's kinda how communication works!"
May 13, 2020
Next time a stranger talks to me when I am alone, I will just look at him shocked and whisper quietly "You can see me?"
May 12, 2020
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
May 11, 2020
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- George Carlin
May 10, 2020
The 1960's was an era of big thoughts. And yet, amazingly, each of these thoughts could fit on a t-shirt!
- P. J. O'Rourke
May 9, 2020
What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderwear!
May 8, 2020
I believe if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade ... and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party!
- Ron White
May 7, 2020
May 6, 2020
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
May 5, 2020
Did you know dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
May 4, 2020
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
May 3, 2020
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- George Carlin
May 2, 2020
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed the opportunity to call them substitooths!
May 1, 2020
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathamachicken.
April 30, 2020
I quit my job at the helium gas factory.
I refused to be talked to in that tone of voice!
April 29, 2020
When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.
I almost died in Finding Nemo.
April 28, 2020
I don't have to ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts!
April 27, 2020
Stepped on the scale this morning and it said "Please use social distancing, one person at a time!"
April 26, 2020
Those most eager to be seen as well-adjusted can usually be counted on to do the most insane things!
- Gregg Eisenberg, Letting Go Is All We Have To Hold Onto
April 25, 2020
April 24, 2020
Wi-Fi went down during family dinner. One of the kids started talking and I didn't know who he was!
April 23, 2020
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before!
April 22, 2020
April 21, 2020
So, if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a Milk Dud or an Udder Failure?
April 20, 2020
What do you call if when two rock guitars accidentally crash into each other?
A Fender bender.
April 19, 2020
***BOOM***
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell.
Mom: It sounded a lot heavier than that!
Me: I was in it ...
April 18, 2020
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera!
April 17, 2020
Most common lies ever told:
"I didn't do it."
"I'm fine."
"I have read and agree to the Terms and Conditions."
April 16, 2020
What do you call it when someone steals your morning coffee?
A mugging.
April 15, 2020
April 14, 2020
Who is the smartest pig in the world?
Ein-swine
April 13, 2020
Where does the Terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B ... back
April 12, 2020
Me: How's the diet going?
Friend: Not good. I had eggs for breakfast.
Me: Scrambled?
Friend: Cadbury's.
April 11, 2020
Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There's no menu, you get what you deserve.
April 10, 2020
Questions For Today:
Can you cry under water?
If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why does a dog get mad when you blow in his face, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?
April 9, 2020
I do agree with Plato: To thine own self be true; but not necessarily about everything. And certainly not all at once.
- Gregg Eisenberg, Letting Go Is All We Have To Hold Onto
April 8, 2020
What did the judge say to the dentist?
Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?
April 7, 2020
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.
April 6, 2020
Just changed my Facebook name to "No one" so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say "No one likes this".
April 5, 2020
Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough.
April 4, 2020
April 3, 2020
If you see an Apple store get robbed, does that make you an iWitness?
April 2, 2020
Day 19 of isolation and it's like Vegas in my house. We're losing money by the minute, cocktails are acceptable at any hour, and nobody knows what time it is!
April 1, 2020
What did the yogi say to his dog?
Nama, stay!
March 31, 2020
Why did the computer squeak?
Someone stepped on its mouse!
March 30, 2020
Why did the yogi refuse anesthesia when having his wisdom tooth removed?
He wanted to transcend-dental-medication!
March 29, 2020
Why can't you trust trees?
Because they are shady!
March 28, 2020
What do you call birds that stick together?
Velcrows!
March 27, 2020
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
March 26, 2020
How do you manage a pumpkin addiction?
Get a pumpkin patch,
March 25, 2020
My boss asked me to make a presentation and said I should start it with a joke. So I put my paystub on the first slide.
March 24, 2020
So much for hoarding ...
March 23, 2020
"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu."
March 22, 2020
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles ..
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house!
March 21, 2020
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
March 20, 2020
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats
March 19, 2020
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.
March 18, 2020
